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Upset friends and I don't know what else to do

8K views 43 replies 18 participants last post by  Silent one 
#1 ·
I'll try to keep a long story brief, but need your thoughts on this.

Some very good friends of mine, a wife and her husband, wanted horses. They are beginners and didn't know that much. So we searched high and low until we found two very beginner friendly TWH mares. They have land but didn't have a fence up so I told them they could keep them for free at my place until they got their fence up. I think that was late last fall. Later, we rescued a 20 year old emaciated TWH. It took me several months to get her in decent shape but she turned out to be a wonderful horse for their granddaughter. So she is here too.

I turned their horses in with mine on the 48 acres across the road. In that pasture were three of my horses and my sister's spotted saddle horse and my little niece's spotted saddle horse (I keep the horses for my sister sometimes too). At the house I have 5 acres and on that side I had my sister's show horse and one of my horses.

Well, the horses on the 48 acres got out one day and my husband didn't know what else to do (I was at work) so he put them all in the 5 acres. During the chaos, one of the horses chased my sister's show horse into the fence, or kicked her badly, and ripped her chest open. Lots of stitches, a permanent scar and a $411 vet bill.

I suspected it was my friend's bay mare, who is very horse aggressive, but I didn't say anything about it much then. But last night I went out to find my little niece's small spotted saddle horse with a huge swelling on her lower jaw (mandible?). Very hard, not soft. So first thing this morning we are at the vet again. This time he said for sure it was a bad kick and her jaw is fractured. He said it happened probably two weeks ago and we are just now seeing bone growth over it, and the deformity to her jaw is permanent.

My vet said I am seeing the results of an aggressive horse's behavior and I need to determine which horse and get it out of the pasture ASAP before something worse happens. I've watched the horses a lot and know how they interact, and the ONLY one I've seen chase and kick the other horses is my friend's mare.

So I have called them and told them they have to get their fence up, and that I will help them put up electric fence, whatever it takes, but that I have to get their horses home to them. The horses that have gotten hurt don't even belong to me and I'm sick over that. I could tell my friends are angry and it makes me sick but I don't know what else to do. I don't really have the facilities to fence off anything else, and the 48 acres is not mine, I only lease it. Plus its expensive to fence and I don't need any more fencing for my horses or my sisters. What can I do or say to make this better?
 
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#2 ·
Better for who? You've done them a tremendous favor. Shame on them for being mad because their mare's behavior is forcing them to be responsible for their horses sooner than they like.

You are a good friend .. they'll get over it.
 
#3 ·
You probably can't make it better, they have overstayed their welcome and taken advantage of you and they know it. Now their horse has cause damage to your sister's horses and they are embarrassed and hostile because of it. Unless they take a step back and think about how long they've overstayed at your place and take responsibility for their bad manners, you're probably going to lose them as friends. Not your fault and I wouldn't feel bad about it, they should not have put you in this position. If you have the use of the 48 acres still, I'd toss their horses over there and let them figure out why they're escaping, not your problem.
 
#4 ·
Thanks for making me feel a little better........... I do still have the 48 acres, we fixed the fence where they were getting out. But that's the problem, I am using the 48 acres. That's were my niece's little horse was. We only have the 5 acres at the house and I can't keep all 9 horses on it, that's why I pay to lease land. So only two horses are over here and the others are out on the 48, including my friends horses AND two of my sister's........
 
#5 ·
The reason I feel so bad is that I love these friends, they are really wonderful people and are good to help when needed, they come when I call if I need anything, and we have been good to each other over the years. I feel terrible because I told them they could keep them here, and they don't have any fencing up. So now they are in a position where they are going to have to scramble to find something to do with their horses.

I hope this doesn't wreck our friendship. I do treasure my friends and those relationships are important to me. And for the most part (except the wounded horses) I have enjoyed them being here and spending time with them.
 
#6 ·
9 horses on 5 acres is an accident waiting to happen regardless of who's horse is doing the kicking. I am confused thought if the fence is fixed why not put them out as before since every one was ok then. If you are leasing the 48 acres I would think you would ask them to pay there fair share.
 
