My descriptive naritive story for college eng 101, read and tell my what you think!
   

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My descriptive naritive story for college eng 101, read and tell my what you think!

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  • Discriptive horse narrative
  • Descriptive stories on horses

 
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    10-06-2011, 01:18 AM
  #1
Green Broke
Talking My descriptive naritive story for college eng 101, read and tell my what you think!

​Samantha Garrett

​Mr. Woods, Eng 101

*

A thousand pounds of pure power. Able to end your life in one moment if they choose to, yet

Gentle and honest, the horse is an amazing animal. They have the strength to do anything they

Please. This is what thrills me. To sit on the back of animal that keeps me sane. Feeling their

Muscle structure shift under you with every step and yet to be able to be one with these majestic

Animals. The feeling of flying with invisible wings, its two hearts, one passion and a mind set

To embrace the power they let us barrow. Knowing that all gentleness, calmness and the bond of

The partnership can be snapped, not unlike a calm stream suddenly turned to rapids or like a

Calm day suddenly turned into a day of havoc by a black tornado.

*

It was just my young blood bay thoroughbred mare, little did I know that this day would make

Me rethink everything I’ve known and felt about riding horses. To remember we can’t control

These animals, we have to learn to work with them, to communicate with their delicate minds that

Are just as sensitive as ours. Things are good and then there was this moment when you just

Know something isn’t right. You have this sensation that something terrible is about to happen.

The thing I realized in that moment is that it was too late to change the course of action. That

Moment of realization had never been stronger in me, sure I have taken my share if falls, hard

And brutal into walls, jumps, in the cold mud, tasting the grainy bitter taste of sand in my mouth.

I knew in that split second I was not going to be okay. It felt like the longest thirty seconds of my

Life, the most terrifying and endless thirty seconds. Here’s what occurred.

*

I had only been on this little mare for a few minutes, just trying to relax and get her muscles and

Joint’s warm before really working her when suddenly she stopped in her tracks, head up,

Ears back as if to say something is wrong. I could sense that she felt unsure of herself so I kicked

Her forward to attempt to take her mind off of whatever was worrying her. That moment I could

Feel her whole body under my seat and leg tighten up like when you get a cramp in your calf and

Nothing is moving just painfully tight. Trying to get her to simply just move forward, with the

Feeling of dread washing over me like a tidal wave, again I kicked her with cold feet in my soft

Leather boots Not even getting a chance for my leg to come back down against her side

Suddenly I was lifted straight up, almost tipping over backwards into the cold frozen and

Unforgiving sand that was under us. We went up, high, I could feel all her power under me to lift

Both of us, then down we came, fast and hard, the air was cold with the sudden movement, as if

You were in a snow blizzard. Then I felt our heads collide with so much force I couldn’t think.

Again we went back upward so fast it made me dizzy to open my eyes, so I shut them

Tight. The slow motion of her front legs landing again, I could hear her hooves hit the sand.

Again, we cracked heads. Now I felt my head was a base ball whirling at high speeds to meet the

Bat for a grand slam, only that grand slam was into her skull…again and again this happened,

Each time coming back down from her powerful rear it was like time slowed and I knew we

Would crack head again, that sickening feeling in my gut rose up to my head as if all my thoughts

Were turning in slow motion and I couldn’t think of how to end this nightmare of a ride.

*

Suddenly it stopped just as fast as it had started, I slid off, tears burning my eyes and felt like hot

Acid on my cheeks, trembling from head to toe out of pure fear for my life. My heart was racing,

Pounding so hard in my chest it hurt to breath. That sickening feeling arising in my gut as if I

Was to throw up or was I going to just collapse…I couldn’t think, I couldn’t process what had

Just happened. Now just standing there beside my little sweet horse, she looked at me with

Innocence and nudging my body that was in a pure state of shock, she blew her warm breath out

On my hand. Seeing her breath come like smoke out of a chimney.

*

That was an experience I will never shake out of my body, I still ride to this day, still love it. But

I most definitely took time to think about the pure danger this sport involves. More than football,

More than soccer, who else works, partners up with a thousand pound animal, with four strong

Legs and hooves capable of in split seconds ending your life? Me. I do. I face that danger every

Time I put my foot in the stirrup to lift me up onto their broad and very powerful back. I face it

Head on with a smile on my face. I stare danger down and defeat it with my equine partner. I

Wound up with a nasty concussion and was in a fog for a few days after. Remembering seeing

My life flash before my eyes… I never want to feel that way again, it’s indescribably painful. To

Wonder when at that moment you are alone, being thrashed around by my incredibly powerful

Animal “Will I be okay?” “How bad is this going to hurt?” “If I can’t get up when will someone

Find me?”

