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HELP, i'm a wimp i need help with confidence

4K views 28 replies 21 participants last post by  Acadianartist 
#1 ·
Looking for some advice in confidence building.
I have a lovely sweet natured predominantly very well behaved cob but I am struggling to keep my nerves under control.
I rode him the other day and he was fine for 5 minutes, then I felt myself start to get nervous, waiting for him to spook ect. As soon as I started to let my nerves take over our ride went down hill, he started to spook all over the place, wouldn't listen to me when I asked him to stop, then began balking and head flicking.
I am starting to feel so frustrated with myself as I know this is all my fault as he is looking for confidence from me but I keep finding myself in such a state that I make him feel my nerves.
as I said he is a very sensible sane horse but he looks for confidence from me and I am struggling


I find myself looking at things he has spooked at before anticipating him to start doing it again

I am not the greatest rider by a very long way so I am nervous of him spooking and I dread the feeling of him running away with me as I am not confident in my riding skills and have got more fearful in my older age!
I brought him to help me as he is a very sensible boy, and if I can get over my wimpyness he will test me in all the right ways.

To sum him up he is probably a confident novice ride, he looks for guidance and isn't strong (most of the time) when he listens and we work together he is simply the best but all of the bad rides of late are down to my nerves

I am looking for advice from anyone who is going through the same issue or has ever overcome there nerves. I know my thoughts are holding me back and I am driving myself loopy

I am even contemplating hypnotherapy, confidence courses, books, more and more lessons ect


Really hoping some of you wonderful people out there can help!
 
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#2 ·
I’m pleased that you realize how your emotional state effects your horse. This can have either positive or negative results if we have trouble controlling our own emotions.

Someone once asked an old man on his death bed what situations had presented him with the most difficulties in his long life. He answered: “Those that never happened.”

As you seem to realize, anticipating problems often causes them to happen, especially when riding horses. Rather than dwelling on what bad things might happen, try to imagine how well things might go.

Try to find a good instructor who can help you through any difficulties. Most situation can be overcome if we just remain calm and follow the instructions of someone who knows how to respond. As you become more experienced at overcoming difficulties, your confidence will increase automatically.

Rather than dwelling on any failures, focus on your successes.
 
#3 ·
I feel you. I've had 2 bad falls in the last year and I'm having to get through the mental issues, while still dealing with some of the physical ones that constantly remind me of those 2 falls. And I have to do it before June 22 when I'm scheduled to go show on one of the horses that I came off of and haven't ridden since that day. I have a good trainer, ok I think he's better than good. The other day we were going to do something that I haven't done in the year since my first fall, and I was more than nervous, terrified in fact. For the entire ride before I was going to lope, the horse was goosey, stopping, looking, feeling like she wanted to spook. I mentioned it and he said, "I've noticed she does not want to be still with you today. What's in your head?" and I realized that I was very tense and telegraphing my fear to my horse. A horse is a prey animal and we're predators. In the horse's mind, if the predator is THAT scared, then THEY need to do what horses do best, run away.

Once I realized I was likely the cause of her unrest, I had him put me on a lunge line, take away my reins and we worked without reins, hands, and stirrups doing various exercises until I said, "OK, let's gut through it. Lope.". And we loped, only about 3 strides at first and I had a complete panic fit, and then we did 6, then 10, then a full circle and we did it until I was ok with that much. Next time, we'll do that and then I'll see if I can do it off the lunge line. I'm actually not afraid of the horse I'm riding in lessons right now, but because the horse I'm showing bolted with me and I got injured coming off, the whole lope, canter, hand gallop, bolt, run through a fence thing keeps playing over and over in my mind. I have to re-write my mental script with a series of successful rides.

And THEN I have to get on the one that tossed me. Due to the injuries I couldn't get right back up, which would have probably stopped this whole fear thing, and 10 days after the fall I had to have surgery that kept me out of the saddle for 6 months. So instead of getting up and getting over it, I have fear for the first time EVER when riding horses. I totally second the advice to take some lessons, with or without your own horse, with a good, steady, knowledgeable trainer who can help you work through the nerves and show you how to deal with the odd spook and how you can not contribute to the pony's nerves.
 
#5 ·
I second finding a good trainer you can work with.


But I know how you feel. An accident (30 years ago) shattered my confidence and it just never returned completely. So I would describe me as a rider that sometimes struggles with the "what if..." thoughts.
My mare is a gem and takes good care of me, but she is sensitive enough to react to me getting nervous or anticipating problems.
I have 2 things that help me calming down and getting my mind off the "what ifs":
1) singing/humming - you can't really do that without breathing deeply, which relaxes you immediately
2) solving math problems in my head - no too difficult, so it's still doable, but hard enough to get me thinking. Works like a charm for me! Maybe it's just an sign I really suck at multitasking, lol
 
#6 ·
Well hello, fellow wimp :). I know you are looking for help but all I can offer is a very strong "you're not alone". I learned to ride 5 years ago (I ain't no spring chicken). I was doing great, and then have had two horses over the past couple of years who have ended up bucking. Like you, I know most of the problem lies squarely in my own lap (or seat) and I am now really struggling with confidence.

