Where has all the support gone?
 
 

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Where has all the support gone?

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  • mental illness: horse forum

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    07-29-2012, 03:36 AM
  #1
Started
Where has all the support gone?

Well, I probably shouldn't be posting this to the internet while I'm so "low", but I'm pretty desperate for some semblance of support atm; even if it's a virtual hug.

Lately I've been having a lot of issues with my mental health. I've been trying to sort myself out for some time, going to the doctor, and then a psychiatrist, and I'm getting recommended to a therapist as well. The consensus seems to be that I am manic depressive, which I have known for some time. It feels like an illness in the core of my body that I cannot escape. Monday I'm starting Zoloft and hopefully get to meet my new therapist soon.

That being said, I'm going to my first SCA (sexual compulsives anonymous) meeting tomorrow. And I am completely terrified. I really wanted someone to come with me so I wouldn't have to be alone, but all of my "friends" seem to have vanished. I just wanted to talk to someone tonight since I was feeling low and scared, and absolutely no one has answered my texts or calls. In fact, nobody has even tried to contact me for the past several days except for my parents.

A lot of my friends know about my illness, and several have seen me at my lowest. I really, really try my hardest to disguise how I feel and to pretend like nothings wrong so I don't bother them. But every time I try to bottle things up, I end up acting out in a compulsive way. I feel like my friends were interested in helping me when I first confided in them, but now that I really need them they are nowhere to be found. People I thought who cared about me suddenly now have more important things to do.

Even one time, I was getting a ride home from one of my friends and really took a chance to open up to him. I talked about how ****ed up I was, and how scared I was. He got really quiet. I encouraged him to speak by asking him what his thoughts were, when he replied some bull**** about how he was thinking about the historic architecture on the streets outside the car. I could not believe it; as if everything I said fell on deaf ears. The architecture got more notice than how I was feeling.

I feel like people don't really realize how dangerous mental illness is sometimes. There has been a recent time where I was quite suicidal and made over 15 calls to people who didn't pick up. I never felt so empty in my life. Even now I feel so worthless, like my problems aren't even worth 5 minutes of someone's time; people I thought who loved me and cared about me. I have always been told I need to learn how to "reach out", but how do you reach out when nobody wants to listen?
     
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    07-29-2012, 03:46 AM
  #2
Yearling
Oh Hun! That must be horrible. I know that some of the best friendships I've had were with people I rarely If ever saw face to face.

Sometimes people find it hard copig with another persons struggles and I surely think that was the case with the guy talking about architecture, he didn't know what to say, sometimes even just expressing sympathy can sound wrong.

Perhaps you need to take this as a sign that it's time to look for a new friend. I don't know where, that's the partim not good at.

It sounds like your on te way to learning how to improve life for yourself and that take guts so KUDOS
oh vair oh likes this.
     
    07-29-2012, 03:50 AM
  #3
Started
Thanks :) I've always been no-nonsense about getting myself help. I think it's really important that when things go wrong, you need to get back on the road before you hit a phone pole, lol.

I know my friends mean well, even if they might not understand. Who really knows how to deal with these problems anyway? I've been kicked around a lot of therapists, so I have a safe time and place to vent, but it's the nights that are the worst sometimes.

I really just want to get a pet, but I'm not in a position to yet. ):
Skyseternalangel likes this.
     
    07-29-2012, 03:50 AM
  #4
Showing
I'm sure he was listening, he just didn't want to say the wrong thing. Or maybe those buildings really entranced him.

Did you just begin talking or did you tell him that you needed to talk? There is a difference. It's easy for people to tune out and get lost in their OWN thoughts.

But if you tell them that you need to talk, then they usually really pay attention to what you're saying.

But regardless, you have support but sometimes it's not the way you want it to be. It's up to you to make the changes, and that support system is there to encourage you or be a shoulder to cry on but you can't always rely on them. Sometimes support only goes so far. But you definitely got lots on here!

If you ever need some help, don't be afraid to ask :)

Lots of hugs <3
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    07-29-2012, 04:22 AM
  #5
Trained
I know the feeling...It's hard to tell these days who is REALLY your friend. That's why we have horses I guess. I can definitely relate to the mental illness thing...chin up...You've got friends here, at least.
     
