WOW...that was REALLY painful!

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WOW...that was REALLY painful!

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  • "my golden prince" palomino

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    07-11-2011, 02:31 PM
Unhappy WOW...that was REALLY painful!

This morning I decided to sit down and make a video for our horse that passed on 2 years ago.

His story:

This is My Golden Prince. When we got him he was 22 yrs. Old, arthritic, blind in one eye and had suffered years of abuse and neglect. We wanted to make his last years happy and peaceful....instead we only had a month. He fell ill about a month after we got him.....vets could not come up with a diagnosis. After agonizing months of trying different meds and seeing improvement, only to have him worsen a short time later....the time came when there was no short periods of improvement....only rapid decline. Barely able to stand, and having difficulty breathing....we made the awful decision to have him put down. That was 2 yrs. Ago.....time is slow to heal some wounds I suppose because it sure does still hurt.

Peace be to your spirit where it has gone, old friend.

************************************************** ********

I was NOT prepared for the overwhelming grief that looking at these pics and videos caused.

I should be better by now....but I am not.

I feel like we could have done more to try to help son rode him for years in his lessons. Once he became too old to keep up the school horse pace, we adopted him. We expected to share the few remaining years of his life with him....but God only gave us a month. He became ill literally overnight with what looked like EPM...but the test was neg.

Two vet clinics worked on him....but could not give a diagnosis. 4 months after this all began....he was put down.

I wish his life had not ended this way.

I wish we could have done more.

I wish we had had more time with him....

If it ever seems as if we pamper and cherish our two horses, we do. We hug them, spend time with them, fret over their health, kiss them, and love them more than our own lives.....all the things we wish we had time to do with Prince.

He is gone, but he is not forgotten....

This video was to be a tribute to him....

It turned into a painful journey into the past.
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    07-11-2011, 02:40 PM
Grief has no timetable, Beau.

It'll be 4 years this month since I laid my heart horse to rest, and sometimes it still hurts as if I've just lost him.

I'm sorry you only had a short time you called him your own, but you knew and loved him for years so I completely understand the pain.

It's never easy to lose one, and it's especially hard when you lose them because of an illness you can't cure.
    07-11-2011, 02:50 PM
Thank you for the kind words.....But I feel like we let him down, SR.

That's what keeps the pain so sharp, so overwhelming...

Maybe if we'd trailered him to New Bolton, they could have helped him....

I considered it, but he couldn't stand very well, and was a danger to the humans around him. Every time we went near him, we risked our lives....

He couldn't have withstood the long trailer ride.....

My mind knows this, my heart says we didn't try hard enough.
    07-11-2011, 02:57 PM
Logic never enters into it when we feel as if we've let them down.

You know in your head that he wouldn't have been able to take the ride to New Bolton. Even though you acknowledge that, you can't help but feel as if you didn't do enough.

I have guilt over my boy, too. I knew he wasn't going to get better and that euthing him was the kindest option, but I feel as if I could have done more, even if I don't know what it was.

I think even in a clear cut case, we're going to have some guilt and 'what ifs'. It's just our nature, especially as women, because we have that maternal drive to take care of things and make it all better.
    07-11-2011, 03:05 PM
Originally Posted by Speed Racer    

I have guilt over my boy, too. I knew he wasn't going to get better and that euthing him was the kindest option, but I feel as if I could have done more, even if I don't know what it was.


Really? So second guessing yourself and feeling regret are normal?

Well, it does help to know that others go through the same things...

I worried I was just weird....

BTW, remember that fight we had about the double dosing wormer? Alot of times I do come off as a know it all wannabe...... I would like to THINK I know it all....about equines, anyhow... because maybe if I had been a know it all....I could have helped Prince.

So, I am not a lunatic. Lol.

Just someone ridden with guilt and what ifs..... and someone doing a right fine job of overcompensating with her two current horses
    07-11-2011, 03:15 PM
Well, you have horses so you're a little weird. But you're normal-weird like the rest of us horse folks!

Yes, feeling guilty and thinking of the 'what ifs' is normal. Just don't let them overwhelm you.

As someone told me after I lost my boy, 'Don't beat yourself up over what happened. Conny knows you did everything you could, and you let him go when you knew he wasn't going to get better. HE doesn't blame you for anything, and it would distress him to know you're upset. It's okay to grieve and miss him, but it's not okay to blame yourself forever for his death.'

The problem is that logically (there's that word again) we know going in that our animals have shorter lives than us, and 99.99% of the time we're going to have to play God and make a decision to let them go. In our hearts, they're just never supposed to die.
    07-11-2011, 09:36 PM
SR, that was very insightful!

You should be a psychiatrist!!

Oftentimes I think I need one!!
    07-11-2011, 09:48 PM
Thanks, but I just know best what I've personally experienced.

You do have a psychiatrist, remember? You have horses!

When Conny died I gave some serious thought to getting out of horses completely, because I was devastated to the point of not even knowing who I was without him. I had him for 21 years. Some people aren't even married that long!

Once I got past the first, blackest, most deep part of my grief, I realized I'd be less sane if I didn't have horses in my life.

So it was a matter of laying out money, I just had to determine for what. Some shrink's BMW payment, or horses. Horses won.
    07-11-2011, 10:16 PM
Originally Posted by Speed Racer    
when Conny died I gave some serious thought to getting out of horses completely,

Oh my gosh, EXACTLY!!! I vowed I would NEVER get another horse and set myself up for that kind of pain again....and look at me now!! TWO!

And the weirdest thing happened...Beauseant! He is my "medicine horse", my "totem animal" important to me as my own family. And that is scary....cause if I ever lost him......

Oh no, I hear Garth Brooks' "the Dance" playing in my head....

Seriously, thanks for the words of wisdom, SR.... they really do help since they are coming from someone whose been there.
    07-11-2011, 10:40 PM
Green Broke
Very much agreed with SR, in that the guilt and second guessing yourself is normal.

When we made the decision to put TJ to sleep I knew (and still do) in my heart that it was the right choice. He was in a heck of a lot of pain and it was only going to get worse.

Knowing that doesn't stop me from having the "what if" thoughts. What if the vet was wrong? What if another vet could have fixed him? What if we made the decision too soon?

But as is often said, better a week too soon than a moment too late. I could have never forgiven myself if we had have held on for the sake of our own hearts only to have him suffer further.

Loving a horse, or any animal for that matter, as a member of the family means that when we lose them we will never forget them. There will always be a sadness when they are gone. Whether it is months or years down the track, our lives are less without them. There is a wonderful quote somewhere though that sums everything up.

When we think of those companions who traveled by our side down life's road, let us not say with sadness that they left us behind, but rather say with gentle gratitude that they once were with us.

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