Why do nice girls seem to finish last? - The Horse Forum
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post #1 of 31 Old 09-12-2012, 03:46 AM Thread Starter
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Why do nice girls seem to finish last?

You know the saying "nice guys finish last" well, it seems like nice girls tend to finish last too.

Ive been single for 2 years. The first year, my ex-fiance continued to use me and make a fool of me. I finally stood up for myself and he disappeared. I did everything i could to make him happy, it was never enough. Last night i was informed he got married. Ok. Hes been in Florida for maybe 9 months now. He was in Michigan the first year, then in Texas for a few months, then transferred to Florida.

But anyways, i dont really care. I dont have feelings for him anymore. After 5 years of being screwed over by him, its actually a blessing im not with him.

It just seems these days, the only way to snag a guy is to get pregnant. Which is so wrong. (And id never do)

Its depressing due to the fact that i am a really nice person and i always get screwed over. Im just frustrated that he gets to have everything we had talked about after all the crap he did to me. Lying, cheating, sneaking around, ruining friendships... if anyone deserves to be happy with someone, its me, not him.

I cant help but feel theres something wrong with me. Especially due to the fact that i have no desire to put myself in that type of situation again. What person prefers to be single but deep down wants the whole marriage, love and kids thing.

Sorry if this jumps around. I have a headache and its about 4am.

*rant over*
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post #2 of 31 Old 09-12-2012, 04:22 AM
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Marriage does not equal happiness. Even if someone is married, they could be the most unhappy person on the planet.

It's the people IN the marriage, that make it work. Don't compare yourself to him. Maybe you are attracted to the jerks, it's been known to happen. Being nice and being considerate are two different things.

Nice to me can mean too sweet, no backbone, doesn't stand up for themselves. They're just... kind regardless which is lovely but people take advantage of that!

The number one person you need to support is yourself. If someone is treating you badly, don't try and please them. They need to make that change; don't be so quick to blame yourself.

Also single doesn't mean a negative thing. Some people stay single forever, and they're some of the most independent fiery people that I know. Heck I LOVE being single! No one to please but myself, I can figure out my own path in life, no need to be dragged around on someone else's agenda.

I think you should stay single for awhile. Embrace it, empower yourself, and then the guy that will compliment that fire and confidence deep inside YOU.. will come.

It's not about marriage. The end goal is happiness on all levels, not a ring on your finger or vows in holy name.

Try a different perspective, OP.

"Strength is the ability to use a muscle without tension"
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post #3 of 31 Old 09-12-2012, 04:53 AM
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Every marriage is unique, but after many decades of living-I really feel few are very happy. But, being alone is tough, too. There are no easy choices.
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post #4 of 31 Old 09-12-2012, 05:07 AM
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OK, CLaPorte - I totally get where you're coming from, you're where I was not too long ago. I did a heap of research and experimentation and discovered the trick is to be assertive, to not try and please people all the time. This doesn't mean you shouldn't be kind or generous, it just means that you should demand (and command) respect.

If you always took a step back from a horse, gave it treats, let it rub its head against you etc, it wouldn't respect you and would pretty soon be a total jerk toward you. Same with people. Clearly define your boundaries, stand your ground, give but also accept (and if the other party doesn't give, move on). Obviously, in a relationship between people you're more aiming toward equality rather than being the lead mare, but the way to get there is the same.

Respect yourself, don't let people walk over you and you will be a lot happier (money back guarantee - but as you didn't pay me...oops ). Becoming assertive in relationships fixed my love life. I'm still working on being assertive in the workplace, but I'm getting there.

Good luck!

ETA: Oh yeah, and if he gets pushy at dinner time, just grab a stick and smack him with it

Also, make your needs known. If you don't articulate what you need and want from a relationship, even the nice people won't be able to provide it. Then you'll get frustrated because you didn't get what you needed. Communication is essential.
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Last edited by EvilHorseOfDoom; 09-12-2012 at 05:10 AM.
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post #5 of 31 Old 09-12-2012, 05:14 AM
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I agree fully with Sky.

