My essay on Horse Slaughter - Page 3 - The Horse Forum
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post #21 of 100 Old 03-06-2012, 11:59 PM
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you know this was going to bring out the hate so hang on it will settle down soon- nice assay I believe the breeders could stop and the horse value would go up like cars and gas less the price is more

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post #22 of 100 Old 03-07-2012, 12:01 AM Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by Cherie View Post
Ask the sources that I listed -- like practicing Veterinarians. They see neglect and abuse and starving horses nearly every day. Ask THEM if there is more since American slaughter plants closed. They are the ones that get called in to kill the starved ones that can't survive when the Sheriff has them turned in to him. The neglect and abuse started more than a year before the economy melted down. It corresponded exactly with the loss of value in the horse market where the 'killer price' is the 'set in' price that every horse is worth.

Then, answer me one thing that I have asked in every one of these debates and have not gotten ONE answer!

If there were no slaughter plants (now in Mexico and Canada) where do you think all of the unwanted horses will go?

When there was full employment, a very high horse market for every kind of horse, a $900.00 'fat horse' killer market, there were still 100,000 unwanted horses a year. Where do you think they will go? The rescues are all underfunded and over-full. The number of unwanted horses would soon reach over 1,000,000 with horses living out for 25 - 30 years. If the distant plants closed tomorrow, where would all of these horses go? You cannot wave a magic want and make them disappear.
Since the amount of American horses that were slaughtered back when the U.S. had slaughter, compared to now, the same amount of American horses are still being slaughtered in Mexico & Canada. So, I do not believe that slaughtering has a huge impact on the horse population.

Many more horses are being bred than are being slaughtered. I think the only solution is to stop breeding. Not all together, because without some breeders we would not have any horses. This also wouldn't help the unwanted horses of today, but would lessen the amount in the future. However, there is too much breeding going on, and there is no way to regulate or stop people from breeding horses.
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post #23 of 100 Old 03-07-2012, 12:12 AM
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I am not sure if your reason for sharing the essay was to see if you had enough of an argument to persuade others to agree, or was it to have readers give their evaluation of the essay as a piece of expository writing, in which case the grammar, punctuaion and logical outline and progression of your argument is more important than the "truth" of it in a objective sense.

If you want the latter, I can say that you might want to reread the essay from the point of view of someone who has no knowledge of this subject matter. Thus, set up the situation a bit more clearly, (why people breed knowing that many will end up discarded. Because, people would not do this if it wasnt' profitable in some way.)
Then, you might describe the crisis , so to speak, with numbers of horse abandoned, and in shelters, so that the severity of the problem is explained.

Then, list the solutions considered and why you feel that slaughter is NOT the best solution. Make your paragraphs shorter and more "punchy". There are a few grammatical errors that I can find if I wade through the large blocks of text, and I can do that if you like.

Expository writing is hard, and usually requires multiple drafts, wherein you rearrange and reduce waste to fine tune the final product.

I wish the best of luck and commend your courage for taking and standing for your beliefs.

Last edited by tinyliny; 03-07-2012 at 12:13 AM. Reason: spelling errors
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post #24 of 100 Old 03-07-2012, 12:31 AM
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I'm not going to comment on the subject, but the technical aspect of the writing needs a lot of improvement. You did say you are a college student, right?

The content appears to be quotes taken right off the various sites without any real research done by the writer, just regurgitating the paragraphs found on the web. Not good research, nor good critical thinking skills.

I don't mind that you're expressing your own opinion on the subject, but if you want to persuade ME give me something more than I can find by going to the extremist web sites on my own. Boil it down, give some thought and solutions to the various problems and objections. If you are trying to persuade me to your point of view you're not going to get far with that paper. Keep on working on it, it will take shape.
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post #25 of 100 Old 03-07-2012, 02:01 AM
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If you want the latter, I can say that you might want to reread the essay from the point of view of someone who has no knowledge of this subject matter.[/QUOTE]

this is me. Whilst we have debates in the UK about our views on the meat market, it is a materially different debate to that which you have in the US. I therefore read this with interest, and a very open and uninformed mind.

Firstly the easily made and easily correctable mistakes - Spelling mistakes, poor grammar, and the use of abbreviations without explanations. I suggest you re-read for these.

The opening was fairly clear, and I followed your flow of information. Then as I read down I started to feel that I was reading a series of 'copy and pasted' arguments and facts from other information sources; the style and grammar changes making it a less 'readable' essay.

Finally, even as an uneducated outsider I did start to feel a trifle suspicious of the bold claims you make about the poor quality of the transport vehicles and the inadaquacies of the methods of destruction. I wanted you to explain to me how you know these facts but you expected me to accept them all without question.