    07-29-2012, 04:29 AM
  #6
Trained
If you don't know what it is you need - why would a random non-professional know? If you can't formulate what you need, how would they even know what you are asking for? If you just want to know someone cares...there is faith. Which is a safe and strong bet.
I use to think about Princess Diana a lot. I mean, what was her problem? She couldn't be thankful for what she had? She could have had her pick of horses, the very best of instruction, tack, perfectly groomed riding paths, etc.,. Yet, she couldn't deal w her situation? Okey-dokey....I didn't have to walk a mile in her shoes...but I know if I had of, I would have made better use of it! :)
Itemize what you have to be thankful for, and be thankful.
I don't mean this in a unkind way, btw....I just mean you have to take responsibility for your own happiness.
     
    07-29-2012, 05:09 AM
  #7
Started
Quote:
Originally Posted by Missy May    
If you don't know what it is you need - why would a random non-professional know? If you can't formulate what you need, how would they even know what you are asking for? If you just want to know someone cares...there is faith. Which is a safe and strong bet.
I use to think about Princess Diana a lot. I mean, what was her problem? She couldn't be thankful for what she had? She could have had her pick of horses, the very best of instruction, tack, perfectly groomed riding paths, etc.,. Yet, she couldn't deal w her situation? Okey-dokey....I didn't have to walk a mile in her shoes...but I know if I had of, I would have made better use of it! :)
Itemize what you have to be thankful for, and be thankful.
I don't mean this in a unkind way, btw....I just mean you have to take responsibility for your own happiness.
Sometimes it's just that kind of thinking that annoys me the most, not to be unkind.

I can formulate what I need. I'm not asking for a diagnosis from my friends, or advice from them, but all I am looking for is for someone to let me chat about my day with and offer some kind of love and support. When you feel this insignificant, it helps so much when someone can say to you, "you'll be alright, I'm there for you". It doesn't have to be much more than that, then we can go on talking about shoes or whatever.

You have no idea what "making better use" of it means. The most insulting thing anyone can say to me is "you are a beautiful, intelligent, talented girl who has everything, so you have no reason to be unhappy". That is incredibly dismissive of what I am going through. Depression is an illness, but not something you can magically take a pill and get rid of, or wait 2 weeks like the flu.

Try to walk a mile in the shoes of a person whose chest feels like you're being ripped inside out every night. When all you want to do is feel normal, and desperately try anything to cheer yourself up. When all you crave is the sound of another person's voice just so you don't feel like you're alone in the universe. I am thankful for so many things in my life, things I don't even deserve. But I would give anything, do anything, just to be able to enjoy them and be happy. Instead I have so much guilt because I cannot magically make myself better. Because I can't be the perfect person everyone sees in me. And every day I put a smile on my face because I cannot bear to burden people with what I am going through. And every day I fight. I go get help. I recognize my own problems. Can you even fathom how humiliating I feel going to an anon group? Even though I know I'm going to get help, the fact that I have to admit to myself that I am an addict is one of the most difficult things I have ever done in my life.

And all I ask is for someone to at least respond to a friendly hello from me. Sometimes I get so sick of being strong and being told "get used to being alone" I wanna just throw up.
texasgal, SorrelHorse and HagonNag like this.
     
    07-29-2012, 05:40 AM
  #8
Started
That's awful, hun. I was really lucky to have a few good friends support me when I was diagnosed even if my family dismissed it and were utterly useless.

I had no success with medication but (and your psych will tell you this too) a mood and wellness diary is a really handy thing to keep as it helps identify patterns and triggers. I have found my own way of recognising an 'episode' early and doing a routine that will get me through it.

It's at times like these your true friends will shine through. Give them a chance and make sure you don't shut yourself away from the world. You may find your social connections fewer but the ones that survive will be the real ones and the others not worth the time. Just explain what the disorder does to you, how it affects your behaviour and what you're doing to try and help improve things. Then, when you're not yourself they'll understand and forgive you if they're any friend at all.
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    07-29-2012, 06:40 AM
  #9
Trained
1000% Agreed on the depression thing Oh vair oh....I have the same issue. It doesn't just go away. It's always there. Sure it might get better, but it never goes away. Missy May...I don't think you really understand. I totally mean no offense by that comment, but she's right in that last post...
oh vair oh likes this.
     
    07-29-2012, 06:47 AM
  #10
Showing
I just want to point out it's very easy to let life get you down.. and once you're there it's VERY HARD to get out of there. I had a mini relapse on Friday. I had no emotions; dead to the world.. just putting a fake smile on so I seemed normal but man.. dark dark dark.

We've gotta be able to support each other when we get down. Sometimes it's just a case of someone saying something that inspires you, or invokes an emotion which we need to get the engine going. At least that's what works for me. Anger is better than numbness :/

Being strong is fine, but it's not fair to always be so stoic and expect to plow on through. Sometimes you need to let those walls come crumbling down as long as a good friend is there to help you up off your feet :)
     

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