#9 ·
I think she has them out on the 48 acres. It was when the fence broke that they were brought up on the 5 acres that the 1st injury happened (to the show horse). Now she has 2 on the 5 acres (her horse and a the horse) and the rest on the 48. Despite having 48 acres her niece's horse got injured from an agressive horse.

At least that is the way I understood it. Maybe I'm wrong?

I agree with everyone else - your friends are using your generosity by taking advantage of free board. I think your first mistake in the beginning was not asking a boarding fee and then not setting a time limit for them to get their own fencing done. It doesn't excuse their greedy nature though. Over 6 months is plenty of time to have put up some sort of fence and if it wasn't - then they weren't ready for horses in the first place.
 
#7 ·
OOOOK, it sounded like they were all on the 5 acre parcel. For the time being, if you can, I'd make them the only 2 horses somewhere, either on the 48 or on your property, I'd get them away from yours and your sister's horses. I'd also send them a letter, certified mail, return receipt, that as of a certain date if the horses were not removed before this date that a/they could start paying board (make it HIGH to motivate them) and b/if board was not paid by such and such a date, I'd consider the horses abandoned and would then sell them to cover expenses for their care.

If it was me, I'd write them something along these lines:

Dear SoandSo:

As we discussed last year when you brought your horses to me for care, on Nov. 1, 2011 (or whatever the correct date really is), you were to build fencing on your property so that you could care for your horses properly on your own. I agreed to do this at no charge to assist you in being able to purchase the needed fencing materials, so that you could remove your horses from my property and to your property into your care, in a reasonable amount of time. At no time did we agree this boarding situation was to be permanent.

Since it is now July 2, 2012 and you still have not removed your horses, and they have caused damage to 2 of mine, I must now build fencing on MY property to house your horses. I will bill you for the costs of labor & materials upon completion of said fence. The professional estimates I am getting for this amount of fencing are: $XXXXX and you will need to pay upon completion of the project.

As of August 1, 2012 I will also need to be paid board for your horses, put their names and registration numbers here, in the amount of $XXX per horse for a total of $XXX per month, due and payable on the 1st of every month for the time they are remaining. I am enclosing a board contract which must be signed and returned with your first month's board payment or your horses must be removed from my property before the 1st of August, 2012.

If you choose not to pay board and leave the horses here after August 15, 2012, I will consider them abandoned and will sell them to recoup the costs of damages I have suffered since their arrival.

Sincerely,
XXXXXXXXX

That puts everything on a business footing, removes any personal issues from the transaction and reminds them, in a kind of nice way, that they are being deadbeats and you are not going to take it anymore.

I have a board contract that I wouldn't mind you using, as long as you took out all of my info and made it into yours. My contract automatically puts a lien on the horses if the board isn't paid and has a release of liability in it. You'd need to check TN for specifics required in the release, but the contract is pretty cut and dried and should be good. The whole idea is to get them to move their horses anyhow, NOT put you in the boarding business.
 
#8 ·
Ok, guess I need to clarify a little, sorry my post was confusing. At the 5 acres was my sister's show horse mare who needs to be kept up and is really too "hot" to turn out (plus I try to keep her nice for my sister) and my spotted saddle horse mare who is prone to founder (has slight founder that we watch closely) and she can't be out in all that grass. They happened to be out in the 5 acres when the other horses got loose.

In the 48 acres was all of the other horses. Actually, at the time there were 10 horses (my sister just recently took her show horse home, after she got hurt). Things seemed to be going fine. When the horses got OUT of the 48 acre pasture, my husband (who knows nothing about horses) didn't know what to do and put them all in the five acres. I would NEVER keep 9-10 horses on 5 acres, that's just looking for trouble.

I don't think I will have any trouble with getting them moved, when I talked to my friends they said they will move them right away and are going to figure out today where and how. They are usually good for their word too. I just know they are upset and I hate it badly......
 
#11 ·
Well, again, you should not be the one who's feeling bad. They've had free board and care for 2 horses for almost a year, that's a pretty darn good deal for them. Friends or no, I would NEVER have cared for those horses for free for more than 2 or 3 months, that is WAAAAAY over the bounds of friendship and into abusing the friendship, IMO.
 
