One of my favorite songwriters died on the same day as my horse. Here is a link to a song you might want to hear while reading:
Three years ago I lost a very special horse. The circumstances were very unpleasant and I don't want to go into it too much. In May of that year he was poisoned. I to tried nursed him back to health during that summer with the help of the vet and I thought we had turned a corner but in October I was forced to put him down. Enough of that.
Atlantys and his brother were given to me. Their previous owner had died and they were out of a home. It was a right place right time scenario. They were OTTB both over 17HH. They were my first horses. They hadn't been ridden since they were off the track and they had been sitting for four years as pasture pets. Both were sound and amazing horses. Atlantys and I really clicked while the other horse Aesc took to my fiance (our first dates were trail rides with these horses- and some of my favorite memories). I turned them both into amazing trail horses. I took them on 5-6 hour rides and he was amazing.
After I lost Atlantys I was unable to face Aesc. I would break down in tears horrible anxiety. I take good care of my animals but I couldn't protect them from the malicious actions of other people. Now not only had I lost Atlantys but Aesc had also lost his full brother they had never been apart. His pain was palpable. I couldn't stand the thought that Aesc would get hurt too. I decided to find him a better home where he would be with other horses and get an owner who could feed him without sobbing and where I knew he would be safe. He is now a hunter jumper and has a great home with a wonderful owner.
It was one of the hardest experiences of my life and I can't say it made me a better person. I am more anxious, I worry like I never did before, I am almost all ways scared to look into the pasture when I get there every day because of what I might see. But I am working on it and finally was able to muster up the courage and health to get back into horses full time. I became very closed off not only to horses but to people, I still don't understand how someone could do this to me and to my horse. It took me three years to get over this, but I still don't know if I really am. I didn't ride for a year after I lost Atlantys and I didn't buy another horse until this year. Having another horse to care for has been very healing.
I'm sorry Atlantys I did everything I could to save you. I hope I didn't prolong your suffering and you weren't in too much pain. I regret not letting you go sooner, please forgive me. I think about you every day, I miss you and I grieve the rides we never got to have.
I'm sorry Aesc. I know you needed me to help you and you were grieving too. I am sorry I wasn't strong enough to be there for you. Please forgive me. I hope you are happy and healthy and well cared for. I miss you, happy trails.
Aesc on the right and Atlantys on the left:
Me and Aesc (goofing off):