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post #1 of 11 Old 02-03-2012, 05:06 PM Thread Starter
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Words.

Just something I wrote. Any thoughts?


The hills were bathed in moonlight, the shadows not so stark;
Silver light reflected off his brown hide as he held me in the dark
– I love you, Mudpie!
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post #2 of 11 Old 02-07-2012, 04:52 PM Thread Starter
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I revised it and I think it sounds better now... What do you think?


The hills were bathed in moonlight, the shadows not so stark;
Silver light reflected off his brown hide as he held me in the dark
– I love you, Mudpie!
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post #3 of 11 Old 02-07-2012, 05:36 PM
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I'm not sure what you are asking for. There is an "n" missing in impending in the first sentence, and the second sentence in the second paragraph makes no sense (in either version) and is very awkward as written. There are other issues too - keep chugging away...
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post #4 of 11 Old 02-07-2012, 05:48 PM Thread Starter
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My spell check must be failing then xD

A'ight, I'll give it another try.

And the second paragraph isn't supposed to make sense.

The hills were bathed in moonlight, the shadows not so stark;
Silver light reflected off his brown hide as he held me in the dark
– I love you, Mudpie!
mudpie is offline  
post #5 of 11 Old 02-07-2012, 05:53 PM Thread Starter
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Well there it is with the correction...

The hills were bathed in moonlight, the shadows not so stark;
Silver light reflected off his brown hide as he held me in the dark
– I love you, Mudpie!
mudpie is offline  
post #6 of 11 Old 02-07-2012, 06:34 PM
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Spellcheck wouldn't have caught it because impeding is a word too...
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post #7 of 11 Old 02-07-2012, 06:35 PM Thread Starter
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Oh. Then I must just be an idiot. XD

OTHER than that and the second paragraph not making sense to you... is it okay?

The hills were bathed in moonlight, the shadows not so stark;
Silver light reflected off his brown hide as he held me in the dark
– I love you, Mudpie!
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post #8 of 11 Old 02-07-2012, 07:04 PM
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Depends on what it is written for. There are many writing styles, each designed for a specifc venue or audience. A good communicator can use many writing styles and uses the appropriate writing style for the situation.

If you are just memorializing your thoughts for your own benefit, it really doesn't matter. If it is intended for an audience, then IMO it is not effective...
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post #9 of 11 Old 02-07-2012, 07:18 PM Thread Starter
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Okay. Thanks. :)

The hills were bathed in moonlight, the shadows not so stark;
Silver light reflected off his brown hide as he held me in the dark
– I love you, Mudpie!
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post #10 of 11 Old 02-07-2012, 07:52 PM
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Don't take it the wrong way. Your writing is very typical of young writers just starting out. I was the same way.

Beginning writers tend to not see the forest for the trees. They lose sight of the whole purpose of writing, and tend to "write" rather than to "communicate", which is what writing is all about. Flowery prose is fine if it is a genuine style, consistent, and truly conveys the picture the writer is trying to send, however in their exuberance to write in a complex style, novice writers often write in a style they mistakenly perceive as "good writing", rather than good communication. "Good writing" is writing that your audience, whatever that audience may be, can clearly understand, and that precisely conveys what you are trying to say. I don't know how old you are or how far along in your education you are, but typically high school teachers really blow it when it comes to teaching communication skills. Usually freshman composition in college is when you first encounter how to structure your writing and truly communicate.

I use five different writing styles myself. When I was a Geophysicist, I wrote highly technical articles in the Journal of the Society of Exploration Geophysicists - articles a lay person would never understand, but which communicated well to other Geophysicists, Geologists, and Petroleum Engineers. In my seminars, speeches, and articles targeting small business owners, I communicate in terms and a style which insures they will understand exactly what I am saying. That is sort of a semi-technical style. When I was a public information officer for the government for many years, I wrote countless articles and press releases, and wrote by the AP stylebook, which is what most journalists use - very simple, concise, and targetting an unsophisticated and uneducated audience. And then in venues such as this forum, I normally write in a conversational style, just as if I were having a casual conversation with someone. Lastly, I write a bit more flowery and descriptive when I am writing fiction, taking time to put the finishing touches on the pictures I am painting for the reader.

Whatever style you use, when you critique and edit your own writing, the most important question to ask yourself is "does that convey what I REALLY want to say in a manner the my audience will REALLY understand"? If it does, fine...if not tweak it till it does.

Kudos for trying, and keep on trucking. Communication skills are very important, and are sadly becomming a lost art. Remember - those with good communication skills are invariably more successful in life than those without...
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