BO/trainer and the kid politics - The Horse Forum
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post #1 of 19 Old 07-23-2013, 10:41 AM Thread Starter
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BO/trainer and the kid politics

Hello, I am not sure if this belongs in this forum, or not, feel free to move!

My daughter has been riding about a year, and we lease a horse at the barn. We like the trainer a ton, and she has been very good for my kid.

The other girls at the barn (10-13) not so much. They dont allow my daughter to hang out with them, and they are exclude her from helping at the barn. I am wondering if you were us....Is this something you might change barns for? The BO is a friend of the owner of the horse we lease, so this would mean leaving the horse and trainer behind. But honestly these bullies are making it so my kid doesnt want to go to the barn.
Should I talk to the BO/trainer? I feel like it may seem whiny.

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post #2 of 19 Old 07-23-2013, 10:50 AM
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I would try to get behind the reason for the problem. How old is your daughter?
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post #3 of 19 Old 07-23-2013, 10:55 AM
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How old is she compared to the other girls? Do they all go to school together? I might ask advice from your trainer and BO, but would not put down the other girls necessarily because the BO probably really likes them and they are a decent part of their business. So I would seek "advice".
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post #4 of 19 Old 07-23-2013, 11:06 AM
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I wouldn't move JUST yet. If you seek advice/help and nothing has changed...I would move. You don't want to ruin your child's love of horses because of some brats. The barn is somewhere she should want to go to hang out, not dread.
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post #5 of 19 Old 07-23-2013, 12:59 PM
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Do you actually see this happening, or is just what your daughter tells you happens? sometimes they are not the same.

I would not leave for that unless there was real bullying going on, in which case I would speak with the trainer and try to get to the bottom of this.
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post #6 of 19 Old 07-23-2013, 02:26 PM
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I would try to find out what is going on. If they are just being mean girls, and they get in trouble for being mean, then they will probably just get worse when no adult is around.
maybe you should stay at the barn while your child is having lessons and just observe what is happening. I your child younger ? a tattle tell ? a whiner or crier ? If it continues and your child is un happy Then Move. WHy make your child unhappy to do something that should make her happy. You can probably find another horse to lease at a barn your child will be happy .
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post #7 of 19 Old 07-24-2013, 05:55 AM Thread Starter
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Ok, I can fill in some more details.....
There are basically 2 girls who are making it a little hard on my daughter, who is 11 and has been riding only a year. One of the girls is the one who told my daughter to ride here, and has been riding for several years, shes been at this barn for 2 years now. She goes to school with my kid.

The other is a year older, has been at this barn forever and goes to a different school.

My daughter is doing walk-trot and the others do short stirrup. My kid is desparately trying to catch up to them, and they are always in lessons together, hacking together etc.

I try and always stay at lessons, during the school year I do, but on weekends the girls "work" at the barn and I have seen these 2 walk away and tell my kid to "do something else" In summer I often have to work while lessons are going on.

I guess my kid complains, but its been worse lately and the BO/Trainer (same girl) is in her 20s and has no kids. I am not sure she particularly cares if my kid is happy, as long as her hacks and lessons are going well, (they are) and I pay my bill on time ( I do, lol)

So should I approach the BO/trainer or just work on it with my kid?
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post #8 of 19 Old 07-24-2013, 10:32 AM
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I have no personal experience with this problem but when I started riding again as an adult, there was a barn where I would ride once a week. The place resembled an adolescent girls' club with young teens who leased horses or had their own.

The girls were at the barn every afternoon after school and all day on the weekends. There was one parental unit who to be the major coordinator and peace keeper/ enforcer. But she wasn't there all the time, just the BO who was an all-around nice guy but stayed out of the way most of the time, but also wanted no drama.

The kind of exclusionary, bullying behavior you describe was not tolerated. Ever.

My suggestion would be to see if you can gather the parents of the kids, and get the trainer and BO in on the discussion. I believe that most people who have children want to have well behaved, polite, considerate children (whether they themselves are, or not) and would want to ensure that their kids are not bullying others and learn to play well with others. It sounds like it's not all that great for the other kids who are not bullies to observe that bullying is tolerated. Maybe the trainer & BO don't know what's happening and would be alarmed to know your daughter was being harassed.

Somebody needs to be a grown-up here and take the lead instead of letting the kids run amok. Call it 'training.'

It depends on how much you like being there as to how much effort you are willing expend in an attempt to correct the situation.

Last edited by cheval noir; 07-24-2013 at 10:38 AM.
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post #9 of 19 Old 07-24-2013, 12:32 PM
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Bullying is a serious thing. I don't know if this is quote 'bullying' yet, but I'm going to give my little story just for kicks -

Okay, so at my old barn, the BO had a daughter that is my age. We will call her Maya. Maya has the crappiest, snobbiest personality I have ever seen on a person. She is extremely two-faced, and to be honest, I've never liked her. At all. Time travel back to many years ago, I was in horse camp, and Maya had a little clique of friends, whom were all just like her. We keep all of our camping stuff in one area, and a girl who was maybe 2 years younger than we were was getting into her stuff. Maya walked up and shoved this girl away, screaming at her, "get out of the way! ugh!" The girl stumbled backwards, and Maya's clique came up and began pushing her around from one person to another. Now, I am VERY VERY VERY anti-bullying. I stormed up to this clique and told them if they didn't step away from the girl, I would kick all of their butts. When they tried to come at me, Maya and one other girl ended up on the ground. Maya and her clique never bothered me again, and I made sure to always step between them and the other kids if they ever messed with them.

Fast forward to about four years after that summer camp situation. We are all a bit older, Maya still dislikes me. There are some different people in the barn. They are a bit older than I am and have better personalities. Naturally, they also dislike Maya and love me. Suddenly, I'm the more popular person in the barn than Maya was. This outraged Maya. When she started going to my school, she tried to make life living hell for me. Spreading rumors and other petty girly stupid crap. I'm essentially at the bottom of the food chain in my school, so it was easy for her to slam me. I did confront her, however, and I no longer have any problems with Maya. I have long since moved barns, absolutely SICK of the stupid, cliquey, high school type drama.

So the main point is, YES bullying is AWFUL. But, there are many things you can do before you move barns. There are easier ways to solve the situation. When I had the riff with the girls years ago, I was only ten years old. If your daughter can stand up for herself, it shouldn't be that big of a problem.

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post #10 of 19 Old 07-24-2013, 12:53 PM
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Very good for you, Jumper.

Unfortunately not all people are as brave as you are and they need some help and defense, like you were able to give Maya's target. And your story is a great example of how other kids can be negatively influenced by a bully. No one deserves to be bullied and it is something that can happen anywhere and at any time.

Standing up to bullying is a good thing but it still doesn't improve the atmosphere that allows the drama. Chrisr, you will be doing everyone a favor if you are able to help improve the atmosphere in the entire barn. Horses and riding and the barn where it all happens should be fun.

I am a barn owner and whenever there's drama, the person creating it is gone as soon as possible. If it's no fun for someone else, it's no fun for me either.
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