I might have a problem.... - The Horse Forum
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post #1 of 51 Old 11-14-2013, 09:35 PM Thread Starter
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I might have a problem....

It seems very odd to post for advice about this on the internet....but here it goes....

A couple of months ago I decided to purchase a couple of horses....did my research on a boarding facility and decided on small family owned barn. The BO is more than reasonable and just a genuinely nice person. And the barn/arenas are spectacular.

There are only a handful of boarders and really I am the Only boarder who rides regularly.

Anyway....the BO is an avid rider/trainer....obviously rode daily before I even came along. So naturally. ...when I DID come along...we spent some time riding together....in the arena...on trails...etc.

At first his wife rode with us (Actually him) pretty often. She is a super sweet lady but I think she primarily rides bc that is HIS thing....not necessarily hers.

Anyway....the past few weeks he is texting me all the time....going way overboard in accomodating me and my horses....anything I mention horse related shows up as a "gift" the next day....

I REALLY like this man....as a person. And if he werent married I might even consider dating him. But he IS married and all this attention is really making me uncomfortable. I dont want to change barns but things are starting to get uncomfortable.

How do I solve this tactfully?? And I am NOT a homewrecker. I have been nothing but kind....but I have NOT been flirtatious in ANY way.
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post #2 of 51 Old 11-14-2013, 09:44 PM
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oh, that does sound uncomfortable. do you think you could say anything to the fellow? or would that only make it worse? I don't' envy your position.
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post #3 of 51 Old 11-14-2013, 09:52 PM
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Kudos to you with the maturity in which you're handling this - clearly, he has a 'void' with his horses that his wife isn't fulfilling, although he probably loves her very much. At the moment, he has the riding companion (you) that he wishes his wife was, and is being overly exuberant in his excitement. His gifting you is a wee bit in-appropriate. I don't sense any adulterous intentions on his part, just 'excitement in having a riding companion'.... however, I would discreetly limit my riding time when I know he isn't there/knows you're going to be there, etc., to avoid any potential problems. When you do encounter him, you should turn all conversations toward asking about his wife - "Hi, Bill! How's Susan doing?" "I'll bet you're thrilled with the flower beds she planted around the property this Spring!", etc. Compliment her on purpose if you encounter him, and in doing so he'll be constantly reminded of his wife when in your presence...that's all I can think of, other than polite refusal for his gifts - don't even mention items you'd like around him. Hope this helps! :)
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post #4 of 51 Old 11-14-2013, 10:07 PM Thread Starter
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I appreciate the advice. It would be nearly impossible to ride when he is not there simply bc that is what he does full time now. However I DO think repeatedly complimenting/mentioning his wife is very sound advice. I just dont want to offend Anyone....him OR his wife and yet I love boarding my horses there.
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post #5 of 51 Old 11-15-2013, 11:33 AM
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I would just be really honest and tell him (in that old Victorian way) that you are not comfortable riding alone with him; that you enjoy riding with he AND his wife- it just feels more appropriate for you.
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post #6 of 51 Old 11-15-2013, 11:54 AM
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I would tell him that, while you do appreciate the lovely gifts, that you are just uncomfortable accepting them. I'd just leave it at that right now, and try to avoid mentioning anything horse-related that you may need to buy. He may not realize that he's crossing a line, and if another item appears then I'd just bring it back to him and remind him that you feel uncomfortable accepting the gifts.

I personally don't see any issue with the two of you riding together all the time. After all, it's not the wife's thing! If it makes you uncomfortable though, then try telling him that while you enjoy riding with him, you need to work your horse in a distraction-free environment once in awhile. Say "I'm sorry, but I can't really be much fun today. Horse has been having trouble picking up his left lead, so we're going to go out in the back paddock and work on it away from all of the barn distractions." Or "Horse has been behaving a little buddy sour lately, so I want to go ride him solo on the trails to work on it." Don't lie to him, but every horse has their issues that need to be addressed with the rider in full concentration occasionally. If he STILL won't leave you alone, then you need to be more blunt and discuss the issue with him.

I think that mentioning his wife in conversation is a good idea. If you're going on a trail ride or something mention that she come along. She may not want to, but reminding him that she IS a part of his horse life could go a long way.
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post #7 of 51 Old 11-15-2013, 12:13 PM
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If both of your horses are good on trails, can you bring a riding friend? Maybe a male one? You didn't mention an age range-is he retired? 30's? 40's? Do keep mentioning his wife, don't mention things you're wanting-all good advice. When I go on trail rides, I concentrate on my horse, & don't enter into too much conversation. The wind could be blowing, my hearing isn't the greatest-I was thinking about something else-maybe mention a SO? Hope some tips help your situation.
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post #8 of 51 Old 11-15-2013, 03:36 PM
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I'd be asking him if his wife picks out the gifts as you'd like to thank her in person.
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post #9 of 51 Old 11-15-2013, 03:45 PM Thread Starter
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Saddlebag View Post
I'd be asking him if his wife picks out the gifts as you'd like to thank her in person.
Haha! Good idea! ;) Anyway....update.

He started texting me this morning and I just politely told him that I thoroughly enjoyed boarding there....that I appreciated his kindness but that I was afraid his "kindness" might give people the wrong impression. ...namely his wife....and that I was uncomfortable with that.

He was gracious and said he didnt want anything to mess up our friendship and that he would tone it down.

Hopefully problem solved. Thanks again everyone for the input. This is a great forumn with great people. :)
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post #10 of 51 Old 11-15-2013, 04:17 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lucky1inKy View Post
Haha! Good idea! ;) Anyway....update.

He started texting me this morning and I just politely told him that I thoroughly enjoyed boarding there....that I appreciated his kindness but that I was afraid his "kindness" might give people the wrong impression. ...namely his wife....and that I was uncomfortable with that.

He was gracious and said he didnt want anything to mess up our friendship and that he would tone it down.

Hopefully problem solved. Thanks again everyone for the input. This is a great forumn with great people. :)
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Glad you've both come to terms with the issue! He'll probably back off a little now, so hopefully visiting your horse will be back to being a comfortable experience!
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