I don't even know what to feel anymore. Devestated? Horrified? Exhausted? Angry? Frustrated? Maybe all of them...all at once. I just...I don't get it. WHY does this have to happen? Especially to Kenzie..of all horse. I don't understand.
I'm sure you want to know what I'm blabbering on about. I want to know too. How do you explain this?!
I came out yesterday and found her like this...with her ear literally torn in two. Only about 1/2 an inch of skin is holding it on, covered in grime, flies all over it, and a huge knot on the ear. Its hard to tell, but from above you can clearly see that the tendon or whatever is severed, as is all of the muscle- with only tissue holding it together.
I'm usually strong with this kind of thing. I stood through Peppin detaching his eye, Xcia being found with gashes from a bobcat fight, and Gorilla bleeding from the eyes after being kicked in the head. But I don't know...after all that Kenzie has been through, after all of her progress...coming out and seeing her like this just broke my heart.
I immediately called for the vet and texted him pictures, and I was horrified when his answer was " no reason to come out, that can't be fixed. Wash it and let it heal on its own. " What kind of answer is that? I called another vet. Same answer. Another vet, 'just put her down if she has that many problems.' I called SIX VETS as far out as 3 hours away trying to get them to come out, and not a single one would. I was furious. Even if it can't be stitched, she needed help. I needed help. She's a 400 lb baby with minimal handling and a torn ear. What could I do?
It took me 16 calls to finally push one vet (that I honestly don't like) into coming out and making an emergency call on, God forbid, good Friday- but it was already 4 hours after I found her. Just as I suspected, even if it had been stitchable at first, after 4 hours of waiting and however long it took for me to find her, it was too late. She was so terrified and hurting so badly that we had to tranq her to even look at it, and it was NASTY. The vet was able to put a few stitches in the muscles and stuff to hold it together, but everything else was already dying. She thinks part of the ear will fall off, because it has lost its blood supply. And theres nothing we can do about it. She's almost guarenteed to have lost all of her hearing in that ear, and it appears that she can't and won't ever be able to move it again.
Whats worse? Its a completely clean slice, like someone used a razor to do it. As soon as I realized that I started looking around for evidence, and found a piece of paper in her feed bucket with the word 'your warning' written in red on it. This was ON PURPOSE, and I don't know why. I obviously called the police but without anything else, they have nothing to go on. We're going to install security cameras on her fence....which we can't afford...but that change what happened.
I am devestated. She was making so much progress... both physically any mentally. But now its all for naught. No one is going to want a horse with a lop ear, if we even can keep the infection out of it. I can't afford to buy or keep her. BO can't afford to keep spending money like this. The rescue is pretty much done with her. She's terrified of me again. It took me over an hour to get close to her this morning to look at her ear, and she tried to kick me twice. WHY? Why would someone do this to her? I've lost hope. I'm exhausted. I don't know what to do. But I have to do something, don't I? She has nothing without me. But I've begun to question...if its even fair to make her go through all of this. If its even worth it. How do you know when a horse is done? When it just doesn't care anymore? How do you know when its not just your petty human emotions that are forcing them to go on?
It looks a little better today in terms of cleanliness, but the vet only gave her a shot of antibiotics and cleaned up some of the blood. I don't know how to wrap it, what to put on it to keep the flies away, whether or not to clean it... and she won't even let me near her, much less near her ear. Add to that that the BO is really wary about me even touching her because she's gone crazy with fear, and I just don't know what to do. It took me 1 1/2 hours to get her caught and tied to look at her ear today, and I really didn't get anything accomplished. Its like everything we worked for has just...left.
I don't even know what to do now.