I've gone back to the old reliable gelding that I learned on. Thank goodness I hadn't sold him. I am working with a trainer, which I highly recommend as there is a pretty big safety net when someone is watching every move you make. I've got a lot of work ahead of me to unlearn the bad habits I developed while riding those two unpredictable horses, but I'm more than willing to go right back to basics.

I think one of the big things that holds people back from moving on after a confidence-trashing horse, or accident, is pride. So kudos to you because you obviously are not falling in to that trap. Take your time. As my trainer is always telling me ... "it doesn't have to happen right away, it just has to happen".

Please keep us posted - like you, I will take all the hints I can get.
 
#7 ·
I've had the same issue last year, when I bought my first horse. Nothing wrong with her, but I still had panic attacks all the time. What I did is I took lessons. A lot of them. I went back on the lunge line at a walk. All I did was walk on the lunge line for a couple of weeks. Eventually I got bored of it. Stated troting on the lunge line, until I got bored of it. I think boredom is the best cure for fear. Also, I wasn't pushing myself and I was taking my lessons on consecutive days because I found that whenever I skipped a few days, the fear would return. Best of luck.
 
#8 ·
Taking lessons is a step in the right direction. I personally suggest taking your first several lessons on horses provided to you by the lesson facility you go to so that you can ride with the pseudo-confidence a "bomb-proof" lesson horse has to offer.

As for your horse. Right now don't do more than you are comfortable doing. If you are a hot mess on trail, stay at home for a while and ride in the ring. If the ring is scary - that's ok. Start out doing some ground work. That will not only help your horse, but it will help you as well. The two of you sound like you need to work on your communication skills. I like most of the on-line/DVD big names. John Lyons and Clinton Anderson are my favorites. Parelli talks to much for me and boxes everything in too much for me. Monty Roberts was dificult for me to follow.

As for ring riding. Walking for the entire ride is fine. You can walk, back, turn on the hind quarters, forehand, laterally move, side-pass, do ground poles and boxes etc. That's ok. There is no set "you must" to riding a horse. If you find yourself having a good day at the walk then pick up the trot. If you are nervous about spooking, keep it in a small relaxed circle. Don't let him look all over the ring. And keep it short. A couple circles of good trot and then come back to the walk.

When you get nervous or scared. BREATH. That's huge. I noticed that when I think my horse is going to spook, if I breath and chat and maybe pet him like there is nothing wrong, he'll decide not to spook. You are reacting before it happens which tells him the hoof-eating monster is really coming.

Just pretend there is no hoof eating monster but don't push yourself harder than you are ready for. Don't take the easy rode, but it's ok to move at your own pace.
 
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#9 ·
I never really dealt with fear riding horses, but something that really helped me with my gelding who is spooky when he has excess energy (which in his case is 80% of the time lol), is first of all keeping both of us focused (if I'm focussing on riding a perfectly round circle with nice rhythm and bend neither of us has time to 'spook' or get nervous!) and second laugh at him when he gets in pre-spook position (ears up, back tight snorting and looking at someting in the bushes).

I used to get freaked out and anticipate the spook when he did that, causing him to blow up and bolt off, but now I just laugh and put some leg on. That will make him turn at least one ear back to me and reassure me that he still knows I'm on board. Laughing at him helps in 2 ways. First it relaxes me (subconciously), and second it changes my mentality from 'This horse is scary because he will spook and throw me and then i might get hurt' to 'silly pony that's you're own shadow, stop being such a bum!' He rarely bolts now, we have the occasional scoot if there is a loud noise or something, but he's easy to get back because I stay more relaxed.
 
#10 ·
Sing!!! You'll think I'm crazy, but hear me out.

I'm a wimp too. Well, not in everything I do, but when it comes to risk-taking, I just don't get the thrill. It was different when I was a kid, but I was never the roller-coaster, bungee-jumping type. And yet here I am, drawn to riding horses, which, let's be honest, is not the safest way to live. I had never fallen off a horse, really, until last year, when my new mare spooked badly. It really scared me. But to be honest, there were times when I would get very stressed while riding our gelding too (we got him about 9 months before we got our mare). He's great in an arena, but very jiggy on trails. And near a road, he was unpredictable. Having been in a few car accidents, it caused my stress levels to go over the top.