#12 ·
Thanks for the support folks. It does make me feel some better and that I'm not being unreasonable. Hopefully we are good enough friends to get over this. I'm thinking I might be learning a lesson here. Sometimes maybe a good thing can backfire on you, no matter how you try.
 
#16 ·
I dont think there is anything you can do to make it easier/better. There horse injured to of yours (well.. you familys anyways), and the vet told you to remove dangorous horse from herd asap, there is not much you can do.

You are being very genorous in giving them free board! I havnt heard of many people doing so. I keep my horse at a friends, and even they charge me . My boyfriends family is planning to buy a farm in 2 years, and build a barn etc, and they told me i could keep my horse there but i need to pay for his food etc.

I know its hard, i recently went threw almost the same thing, my horse beat the crap out of another her, and then started chasing others around, trying to corner them, and kick them, for no apparent reason. he was immediatly moved to a feild on his own (i know you dont have the land for it), neither my horse, or I are overly fond of the new living arrangments, but he can still see and smell other horses over the fence, so for the time being, he's on his own. You godda do what you godda do. I dont like the arangments, but i also realize that, i cant risk him seriously hurting the horse again.

Your friends are moveing there horses soon, hopefully this wont affect your friendship. the best I can say is, call them after the horses are moved and make sure you keep contact. also explain to them that its not persinal against them, or there horses, but everyones safety has to be taken into consideration.

You could offer to let them talk to the vet themselves to if that would help
 
#18 ·
Bottom line: They took advantage of you and delayed putting the fence up. Horses got hurt because the herd doesn't go well together, and something needs to happen NOW before it gets worse.

Get it all down in writing, have them speak with your vet (make sure it's alright with the vet first) and keep it all business.
 
#19 ·
You sound like a very caring person and a wonderful friend; I hope things settle down with the situation soon. You mentioned that they are new to riding and horses in general. Is it a good idea for them to try and keep the horses themselves? Would a safer alternative be for them to board at a place where experienced horsepeople can keep an eye on things. I'm sure they mean well but realistically it never ends up well when there is a lack of knowlege. . .
 
#20 ·
They don't live very far from me and I won't leave them on their own. I'll be right here.

On a good note, they called last night and seemed to be ok, they said they are not mad and they understand. So hopefully all of this will end well. I was pretty worried yesterday, both about the situation and about losing a friendship. Thanks everyone for your support!
 
#22 ·
Have they made any progress on their fencing in the 6 months they had your horses at your place? If not, I wouldnt feel bad. You have every right to say that you need them to get their fencing up asap.

(as a side note, no matter how close a friend was to me, I would never keep my horses at their place and not pay anything).
 
#23 ·
If you are paying to lease property, and they are keeping their horses on it, it sounds like they are taking advantage of you. Maybe they haven't thought it through. I would have a heart to heart discussion. Putting 9 horses on 5 acres is asking for injuries. When they argue, they have nowhere to escape.
 
#24 ·
The nine horses on 5 acres was the result of loose horses, not the norm. I must have stated that poorly. All but two of the horses normally were on the 48 acres, not the 5 acres. My husband just put them there when they got loose and that's what caused the first incident.

And no, since they have been here they have not made any progress on their fencing!

I have asked them to move their horses but they keep telling me they can't find a place. So for right now I have used all of my round pen panels and one side of the small barn to build a corral and they are in there. They have shelter and a fan and a large corral but I have told my friends their time is VERY limited. If they are not moved within two weeks I guess I will have my attorney send them a letter...... Hate to do that but this is going nowhere, and now I have to feed their horses twice a day because they aren't here to do it usually. At least they are buying feed and are getting hay tomorrow.

So I'm a little frustrated right now. Love my friends but they just don't seem to want to take this too seriously.
 
#25 ·
You are being played the fool. It doesn't take 9 months to fence off a few acres. You are enabling them to shirk their responsibilities. As for salvaging the friendship, it was done for a long time ago, you just didn't see that. A true friend wouldn't take advantage of a kindness. Give them a date for their horses to be gone, two weeks, no more. It's amazing the peace of mind you will have once they are gone. Don't buy into their stories and stop trying to help them. Your concerns should be with your own family and your horses.
 
