Thanks, a lot.
I am to a certain extent, mostly because I really dislike not being able to do what everyone else can. I know there are things I will never do as some people have a natural physical ability, but I've struggled getting on with a stool and my improvement with just that and my strength has really inspired me. I want to be able to get on and off. That, and I don't want to be out on a 20 mile trail and not be able to get on by myself.
That also brings back in the fear factor. I am deathly afraid of heights. It's caused by my own body. I fear getting up in a chair, standing, anything because my balance isn't very good. I don't have these fears when I'm on a horse, but standing five feet up on a structure that's already five or so feet in the air and being expected to get on a horse is frightening. One of the arenas has one, and I did it to see if the horse I was on could. I could do it in a western saddle. The one at my trainer's place isn't really a handicap ramp, it's really just a wobbly support that's half of it, and I really just..can't do my fears. I've fallen trying to get up, and I'd much rather fall trying to get up on a horse than fall trying to go down on one.
For now, I'm working on my weight. I know if I get down to 110-120 pounds I'll be lighter and it'll be a lot easier for me to pick up my own body weight. Now it's like I'm carrying around those big bags of dog food when I get up on a horse.