*

That moment when you don’t know if you will make it out of the situation alive or not and what

You will miss out on, you think about what you want to say to people you love. That moment

When all you do is freeze up cause your sense are overwhelmed and can’t take it all in, you smell

Fear on you. You see everything happening in slow motion, you hear every little sound as if its

Amplified in your ears. You feel everything like a shockwave hitting you only at the maximum

Level, your eyes dilate and in that split second you think, “If I go now, it won’t hurt and it will be

Over so fast.” Then you remember, your life is worth fighting for, and *the adrenalin kicks

In. Everything goes from slow motion to high speed but you’re trying to keep up, you are going

To keep up because you must.

*

In these moments I faced fear at the most daring level. I could think so clearly in the moments

That went in slow motion. I could see my breath as is drew out of my dry mouth into the cold

Air. I could see my horse’s mane flow with the roller coaster motion; I could feel every muscle in

Her body tighten and release, With every breath I felt her body lifting off the ground with all her

Strength, *her hooves coming back down and hearing the sand be displaced from the weight she

Was throwing around.

*

When it was over I realized I took danger in my hands and literally rode it out until it was over.

*

*
     
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    10-06-2011, 01:19 AM
  #2
Green Broke
Note this is just my rough draft!! I know there are things to change!!
     
    10-06-2011, 02:11 AM
  #3
Super Moderator
Is the way it's written, with the sentences running on and then starting on the next line a convention that is purposeful, or an accident? You want it this way, right? I think it could be successful, but if you want to make it into poetry, then you want to think about words that not necesariy rhym, but may have alliteration (sassy sister sue sat on the swing, sipping her silly soft drink). That kind of stuff helps.

Um m m . . . Let's see. I think that in all honesty the whole paragraph should just pretty much start from the sentence abou the blood bay thoroughbred and that incident. YOu can use sounds for how your head sounded when it hit her head, and how hard and heavy is a horse's head. I think you have too many sentences about the incident. I mean, it's good and I got involved in reading it as youd described the three times you bonked your head as she reared, then I would not go back and redescribe it later.
Also, it woud be nice if you touched on what ever it was that spooked her, if it is known to you. How you feel about her now?

All inall, there's some good stuff there, just needs to be pared down a bit. Sometimes less is more.


What I marked in red is what I might cut out, green are my suggestions. Ok?






Quote:
Originally Posted by Klassic Superstar    
​Samantha Garrett

​Mr. Woods, Eng 101

*

A thousand pounds of pure power. Able to end your life in one moment if they choose to, yet

Gentle and honest, the horse is an amazing animal. They have the strength to do anything they

Please. This is what thrills me. To sit on the back of animal that keeps me sane. Feeling their

Muscle structure shift under you with every step and yet to be able to be one with these majestic

Animals. The feeling of flying with invisible wings, its two hearts, one passion and a mind set

To embrace the power they let us barrow. Knowing that all gentleness, calmness and the bond of

The partnership can be snapped, not unlike a calm stream suddenly turned to rapids or like a

Calm day suddenly turned into a day of havoc by a black tornado.

*

It was just my young blood bay thoroughbred mare, little did I know that this day would make

Me rethink everything I’ve known and felt about riding horses. To remember we can’t control

These animals, we have to learn to work with them, to communicate with their delicate minds that

Are just as sensitive as ours. Things are good and then there was this moment when you just

Know something isn’t right. You have this sensation that something terrible is about to happen.

The thing I realized in that moment is that it was too late to change the course of action. That

Moment of realization had never been stronger in me, sure I have taken my share if falls, hard

And brutal into walls, jumps, in the cold mud, tasting the grainy bitter taste of sand in my mouth.

I knew in that split second I was not going to be okay. It felt like the longest thirty seconds of my

Life, the most terrifying and endless thirty seconds. Here’s what occurred.

*

I had only been on this little mare for a few minutes, just trying to relax and get her muscles and

joint’s warm before really working her when suddenly she stopped in her tracks, head up,

Ears back as if to say something is wrong. I could sense that she felt unsure of herself so I kicked

Her forward to attempt to take her mind off of whatever was worrying her. That moment I could

Feel her whole body under my seat and leg tighten up like when you get a cramp in your calf and

Nothing is moving just painfully tight. Trying to get her to simply just move forward, with the

Feeling of dread washing over me like a tidal wave, again I kicked her with cold feet in my soft

Leather boots Not even getting a chance for my leg to come back down against her side

Suddenly I was lifted straight up, almost tipping over backwards into the cold frozen and

Unforgiving sand that was under us. We went up, high, I could feel all her power under me to lift

Both of us, then down we came, fast and hard, the air was cold with the sudden movement, as if

You were in a snow blizzard. Then I felt (some kind of sound word for how your heads sounded when they collided?) our heads collide with so much force I couldn’t think.

