Evil horse of doom---I appreciate your candor and that does not sound weird at all. It sounds normal to me lol. I wish you the best of luck. It sounds like you have come a long way on our own. Do you have any support?
OP, I wish you all the best in your endeavours to ride without dutch courage - I'm the same when it comes to social situations (which I find far more scary than riding a crazy horse!). Just remember, baby steps. When you have an anxious thought, try stepping "out" of yourself and analyse the thought rationally - that's what my therapist told me and it really helped. Reward every little achievement you have, talk to yourself while you're going about it to remain calm (might make you look crazy but it's actually really good at settling nerves).
Also, try singing something while you ride - something long and slow and balladic is best, where you have to concentrate on the lyrics and remember the next verse.
Good luck! And please, if you wish to, share your journey with us!