Here's what happened, again.
Y filly was colicking (sp?) and it took 3 hours or maybe it was two and a half, I don't know for sure, for the vet to get here. Anyway, she's only two, and she and I had this bond. Like, we just... Clicked. From the moment I first saw her. She'd never been handled before and she came right up to me and let me pet her. And when she was colicking, and her legs would give out from the pain, and I cried and begged her to get back up, she would, just because I asked. If I didn't ask her to, she would lay there. Poor baby. Anyway, her gut was twisted and I had to make the hardest decision of my life. I told the vet to put her down, and my dad wanted to keep trying, but she couldn't breathe anymore and I was just screaming at the vet to hurry and give her the shot before she suffocated and it was effing awful. I'm crying just typing this. And then she fell and she kept putting her head in my lap and just smelling me. GOD. And I was bawling and I kept hugging her until she was gone, but then her body just kept... Like, I don't know, twitching or something. But for some reason it didn't even bother me, because as soon as she was gone I just felt... I don't know, Like so calm. And peaceful. But as soon as I went inside it was gone, and I couldn't sleep at all last night for crying. SHE WAS ONLY TWO! WHY?!?! She was so great..... And then my dad was worried that she might have eaten something that all the other horses might get, so he wanted to do like an autotopsy, and so he and the vet cut her open, I guess. I didn't watch. But I did tell him it was fine, because I don't want to loose any of the others. But still, just imagining that... It makes me shudder. And I cut off some of her mane, but every time I look at it, I just start bawling. She suffered the whole time it took the vet to get there, but she just kept walking with me. ****. Why???
Anyway, I could probably just use some coping tips or something right now. I can't even think about it or I cry. So during the day I have to face the world, so I just ball up all the grief to deal with later, when I'm alone. And I feel like it should feel so wrong, but I am already setting up a time to go look at fillies, because I feel like.... I dunno, like there's this void that I have to fill before it consumes me or something. I think another filly would help that, but is that way wrong to do after just losing Flair? I don't even feel guilty, but it's just so soon. Like maybe I should feel guilty? I don't know.
And... I really should go to bed, I barely slept last night at all and I think I've gone about 27 hours without any considerable sleep... but I know if I go to bed I'll just dream about it. AGAIN. And again. That's what happened last night and I woke up crying... so I just... You know, you can fight the sleep, but not the dream. It's like I'm reliving it. Over. And over. And over. When she fell for the last time, and I was just crying, and she just looked at me like "i love you mom" and then she quit breathing and I just keep seeing that in my dreams, nightmares actually, again and again. I'm hoping that if I just stay awake longer and longer eventually I'll be so tired I don't dream at all.
I'm going to add pictures sometime, but it's just too painful right now. I went to the barn today and just started bawling. I glanced at where I found her lying down and trying to roll and I cried harder. I saw her halter hanging on a hook and I broke down and rolled up in a ball and cried and cried until I literally made myself sick, then I threw up and cried some more until I ran out of tears. God, there's just this... This VOID. This empty place where she used to be in my heart and now it's just black and empty. Like part of me died with her and I'll never be the same and I just... Don't know if I will be able to go back to training, and having those dreams again. I just can't find the... Want to. The desire I used to have. I hope it comes back. I really do. I want it, miss it. But when I try to let myself feel, all I do is end up crying. And so I take the pain and ball it up and shove it back, deep down and back, to where I can keep it under control to face the day until I'm alone again, and then I can let it out.
Sorry, just really feel like I need to vent. Thanks for reading.