Lately I've been having a lot of issues with my mental health. I've been trying to sort myself out for some time, going to the doctor, and then a psychiatrist, and I'm getting recommended to a therapist as well. The consensus seems to be that I am manic depressive, which I have known for some time. It feels like an illness in the core of my body that I cannot escape. Monday I'm starting Zoloft and hopefully get to meet my new therapist soon.
That being said, I'm going to my first SCA (sexual compulsives anonymous) meeting tomorrow. And I am completely terrified. I really wanted someone to come with me so I wouldn't have to be alone, but all of my "friends" seem to have vanished. I just wanted to talk to someone tonight since I was feeling low and scared, and absolutely no one has answered my texts or calls. In fact, nobody has even tried to contact me for the past several days except for my parents.
A lot of my friends know about my illness, and several have seen me at my lowest. I really, really try my hardest to disguise how I feel and to pretend like nothings wrong so I don't bother them. But every time I try to bottle things up, I end up acting out in a compulsive way. I feel like my friends were interested in helping me when I first confided in them, but now that I really need them they are nowhere to be found. People I thought who cared about me suddenly now have more important things to do.
Even one time, I was getting a ride home from one of my friends and really took a chance to open up to him. I talked about how ****ed up I was, and how scared I was. He got really quiet. I encouraged him to speak by asking him what his thoughts were, when he replied some bull**** about how he was thinking about the historic architecture on the streets outside the car. I could not believe it; as if everything I said fell on deaf ears. The architecture got more notice than how I was feeling.
I feel like people don't really realize how dangerous mental illness is sometimes. There has been a recent time where I was quite suicidal and made over 15 calls to people who didn't pick up. I never felt so empty in my life. Even now I feel so worthless, like my problems aren't even worth 5 minutes of someone's time; people I thought who loved me and cared about me. I have always been told I need to learn how to "reach out", but how do you reach out when nobody wants to listen?