First off... HAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHA APHA Momma, your post cracked me up.... Oooh I love you.
OKAY secondly, this is going to sound very weird, and maybe perverted... BUT
A friend of my friend's trainer perscribed THIS for thick, dried mane and tails...
I didn't believe it, but... Works like charm. It HAS to be KY brand though! Not equate! Doesn't work the same!!!! You should have seen the looks I got pulling a tube of lubricant from my purse at the barn... I guess it wasn't THAT strange. They probably just thought it was sheath cleaning day or something.
It works, I promise or your money back! Lol.
Put some in your hands and rub it into your horses tail like soap. Let it sit and rinse it out. Your tail will be really shiny and tangle-less... Trust me.
"I was eight years old, and I've never forgotten her face when she told me about watching you ride. She told me she saw you, and your horse was dancing in the moonlight."
-- A.C. Crispin's "Sylvester"