Again we went back upward so fast it made me dizzy to open my eyes, so I shut them

Tight. The slow motion of her front legs landing again, I could hear her hooves hit the sand.

Again, we cracked heads. Now I felt my head was a base ball whirling at high speeds to meet the

Bat for a grand slam, only that grand slam was into her skull…again and again this happened, ( could repeat that sound word)

Each time coming back down from her powerful rear it was like time slowed and I knew we

Would crack head again, that sickening feeling in my gut rose up to my head as if all my thoughts

Were turning in slow motion and I couldn’t think of how to end this nightmare of a ride.

*

Suddenly it stopped just as fast as it had started, I slid off, tears burning my eyes and felt like hot

Acid on my cheeks, trembling from head to toe out of pure fear for my life. My heart was racing,

Pounding so hard in my chest it hurt to breath. That sickening feeling arising in my gut as if I would surely

was to throw up or was I going to just collapse…I couldn’t think, I couldn’t process what had

Just happened. Now just standing there beside my little sweet horse, she looked at me with

Innocence and nudging my body that was in a pure state of shock, she blew her warm breath out

On my hand. Seeing her breath come like smoke out of a chimney. seeing her breath I ...... need something hear.

*

That was an experience I will never shake out of my body,(new sentence , new thought ) I still ride to this day, still love it. But

I most definitely took time to think about the pure danger (and mortality) this sport involves. More than football,

More than soccer, who else works, partners up with a thousand pound animal, with four strong

Legs and hooves capable of in (reverse the next two phrases: ending your life in a split second)split seconds ending your life? Me. I do. I face that danger every

Time I put my foot in the stirrup to lift me up onto their broad and very powerful back. I face it

Head on with a smile on my face. I stare danger down and defeat it with my equine partner. (I might end the paragraph here) I

Wound up with a nasty concussion and was in a fog for a few days after. Remembering seeing

My life flash before my eyes… I never want to feel that way again, it’s indescribably painful. To

Wonder when at that moment you are alone, being thrashed around by my incredibly powerful

Animal “Will I be okay?” “How bad is this going to hurt?” “If I can’t get up when will someone

Find me?”

*
The following paragraph might make a very nice entrance to the description of the incident.

That moment when you don’t know if you will make it out of the situation alive or not and what

You will miss out on, you think about what you want to say to people you love. That moment

When all you do is freeze up cause your sense are overwhelmed and can’t take it all in, you smell

Fear on you. You see everything happening in slow motion, you hear every little sound as if its

Amplified in your ears. You feel everything like a shockwave hitting you only at the maximum

Level, your eyes dilate and in that split second you think, “If I go now, it won’t hurt and it will be

Over so fast.” Then you remember, your life is worth fighting for, and *the adrenalin kicks

In. Everything goes from slow motion to high speed but you’re trying to keep up, you are going

To keep up because you must.

(the rest of this feels redundant to me)
*

In these moments I faced fear at the most daring level. I could think so clearly in the moments

That went in slow motion. I could see my breath as is drew out of my dry mouth into the cold

Air. I could see my horse’s mane flow with the roller coaster motion; I could feel every muscle in

Her body tighten and release, With every breath I felt her body lifting off the ground with all her

Strength, *her hooves coming back down and hearing the sand be displaced from the weight she

Was throwing around.

*

When it was over I realized I took danger in my hands and literally rode it out until it was over.

*

*
     
    10-06-2011, 12:18 PM
  #4
Foal
So far, it's very interesting. I like how personal it feels with the first-person narration. There are a few grammar errors and some awkward sentences to smooth out but it's a good start. I'm guessing the capitalization on every line was an accident? When I get some time I'll see if I can proofread it for you, but for now I think the biggest thing that stands out is the question of why your mare reared, it's never explained at the end. Even if you mentioned you never found out why, it would help.
     
    10-06-2011, 12:32 PM
  #5
Green Broke
LOL yeah the compupter was being all funky with word that day, so it is a lil weird looking.

I honostly have no clue why she reared that day. I didnt see anything that was scary, nothing big was going on, it was the first 5-10 minutes of our ride. Could have been a number of things.
     

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