I don't know what to do with my life. I know a lot people feel this way, especially at my age. I'm 19 years old, at university and I am used to not knowing what to do with my life, but lately things have felt different.
I'm missing something. Something in my thought process of working things out. Do you ever have the feeling that you know something, and its just out of reach, but you know its there? That's what I feel like.
I've had a lot changes lately. I moved country, from Australia to New Zealand, not that far but its still far in a way. If you can't go somewhere it doesn't matter how far your are. Distance is really just a concept and only takes form when converted into something more graspable, like time or money. You know, "it will take 2 hours to drive there" or "it costs $85 for an air ticket". Sorry if I am not really making sense.
So I'm here in NZ, and I have only been her a couple of months. I don't really know anyone, like I have met people, but I don't really know anyone. Its been an interesting experience but i'm going back in December. My mum moved before I left, but I didn't leave because of it, I was bound to go anyway. She moved to this town called Tennant Creek which is literally thousands of kms away from anywhere i'll ever really be. It feels a long way away. So I have to transfer universities, but the more time spend here, on my own, I realise how little meaning and enjoyment my life has.
I've thought about every location, and every factor. Quality of education, rent, work if possible, distance to family, weather, climate, environment, "feel of the town", transport, people, option to have a horse later on. Even though I narrow it down to a few good places, i'm missing something. I'm trying to plan some form of a future where I don't even want to really do what I am doing. I don't want to get up every morning and go to uni and do subjects I like but don't enjoy. I like what I am doing at university, its interesting but i'm missing something. Overall, somethings missing.
The only things I ever really enjoyed were horse riding, and guess those few weeks you think you fall in love, but I don't know what I want. Sometimes I think I would love a horse again, but I didn't like having my last horse, it was unbroken and bitch, and she just didn't like me. I shouldn't bought her, I should have bought something nice that I could ride, especially after my previous experiences that made me almost scared of all horses.
So I'm left with no real home in the world, everything has moved. No idea where I am going live next year, or where I am going to go. And I have no idea what I want, just that I want more.
I'm a big believer in fate, I don't know why, I don't think everything is predetermined, but I believe things happen and will work out and are meant to work out sometimes. So I have been really pushing this university thing, you know, sending letters and waiting for letters, but it seems like its being blocked. Things not arriving, questions not being answered. Its just like there is something else that I have to do or know or realise and nothing can happen till then.
I know that wherever I go I have to wake up to myself, but I still want to run somewhere else always. I don't know why. I have nothing in my past, nothing real to escape.
I'm probably depressed but I don't feel sad. That makes no sense. Sorry.