Letter to Stallion owner... - Page 3
   

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Letter to Stallion owner...

This is a discussion on Letter to Stallion owner... within the Horse Breeding forums, part of the Horse Breeds, Breeding, and Genetics category

     
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        05-04-2010, 11:06 AM
      #21
    Started
    I think I would skip out on the word unregistered all together to be honest and make your mare seem like more of a treasure by adding in a little more detailed, vague context...

    "Dear Mr. And Mrs.,

    I was searching for a proven Welsh stallion when I came across your stud, Rosmel's Scarlet Legacy. I have an Icelandic cross mare, whom I am currently working on registering, that I would like to breed for a 2012 foal. She is a very versatile mare currently working as a ranch horse as well as showing in hunter/jumper this summer.

    While looking through your website, I saw the pictures of your breeding facilities which I found both beautiful and very impressive. However, there was some information that I could not find and was hoping you could help me with. I would just like to know more about your breeding business, how you cover mares, and your policies on outside mares.

    Thank you,
    [My name]"


    Changes I made and why:

    Hello -> Dear Mr/Mrs = We all already discussed the more professional tone to this one.

    Unregistered -> Using the word cross is already going to be concerning enough for more breeders, throwing in the actual word unregistered is a red flag and not advised.

    2011 breeding/2012 foal -> You want to sound professional. They are already aware of the time it takes to make a foal and that a 2012 foal would have to be bred in 2011 so this is not something that really needs to be stated twice. Go with either a 2011 breeding or wanting a 2012 foal... not both.

    Versatile -> one of those key words that breeders LIKE to see.

    Browing -> looking = browsing leads me to believe you barely checked the website and are not serious. Looking/reading makes it look more serious overall.

    Hope this helps!
         
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        05-04-2010, 03:20 PM
      #22
    Green Broke
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Pidge    
    One more thing...I read above that you are looking for a way to registar your mare....I would add that... like your not just wanting to breed a completely unregistared mare...makes you sound as though you have more plans in store for her and thus for the foal.

    It might also make you look like a better prospect if the stud owner isnt sure on grade mares.

    I would add it in like this(I bolded the edit):

    I was searching for a proven Wlesh stallion, when I came across your stud, Rosmel's Scarlet Legacy. I have an unregistered Icelandic cross mare, that I would like to breed in 2011 for a 2012 foal date. She currently works as a ranch horse but will be showing in local hunter shows this summer, and I am currently working on finding a registry for her.

    A nice simple addition that makes you look better over all...just my personal thought...
    I will add this to the edit below! Thank you!


    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Poco1220    
    I think I would skip out on the word unregistered all together to be honest and make your mare seem like more of a treasure by adding in a little more detailed, vague context...

    "Dear Mr. And Mrs.,

    I was searching for a proven Welsh stallion when I came across your stud, Rosmel's Scarlet Legacy. I have an Icelandic cross mare, whom I am currently working on registering, that I would like to breed for a 2012 foal. She is a very versatile mare currently working as a ranch horse as well as showing in hunter/jumper this summer.

    While looking through your website, I saw the pictures of your breeding facilities which I found both beautiful and very impressive. However, there was some information that I could not find and was hoping you could help me with. I would just like to know more about your breeding business, how you cover mares, and your policies on outside mares.

    Thank you,
    [My name]"


    Changes I made and why:

    Hello -> Dear Mr/Mrs = We all already discussed the more professional tone to this one.

    Unregistered -> Using the word cross is already going to be concerning enough for more breeders, throwing in the actual word unregistered is a red flag and not advised.

    2011 breeding/2012 foal -> You want to sound professional. They are already aware of the time it takes to make a foal and that a 2012 foal would have to be bred in 2011 so this is not something that really needs to be stated twice. Go with either a 2011 breeding or wanting a 2012 foal... not both.

    Versatile -> one of those key words that breeders LIKE to see.

    Browing -> looking = browsing leads me to believe you barely checked the website and are not serious. Looking/reading makes it look more serious overall.

    Hope this helps!
    Whoa, thank you thank you thank you!!!!! I thought of using the word "versatile", lol. Is it okay if I also add the edit my Pidge to yours and send it out?
    :) Thank you everyone! I'm hoping everything goes alright with my goat business so I have the money for this in 2011! :)
         
        05-04-2010, 04:07 PM
      #23
    Started
    Absolutely, we're all here to help.
         
        05-04-2010, 04:17 PM
      #24
    Green Broke
    Again, thank you. :)
         
        05-05-2010, 09:35 AM
      #25
    Weanling
    Add me as another one who saw the word "astonished" and thought the place must be a horrific and scary dump!

    "Impressed" is FAR better ...
         
        06-03-2010, 02:01 PM
      #26
    Green Broke
    Is there any update on this????
         

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