Personally I never wanted a marriage or children, so I have always been independent - I like being on my own, sure, I enjoy company but like to be able to shut my door and have just me!
However, I am a watcher and have seen many relationships blossom and others fail for a variety of reasons so learned a lot!

You also learned a lot from your last relationship, you learned to stand up for yourself. You took the stance that you didn't need him to be complete and came to the decision that you were better without him.

In a relationship you do not need to please the partner all the time. A woman generally yields the most, does the most and accepts change a partnership brings, better than the males.

If you look at any herd or pack then it is the female that really makes the decisions but they do it subtly. They lead the way to new grazing, when to go for water, when to go make a kill. It is the same with a good relationship. Major decisions should be mad together.

As for infidelity - first time and your out. A person who is untrusting of your friends is going to be both jealous and possessive - not good.

Be you, like you, please your partner without changing and do not expect them to change either. Adapting is the word, accept faults and speak about them. You want to please which is fine but do not become a doormat You have learned how not to be so stick with it.

Go out, mix with a lot of people, date some have fun and stop worrying about 'finding the one' let him find you!

Be happy with yourself and the world is your oyster.
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post #6 of 31 Old 09-12-2012, 05:16 AM
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I found this particularly useful myself:

Be More Assertive - How To

And in a relationship where the other half isn't a jerk, but is confused by what you want because you're afraid to articulate it (whatever it is, doesn't need to be bedroom-related) it's amazing how you start to discover how many preferences you have in common when you start communicating effectively. And they also get an idea of what you don't like, rather than them doing something and then you stewing over it and resenting them.

Also remember: they're human, never put them up on a pedestal, never assume they're not riddled with faults (we all are), always isolate a behaviour and try and understand (through communication) what their underlying thought process was. And look at yourself and try and understand what you may do that they may view similarly.

Hope this all helped. Good luck, enjoy being single, keep your options open and HAVE FUN!
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post #7 of 31 Old 09-12-2012, 07:02 AM
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I was in a similar situation as you some 30+ years ago.

I prayed every day for god to send me someone.

He did.

Keep the faith, ask and you shall receive. Until then try and enjoy the good things you already have.

For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.
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post #8 of 31 Old 09-12-2012, 07:22 AM Thread Starter
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Oh believe me, i finally stood up for myself and called it quits to his games. Never again will i let someone do that to me. I just feel like im the girl that everyone makes their mistakes with, and ends up getting hurt.

The thing that pisses me off is that he ALWAYS got what he wanted. Everything always fell into place for him. One girl didnt work, there was one on backup. This job didnt work, oh heres another one. Its like seriously, hit rock bottom for once! Of all the people that deserved it, it certainly was him.

After me, he broke up a marriage. Led that girl on, who by the way had 2 little girls, and played the "daddy" for about a month, and then left to Texas. What type of person behaves that sort of way?

Anyways, i count my blessings that i didnt end up with him. I am happier alone. I just would have loved to have found someone for me, before he found another one for him. And married? Jeeze.

I want the closeness and relationship with someone, but i dont. Burnt too many times and im not sure if there is anyone out there worth the risk anymore.

Which leads to an unhealthy, obsessive relationship with my dog. LMAO!
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post #9 of 31 Old 09-12-2012, 08:34 AM
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i was having similiar thoughts the other day claporte432.

seems nice people always finish last atleast in my book its always happened that way :(

oh well live and enjoy :)
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post #10 of 31 Old 09-12-2012, 08:34 AM
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Oh girl, 10 years ago I was in the same situation as you.
My ex DID get someone pregnant while we were together, had been for 6 years. He's still with her and miserable and just the same wandering, mans man, Ill do what I want, see you and the kids later kinda guy. He creeps me out now!

My Papa used to tell me "the only man worth having is the one who beats down your door.". And he was right! My DH wouldn't leave me alone even though I didn't want anything to do with him! Even stood him up three times before we finally hung out!

Hang in there and ENJOY your freedom! As soon as you start to enjoy being young and single, some guy is going to show up and "ruin" everything! LOL!
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