#26 ·
It is likely you are right, even though they do help me from time to time it is not nearly enough to warrant complete boarding. So today I sent them a boarding agreement requiring monthly payment, which will take effect August 1, 2012. Or they have until then to move their horses. We shall see what happens.
 
#27 ·
Did you send it certified, return receipt? If not, follow up and send it that way. That way you have proof they've been notified of your intent to charge board if they don't move. Then if they don't pay, you have legal grounds all covered for when you have to file a lien and go to court.

From now on, nothing over the phone or in e-mail, write it out and send it certifed, return receipt.
 
#30 ·
I think it's kind of funny how everyone keeps saying 9 horses on 5 acres is an accident waiting to happen. Not because it's not true, just because we have 9 horses on 1 acre and have only seen 2 injuries in 5 years due to horses getting kicked, or anything else for that matter. Maybe we're just lucky.

It's a shame this happened, but it sounds like they are taking responsibility, so that's good. My horse got kicked and it cut open her back leg. Took at least 2 weeks of doctoring. When my horse did the same thing to another horse, I took it upon myself to buy supplies needed and doctor it whenever I was there.
 
#31 ·
Thanks Dreamcatcher. I think that this boarding agreement will turn the tide and make them take it seriously. I will be charging pretty much the standard rate for the boarding facilities around here, some of which have nicer places than I do (I'm not set up for boarding and don't really want to do it).

I think that why they haven't been serious about things is the fact that everything was free. My time and knowledge to run around and help them find the horses, my time and knowledge to teach them how to care for the horses, riding lessons, use of horse trailers, board and pasture, stall cleaning, feeding and watering, teaching how to tack up, tack storage, etc. etc. I don't regret at all helping them, I like to help people. But when I say enough I do want to be taken seriously.

Again everyone, thanks for your support! I hope this all turns out well and we can maintain a friendship, but after considering what everyone says, I think I get it!
 
#33 ·
I guess even if they were together on 5 acres it might work for some groups of horses.
(I am one of the ones that didn't read that ......... )

My horses are too aggressive for that. When I put them (7 of them) in a smaller area, they chase each other constantly. I suppose they would work it out if they had to.
 
#34 ·
I will throw this in there. The above is exactly why I caution anyone about trying to help friends out for free especially.

And I also imagine that they will have fine time with aggressive horse when they have to deal with it.

In every instance that I know of though, most of the time this same type of thing has happened.

Just glad you are getting it worked out and.....

Don't do this again! Sorry, couldn't resist.
 
#35 ·
Just glad you are getting it worked out and.....

Don't do this again! Sorry, couldn't resist.
Oh hopefully I've learned my lesson. You can't do free things for people, then they always just expect more and more, I guess.

And yes, they got the boarding agreement. And yes, now they are really upset with me. Got the list of how many things they have done for me, etc. etc. I've tried to respond kindly without getting angry myself, but I'm sticking to my guns. Explained my position on everything the best I can, now will pray about it and leave it in God's hands.

Part of what was e-mailed back to me is that I should have come and talked to them about being overwhelmed and they would have "helped" me. Well, the help I need is for them to take responsibility for their horses and move them, not "help" me. Even though it is more work, the bigger issue is having to many horses behind my house. Now their horses are in a small corral and using half out the outside stalls, so I can't separate mine at feeding time, and they don't eat the same thing or same amounts. So I have to bring my two in to feed them, then go back out and let them out.

I can't keep their horses penned up in a small area all the time, so they have to be turned out too sometimes. Which means I have to put my two up (I only keep two here behind the house) in order to let theirs out. Which means more stall cleaning and more bedding. Aw heck, its just more work and aggravation and I am tired. I work over an hour away from home, so two hours on the road every day, roughly 9-10 hours at work each day, I don't look for extra work after that, LOL!

Thanks for letting me vent!
 
#36 ·
wow! I just read the whole thread..OP you have a heart of gold. You should not have needed to ask for your "friend's" help..they should have been tripping over themselves to help. I will give them a little slack since they had no clue what the actual work load was..but that is being generous. I agree with the other posters completely that you were being taken advantage of. Stick to your guns..don't let them appeal to that golden heart of yours...you deserve better !
 
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