One other thing - but this may be a US UK language thing: not until the point that you describe methods of slaughter was I completely sure what the debate was about. To me "slaughter" means killing by any method for any purpose, but I think your definition of slaughter for this essay is killing for use in the meat industry. Is that a language thing, or will non-horse owners also suffer from this confusion of meaning?

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post #26 of 100 Old 03-07-2012, 01:54 PM
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HSUS is totally tied in with PETA... They do not have ONE shelter in the US, nor do they support any type of humane societies or rescues. ALL their money they get from donations work against owning animals and with PETA.. Also their salaries.
Their agenda is just whats PETA's is, nobody anywhere owning animals of any kind for any reason.
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post #27 of 100 Old 03-07-2012, 02:24 PM
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Crimson, although I don't agree with your contention, you are free to argue to me that the sky is purple if you wish. If your argument is good enough you will force me to seriously address the issue of the sky being purple and to question my long held beliefs of it being blue. This essay isn't quite there yet.

Tips for writing a persuasive essay, that is, one that will bring those of opposite viewpoints to your side of the fence:

1.) Make it enjoyable to read with correct puncuation and succinct, powerful sentences. Rule of thumb: Extraneous words that can be removed from sentences without changing the meaning SHOULD be removed. Unrelated example: 'I got off of the table' should be changed to 'I got off the table'.

2.) When you make statements that are purported to be fact, you MUST support with appropriate referencing. Just one example (of many candidates in your essay) would be to provide evidence of the serious and lethal effects that Bute has in humans. Not saying you aren't right about that point, just highlighting that a big statement like that needs to be backed up with evidence.

3.) One of the most important parts of persuasive writing is providing alternative solutions. Be careful not to offer a solution that is unclear, or ineffective. You have mentioned that reducing breeding would reduce the horse population. Well, it wouldn't. Reducing breeding today might reduce the future population but it will do nothing for the current situation. You need another alternative solution for your anti-slaughter contention to hold any water.

4.) Again with the solution - having the idea is a good start. Developing it is the key. How would you implement the solution? What would the cost be? How long would it take to implement? How effective would it be in your estimation?

May I ask what level of education this piece is for? If it is high school then it is a good start but will need more fine tuning. If it is for University you have a lot of work to do. Good luck!

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Last edited by sarahver; 03-07-2012 at 02:29 PM.
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post #28 of 100 Old 03-07-2012, 04:21 PM
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Keep in mind that kevinshorses and Cherie are not trying to turn this into a "pro/anti slaughter" debate. They're pointing out the factual inconsistencies with your paper. It's fine to have an opinion, but I would be more clear about the fact that it is JUST your opinion as opposed to trying to make what you've written sound like fact when most of it isn't. You can't quote singular research and then tout it as fact, there's a reason why there are multiple studies from both sides of the fence.

It's much like human nutrition. A lot of people don't realize that 90% of the information on nutrition is ONLY theory. We know very little in the terms of facts when it comes to things like fat, cholesterol and grains and yet people tout biased research studies as fact. It's a dangerous thing when you can convince most of a population of something when none of it is based on factual evidence.

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post #29 of 100 Old 03-07-2012, 04:34 PM
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If you didn't do the research on Bute etc. yourself through scientific studies, you need to have in-text citations to back it up with. I don't know what format your writing is supposed to be in (MLA, APA, etc.), but follow the guidelines for that particular format.

It definitely needs some fine-tuning. Try to merge a few sentences, replace a few words, and check all of your grammar. A lot of the sentences seem stilted and rough.

The biggest thing that got me, however, was that I had no idea where your article was going to go until well into reading. From the start, you need to have an argument set up to tell readers exactly what you're going to be writing about. At first, I thought it was a pro-essay paper.

Good luck!
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post #30 of 100 Old 03-07-2012, 09:03 PM
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I wouldnt say so much their agenda's..Its the agenda's of the people who witness crimes etc.

Ive been a supporter of HSUS and local shelters. Any time I do donate I do my research.. Fact HSUS do donates and its only 2% a very small amount but they do. Matter fact I worked with a rescue in Arkansas that was dogged by a pro slaughter organization that has capitalized off many organizations that help animals in order to profit and lie to the public. One such is HumaneWatch an Organization that exposed the 2% donation from HSUS. Any how during my visit with this rescue I informed them of this Organization targeting him.. He showed me a check that came from HSUS for comp of the cost he had endured because of the rescues efforts. That check was in the amount of $5,000. HSUS is our MOST powerful lobbying machine in congress similar to the NRA protecting your rights to own a gun.. So if you dog HSUS then also dog the NRA.
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