How to deal with this situation?
   

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How to deal with this situation?

This is a discussion on How to deal with this situation? within the Horse Boarding forums, part of the Barns, Boarding, and Farms category
  • If i ask my trainer to help me find a horse do i have to pay her?
  • Owner asked to let her know if you ever sell her horse

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    02-06-2012, 01:21 PM
  #1
Weanling
How to deal with this situation?

Hi everyone.

I've posted previously of my 5 year old mare, Cheyenne. I am boarding her in a beautiful facility that it probably the best around this area. I like the people and the way the barn runs. I'd prefer to KEEP her here so keep that in mind as you read my post.

My coach/trainer is very good friends with the barn owner (I will refer to as BO from now on). They work together and they have known each other for quite some time. It is the reason why I decided to board my mare there in the first place. The BO does not have a horse right now and is kind of looking for one. He fell in love with my mare and was ready to buy her if I didn't choose to (he's very picky and everyone knows this about him). Recently my coach told me that he asked her why she keeps coming out to help me...that it's my horse and I should be doing it. However, I do need help! I do not have a vast amount of experience with young, green horses as my coach does and I would have NEVER bought her if I didn't have the help of a trainer. He always makes comments to me like "you frustrated enough yet with that mare?" I know they are all in good fun, but I feel like his comments might be registering with my coach. She has not came out to help me as much. I overheard her talking with another person at the barn and she said "I'd love to see what the BO could do with her," and she's also told me "don't feel like you have to keep her if she gets too frustrating; I won't be offended if you sell her."

I don't need someone to hold my hand exactly but I do need someone who is serious about giving me the help I need to improve my horse and I as partners and as athletes. I am looking for a new trainer (just put up a post about that as well). How do I deal with the situation with the BO. I feel like people are waiting for me to fail and would rather see my horse in his hands rather than mine. Things are frustrating and stressful enough with a 5 year old mare -- I really do not like having added stress and people routing against me. I may be being overly sensitive. The BO's wife has said something like "if you ever need help just give us a holler." Don't get me wrong, they are both extremely nice. I would really LOVE if the BO would come out and help me but I don't know how to ask him or if he would even want to do it. I'd even pay him. That way he would get to work with my mare (that he loves) while he's still looking for his horse.

Does anyone have any opinions/advice? Thanks.
     
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    02-06-2012, 02:13 PM
  #2
Started
That's a tough one. It can't feel good to have people implying you should sell the horse or that you may not be the right person for her. Have you talked to your trainer specifically about this? If you are paying for her help, you should be receiving it regardless of what others may be saying to her.

Good luck.
     
    02-06-2012, 02:25 PM
  #3
mls
Trained
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kelly22790    
The BO's wife has said something like "if you ever need help just give us a holler." Don't get me wrong, they are both extremely nice. I would really LOVE if the BO would come out and help me but I don't know how to ask him or if he would even want to do it. I'd even pay him. That way he would get to work with my mare (that he loves) while he's still looking for his horse.

Does anyone have any opinions/advice? Thanks.
Follow up on this. Take the BO's wife aside and be up front with her. Let her know you would love the help but are concerned about any potential ackwardness since the current trainer and he are friends.

She opened the door for you, all you need to do is step through.
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    02-06-2012, 02:32 PM
  #4
Weanling
Quote:
Originally Posted by crimsonsky    
that's a tough one. It can't feel good to have people implying you should sell the horse or that you may not be the right person for her. Have you talked to your trainer specifically about this? If you are paying for her help, you should be receiving it regardless of what others may be saying to her.

Good luck.


First, thanks so much for taking the time to reply.

I can't really say anything to my trainer because she is kind of helping me for free. I leased her horse for 3 years and the leasing agreement was a set price per month with unlimited riding and lessons if I needed or wanted them. I didn't ask her for many lessons throughout the time I was leasing her gelding so I think that she has been helping me because she feels like she kind of owes me for basically paying for her gelding's board for the past 3 years (and keeping him exercised). I've also became very close with her. I will be 22 at the end of the month and I have known her since I was 10 (started taking lessons from her then). I watch her 1 year old son for free when I can and we just kind of do favors for each other.

