How do you progress when you're shunned? - The Horse Forum
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post #1 of 19 Old 01-04-2014, 02:50 PM Thread Starter
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How do you progress when you're shunned?

A few years ago, I bought my dream horse and ever since have boarded her in the BNT's barn in which I found her. I could never afford this trainer's professional services, but simply board her there. We are now gelling well enough when I ride that I feel more comfortable about the idea of showing. My mare could teach me a lot about showing; she won a lot before I got her.

But I know I'd really need a good two-legged mentor, and it's unlikely this trainer would be willing to do so. For months, trainer has pretty much shunned me. It's as though she no longer believes in me or takes me seriously. Every time I've said anything about showing, she just says, "Oh, that horse doesn't need to show." Well, of course the horse doesn't need to show. But maybe I do. And such comments leave me feeling very trivialized.

A few months ago, BNT did something really cra**y to me. It was completely uncalled for and trainer knew would hurt deeply, although I tried not to let it get to me. Until then, I'd thought we were friends. But I guess we weren't as good a friends as I'd thought.

I love my mare to pieces. But owning her is no fun under all the circumstances--and I've not gone into much detail. I'd like to move her, but that's not possible at the moment. I'd like to move her to a barn where I feel like it'd be possible to achieve at least some of my goals. My area is quite horse-oriented, but not toward my breed. And a lot of people (and judges) don't much care for her breed. I'd so like to have congenial barn mates.

It's a looooot harder to pursue your horse goals solo, with totally no one to help you or to refer you, if need be.

Maybe I could just use an encouraging word.

I wasn't sure which heading to put this thread under; it has elements that several headings might cover. If it's in a wrong thread, you're welcome to move it.
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post #2 of 19 Old 01-04-2014, 03:04 PM
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Is bringing in an outside coach possible, or is that againt the barn rules or your boarding contract?

Honestly, if the coach is the problem, you have only a handful of options - find out WHY the coach is being the way he/she is being (Ask for a 20 minute closed door meeting and sit down and discuss like grown ups, perhaps there's more to the story), bring in another coach (if it's possible), or move your horse. I know you said the last option isn't possible for whatever reason, however.

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post #3 of 19 Old 01-04-2014, 03:27 PM
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You have to cowgirl up here I think. Believe in yourself and your horse, doesn't matter what others think, its what you think. It sounds like you are at a negative place that makes you stressed and that will carry over to your horse. There must be somewhere that you can move. Even if you have to compromise on what you want in a facility, if its better for your horse and a more positive environment its worth it. If you chose to remain where you are, the only person who can make you a victim is yourself. For the sake of your horse and partnership, make it clear that you expect them to treat you and your horse with respect. Doesn't need to be confrontational or emotional just clear on what you expect. If you find it hard to do for yourself, do it for your horse, it'll get easier. Good luck.
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post #4 of 19 Old 01-04-2014, 04:09 PM
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why can you not move your horse? both you and she would be happier at a barn where people do not SHUN anyone.
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post #5 of 19 Old 01-04-2014, 05:42 PM
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I hate when people act like that and get judgey.. I second talking to her as it seems like she's the only option you have for a trainer if you can't move. Tell her your circumstance and just be firm and in charge with the convo- if you take her on as a trainer you are paying her for a service, so make it clear that you'd like a professional, fair relationship out of the matter. Doesn't matter how much she dislikes your horses breed, that's just bad business if she wants to pick and choose. Heck, I know many trainers who would be out of a job if they were so picky.

Be nice and fair with her- but firm. And don't hesitate to say something if you feel she isn't giving you the time and quality you deserve in lessons.

But amid all of this.. try to search for a different boarding facility or a different trainer if you can bring one in.

We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience. -Pierre Teilhard de Chardin
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post #6 of 19 Old 01-04-2014, 05:59 PM
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Why would one want to train under someone who behaves that childishly? she isn't going to be a better person , just the same one, even if you ARE her student.
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post #7 of 19 Old 01-04-2014, 07:39 PM
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I'm confused -- you are not paying for the trainer and yet hope for her to give you advice? Did I misread something?
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post #8 of 19 Old 01-08-2014, 11:36 PM
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Perhaps the reason the trainer doesn't have time for you is that you have not engaged her as your trainer. She's just another person, probably a busy one. If you tell her you want to show... what is she meant to say?

Is she actually shunning you, or does she just not have the time for you? Have you spoken to her about engaging her as a trainer and if she could work out a plan to get you toward showing? Once you become a customer I imagine she'll be a little different

I've said to people "you don't need to show", and I've never meant it badly. On the odd occasion I've met someone who is quite keen on showing but isn't in any way prepared, when they ask my opinion I honestly say "you don't need to show". It's my way of saying that showing is very expensive and extremely competitive around here, that without the right horse, right tack, right clothes and right training you're not going to be successful - and this person doesn't have any of it. I don't want to say that because it sounds mean. So I say "you don't need to show" to say that just because you know some people who train and ride to win at shows doesn't mean you have to. There are so many horsey things to do.

To be honest I hate showing, I did a little when I was a teen and even if I did well on the day I'd beat myself up over every little mistake. It wasn't a fun, supportive atmosphere I wouldn't really recommend it to anyone.

Bring in another trainer, talk to your trainer, or even take your horse elsewhere for lessons. There are many options. But to be honest and I mean this in the nicest way possible, if you want to get into showing you're going to have to toughen up. People will do worse than "shun" you. There are some lovely people in every show circle, but there are some nasty ones too.
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post #9 of 19 Old 01-09-2014, 09:40 AM
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Showing has gotten to be quite expensive-your mare has already won at showing so she has the experience-but you don't give us enough facts to give you good answers. Such as why can't you move? No trailer? Why is her breed an issue? Is she gaited? A draft cross? Are you still a student? What type of showing do you want to do? Most trainers don't have the time to give out free advice,maybe she is just busy? What does BNT mean?

If I wanted to show-I would just put my horse in a trailer-(can be rented) & go show, but when I did that I had a stallion to promote & showing was necessary. Nowadays I couldn't be dragged into a show ring-it is very stressful to me. But to each their own. Wishing you good times w/your horse. That relationship is the first priority.
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post #10 of 19 Old 02-19-2014, 01:59 PM Thread Starter
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BNT means Big Name Trainer.

Not meaning to brag, but my mare's won a national championship and Top Ten'd at some other very major shows. That's one reason I got her--so that I could fulfill a kind of dream, goal, ambition that's been with me since about the summer of 1976. And that's to hit the show ring. I wish the show thing would go someplace and not come back, but somehow it just keeps coming back to me.

I've been told by some very knowledgeable people who've seen me ride that with some work and schooling on my part, I could be quite competitive.

But as one poster mentioned, the relationship between my horse and me is the bottom line of all else. I totally agree. As much as I longed for my next horse for as many years as I did before I finally found her, we have a very special thing.

And yes, the trainer was definitely shunning me. No need to go into all that right here, but I'm definitely on the lookout for another place to put my mare. Went to look at another place just yesterday.
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