I'm actually fairly fairly shocked at the responses. Thanks a LOT.
Rule of Reason--I'm big on education, and anything I fall in love with I read to death. I'm the type of person that has books and books and books and knows in the literary way how to do things, and I'll definetely take that suggestion and to look that up.
I've been working a lot on exercising. My body is odd, and I've been discovering how to exercise effectively. I can't run, running is /very/ bad for me. Due to foot pain caused by plastic hurting my soles I stopped wearing my braces (which I can't ride with, I just can't), but having them for years I think has effectively adjusted the way I walk. I've been working on my calves and stretching--I almost had to have surgery to help my foot go up because I can lay my feet flat when I lay on my back. I've been able to do pushups with a ball because I can't hold myself up with just my toes, and I've learned lots of non-impact exercises like biking and using an elliptical for exercising. I'm also trying to do swimming, since summer's coming up.
I do agree the problem is the horse, but the problem's also with me. When I first started any little movement freaked me out. I'm very comfortable with him on the ground. I understand how he is, and I do agree that the grooming/tacking moments are very important for your connection. My problem is that I've seen the potential with him, and my fear isn't necessarily cantering or trotting, it's the fact that I don't know if he's going to do a controlled canter or trot, or if he's goiing to do what he loves to do, and that's run as fast as he can. I was moved to him because of my leg problems, and I was put on an older horse who was recovering from some abuse, and with my legs at that time I really couldn't kick well, and I needed a horse that was more responsive to kissing and less to just kicking. I kicked her for hours just to get her to trot, and she wouldn't. Buddy's good with kissing and he's good with trotting, my problem is just the control factor. I just fear losing control. I've hit concrete, and to tell the truth, that wasn't half as bad as I thought it would be. But recently I've lost control with him cantering and I've gained control back, and every time I do that I get a little more confidence. He's very sensitive, and I've learned that me calming down and doing things a bit more relaxed has indeed helped him gain control.
I am looking for a horse to buy, and these horses are her lesson horses, and they're like people. All of them have their personalities. The horse that I'm going to be moving up to has more problems with staying still, and walking, but he's very gaited, and she thinks he'd be good for me. Buddy's actually very rough trotting, which I think is good for my experience, but this other horse will be good for me once I get the strength to get on alone. To tell the truth, everyone says I never should be able to considering my condition but my doctor's told me of several men with my condition that have been able to overcome it. My relatives, who are only in their early twenties, some have to have people stay at their house because they fall and can't get up, but I'm really concerned with my health and I want to overcome this. I just really, I just don't know.
I'm the type of person that really soaks up information. Having a better saddle's really helped, and I have been more observant..jst those little things, are helping. When she says I'm leaning too far forward I am making a conscience effort to try to make that better, and I'm hoping that all of this will turn into good habits. He's not my horse, and I understand his personality, and he's been getting better, I've been getting better, I just have somewhat unrealistic goals.
For instance, I /am/ wanting to move to English. English means handicap ramp, in a sense. I seriously just, I do enjoy running, and I've considered racing, and jumping. I do poles and barrels with Buddy, but it's not what I've been interested in all my life. I am also feeling the lighter tack will be good for me, and English style riding woiuld benefit me. My problem is gaining my strength to get on. The good thing is I've been very blessed to have a trainer who is actually very knowledgable, and very kind, and she is trying to find what will be best for me. While I'm working personally, she is knowing what's good for me, and she's actually working on certification for handicapped. I'm not completely handicapped, and I do feel that my problems I can overcome. A lot, with him especially is fed on fear. I think I read someone's signature saynig it's like nuts and bolts, and when the horse is nuts the rider bolts..or maybe it's when the rider's nuts the horse bolts. All I know is that when I freak, he just gets worse, and I have noticed staying calm is helping, and I am thinking maybe just cantering on a lunge or just around the arena will make me feel a lot better.
Cheers for anyone who read all that. Sorry for the rant, but thanks a TON for all of the opinions and support.