I did tell her that the chiropractor is coming out this Wednesday and that once I get the OK to ride her again I will need help getting Cheyenne back on track. I asked her if it's possible if she could come out a couple times a week to help me. We were texting so I will send our exact conversation:

Me: Hey just so happened that Heather was out the other day so I made an appointment with her for the 8th. I think if there's nothing wrong with her I'm going to need help getting her back on track...I feel like I'm not getting anywhere on my own or maybe I am...I don't know. I was wondering if you could help me a few days a week. I can pay you if you want (I don't have much extra $$ after paying board etc. but I can do some)....If not, do you know anyone else who could help me for a minimum cost?

Her: I can probably come out once a week or so to help but like you said it's probably something you just have to get through with her. But I bet it might have something to do with her back or that saddle.

Me: Yea I know I just need someone to kind of talk me through it a few times so I know I'm doing the right thing. I just don't want her fits to get any worse due to something that I am doing.

Her: Ok no prob let me know when you are going out this week

...She came out on Saturday to help me and we got some things accomplished. But she just doesn't sound like she wants to help anymore. I don't know what to do.
     
    02-06-2012, 02:52 PM
  #5
Weanling
OK, this situation sucks. Let me tell you about something from the other side

In our barn, we had a situation where a young girl was talked into a rescue horse as her first horse. No one in the family had ever owned a horse. The kid, 12, had taken a couple dozen lessons. This horse was WAY out of her league. When an experienced rider was on this horse, she was fine. When the kid got on, with a death grip with her legs, the horse would absolutely freak out. She hit the dirt several times in the first few weeks.

This horse was basically just really sensitive. She was Saddlebred and high strung. She would react to less then half an ounce of pressure from leg or rein. To handle this horse, this kid needed years of lessons.

The day they hauled into the barn, the barn manager's husband, who had been a horse trader for several decades, told them to sell the horse. The barn manager took two or three days to express the same thought - this horse and kid combination was BAD.

Over the next two months, the parents quietly asked opinions of the other boarders, looking for a different opinion. They did not get one. Every single person flat said they needed to get rid of the horse before it killed thier daughter.

One day, my Saddlebred was havign an off day and took my daughter for a less than controled jigg across the barn. When the mother commented somethign about how odd that was, my daughter chimed in that no, it is just because the breed is so sensitive they occasionaly have mental meltdowns.

Instead of findng an appropiate horse for the kid, the parents went out and bought a 3D barrel horse for her, ALSO. So now the kid with no skills had two high strung horses to ride daily... They did not follow up on any offers of lessons or help.

At that point the stable owner asked them to move because the other boarders were actively avoiding going out when we knew they woudl be there. Since then, the first horse has died at the hands of another teen who tried to 'disapline' the horse out of being too sensitive by chasing her around an arena with her nose tied to the saddle. Her neck broke when she fell.

My opinion on your case. Go and be friendly, and talk to those who are makign the comments. Let them know how you feel, and get the whole story out of them. If you just need some help, keep pestering them to get it. You can do it and it will be well worth your while.

If everyone thinks you are way over your head... think about other options. Maybe send the horse out for training.
     
    02-06-2012, 04:15 PM
  #6
Weanling
Yadlim that you for the reply. That is an absolutely horrible situation for all involved -- especially the tragic death of that horse.

My situation isn't quite like that. I am a bit more experienced than the girl you described. I think the problem is right now as my trainer says, "I know you are capable of doing this yourself because you can and do do it when I am here." she strongly believes right now that I need alone time with my mare and that we need to work on things by ourselves. The thing is, I just don't feel as confident and comfortable yet alone as I do with someone there. Firstly, for safety issues. If something is to happen then I know someone would be there to help. Secondly, because it builds up my confidence so when I am by myself I can go at it more at ease.

I don't think the issue is that people think we are really poorly matched, it's just, well, my horse is fought over a bit. Everyone has their opinions on what she should and shouldn't be doing. I think people just think that the BO is a "better" match for my mare. He has reining experience and that's exactly what he'd do with her. Honestly, I'd have no problem doing that with her myself eventually.

Quote:
Originally Posted by yadlim    
OK, this situation sucks. Let me tell you about something from the other side

In our barn, we had a situation where a young girl was talked into a rescue horse as her first horse. No one in the family had ever owned a horse. The kid, 12, had taken a couple dozen lessons. This horse was WAY out of her league. When an experienced rider was on this horse, she was fine. When the kid got on, with a death grip with her legs, the horse would absolutely freak out. She hit the dirt several times in the first few weeks.

This horse was basically just really sensitive. She was Saddlebred and high strung. She would react to less then half an ounce of pressure from leg or rein. To handle this horse, this kid needed years of lessons.

The day they hauled into the barn, the barn manager's husband, who had been a horse trader for several decades, told them to sell the horse. The barn manager took two or three days to express the same thought - this horse and kid combination was BAD.

Over the next two months, the parents quietly asked opinions of the other boarders, looking for a different opinion. They did not get one. Every single person flat said they needed to get rid of the horse before it killed thier daughter.

One day, my Saddlebred was havign an off day and took my daughter for a less than controled jigg across the barn. When the mother commented somethign about how odd that was, my daughter chimed in that no, it is just because the breed is so sensitive they occasionaly have mental meltdowns.

Instead of findng an appropiate horse for the kid, the parents went out and bought a 3D barrel horse for her, ALSO. So now the kid with no skills had two high strung horses to ride daily... They did not follow up on any offers of lessons or help.

At that point the stable owner asked them to move because the other boarders were actively avoiding going out when we knew they woudl be there. Since then, the first horse has died at the hands of another teen who tried to 'disapline' the horse out of being too sensitive by chasing her around an arena with her nose tied to the saddle. Her neck broke when she fell.

My opinion on your case. Go and be friendly, and talk to those who are makign the comments. Let them know how you feel, and get the whole story out of them. If you just need some help, keep pestering them to get it. You can do it and it will be well worth your while.

If everyone thinks you are way over your head... think about other options. Maybe send the horse out for training.
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    02-06-2012, 04:36 PM
  #7
Weanling
I am glad to hear that is the case!!!

Then, smile and go have FUN with your horse. You will only gain the confidence by doing - just take it slow.

As for the talk... it will either go away on its own - unlikely, go away with confrintation - possible, or you may need to find a new stable. Think of it as a compliment that you were smart enough to get the horse first, but let people know that you don't like what you are hearing. They might not know they are upsetting you.

Good luck!
Ray MacDonald likes this.
     
    02-07-2012, 02:13 PM
  #8
Weanling
Sounds like the best way to approach the situation is to actually being paying each other for your services (her paying you for babysitting, you paying her for training). Training is time consuming, and it really is not your trainer's duty to rush to aid everytime something goes wrong. If I were you, I'd talk to her about specific "lesson" days, and pay her for her services. I think you'd be more satisfied that way. Also, it is possible that the BO knows you aren't paying and doesn't understand why the trainer is giving you lessons without payment.
     
    02-07-2012, 02:47 PM
  #9
Trained
Quote:
Her: I can probably come out once a week or so to help but like you said it's probably something you just have to get through with her. But I bet it might have something to do with her back or that saddle.
This right here, tells me that she isn't interested in helping you. My trainer would NEVER say that you me. "It's probably something you just have to get through with her." That's what SHE is there for. That's why SHE is the trainer. And that's why YOU are asking for HER help.

She doesn't want to help you. Fine. Find another trainer. Chances are, you'll actually get somewhere with your horse when you get some real help.
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    02-07-2012, 03:11 PM
  #10
Started
Hello, as a newcomer on this board, I'll try to offer my view -

Firstly - your trainer is presumably someone who makes a living out of horses? She may have once been prepared to help you for free (or in return for other work), but you can't keep asking her for this - it's putting her in an awkward situation. If you want help (and goodness knows, we all need help with our horses at times, that's half the joy of the journey), then you must be prepared to pay for it. If you like this trainer and feel that you perform and learn the best with her, then call her and ask to book a paid-for lesson. Simple. She is a professional, you are a client. Alternatively, try out some other trainers. There is no shame or disloyalty in trying out various different people - we get different things from different people.

Secondly - stop texting, start calling. If you want to have a conversation with your trainer (or anyone else for that matter), then do it either face to face or on the 'phone. Texting leads to miscommunication and misunderstanding and upset.

And finally, the Yard Owner. If he's a good trainer and you respect his methods, and want to get the benefit of his experience - then ask him for some lessons. If you don't feel this way, then don't be pressured into this. As soon as he sees you following your own path, and paying for regular help - and progressing with your horse - he will probably lessen with the 'helpful' comments.

Good luck with your horse, it sounds like you will have a lovely time with her.
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