So I started singing to him on trail rides. It's usually the same song, a slow ballad I used to sing to my kids that happens to be kind of long so it keeps going a while. About the only song I know from beginning to end. I've also sung Christmas songs. Not always at Christmas, LOL. Here's the thing, when you sing, you have to breathe. We often get so stressed, we are holding our breath. Singing forces us to regulate our breathing. The other thing it does is keep our mind occupied so we're not imaging the next spook/fall. And finally, my gelding finds it really soothing! And now, my mare does too! After a while, they get to know the tune I think, or at least feel how different you are on their back while you're singing it. My horses' ears come back as they listen, and I can feel them relax, feel their necks go down a notch.

Breathing exercises also help. When I realized my mare needed to be desensitized, I hired a trainer who specialized in this and she would get me to breath in for three strides, breathe out for three strides. Everytime you breathe out, your muscles relax. And again, it gives you something to focus on.

I very rarely need to do either of these things anymore, but last night, I rode our gelding out to our neighbors' place because my daughter is using their indoor arena to get ready for show season. It means riding along the road. Our gelding got jiggy, and all worked up, even though there wasn't a car in sight. So I started singing, at the risk of looking like an idiot. It worked! He immediately calmed down and we had a lovely walk to the neighbors' place. On the way back, we met a big truck, but by then, we were both relaxed and confident, so rather than try to find a place to go off the shoulder of the road and let the truck get by, we just kept riding. I sang, we relaxed, and the truck drove right by us (he didn't even slow down, which annoyed me, but not everyone does). I gave him lots of love after that.

You do need to ride a lot to get over this. It's good that you know how much your emotions are being soaked up by your horse. Your goal now, is to control your emotions. Singing, or even talking to your horse helps. I also have found yoga very useful to help me find ways to ground myself and be aware of my breathing.

The good thing is that you will feel so empowered when you are able to influence your horse's emotions positively! And you will learn to be more in touch with yourself than most people because of this.
 
#12 ·
:thumbsup:
Sing!!! You'll think I'm crazy, but hear me out.

I'm a wimp too. Well, not in everything I do, but when it comes to risk-taking, I just don't get the thrill. It was different when I was a kid, but I was never the roller-coaster, bungee-jumping type. And yet here I am, drawn to riding horses, which, let's be honest, is not the safest way to live. I had never fallen off a horse, really, until last year, when my new mare spooked badly. It really scared me. But to be honest, there were times when I would get very stressed while riding our gelding too (we got him about 9 months before we got our mare). He's great in an arena, but very jiggy on trails. And near a road, he was unpredictable. Having been in a few car accidents, it caused my stress levels to go over the top.

So I started singing to him on trail rides. It's usually the same song, a slow ballad I used to sing to my kids that happens to be kind of long so it keeps going a while. About the only song I know from beginning to end. I've also sung Christmas songs. Not always at Christmas, LOL. Here's the thing, when you sing, you have to breathe. We often get so stressed, we are holding our breath. Singing forces us to regulate our breathing. The other thing it does is keep our mind occupied so we're not imaging the next spook/fall. And finally, my gelding finds it really soothing! And now, my mare does too! After a while, they get to know the tune I think, or at least feel how different you are on their back while you're singing it. My horses' ears come back as they listen, and I can feel them relax, feel their necks go down a notch.

Breathing exercises also help. When I realized my mare needed to be desensitized, I hired a trainer who specialized in this and she would get me to breath in for three strides, breathe out for three strides. Everytime you breathe out, your muscles relax. And again, it gives you something to focus on.

I very rarely need to do either of these things anymore, but last night, I rode our gelding out to our neighbors' place because my daughter is using their indoor arena to get ready for show season. It means riding along the road. Our gelding got jiggy, and all worked up, even though there wasn't a car in sight. So I started singing, at the risk of looking like an idiot. It worked! He immediately calmed down and we had a lovely walk to the neighbors' place. On the way back, we met a big truck, but by then, we were both relaxed and confident, so rather than try to find a place to go off the shoulder of the road and let the truck get by, we just kept riding. I sang, we relaxed, and the truck drove right by us (he didn't even slow down, which annoyed me, but not everyone does). I gave him lots of love after that.

You do need to ride a lot to get over this. It's good that you know how much your emotions are being soaked up by your horse. Your goal now, is to control your emotions. Singing, or even talking to your horse helps. I also have found yoga very useful to help me find ways to ground myself and be aware of my breathing.

The good thing is that you will feel so empowered when you are able to influence your horse's emotions positively! And you will learn to be more in touch with yourself than most people because of this.
:thumbsup: This!!! Read this carefully and think about it when you ride! The singing helps! For the breathing, make sure you are breathing through your stomach, not your chest (this is how babies breath naturally and is very calming). It's also the way we breath in my martial arts class and how we develop our "Chi".

Mentally talk yourself down to calmness while practicing your breathing and if the situation you are in seems too much, back it off a level and start again.

And lastly, as Acadianartist said, miles in the saddle will build your confidence. Riding might look easy from the spectator's view but we all know just how hard it is to learn!
 
#11 ·
Hi, another one to sympathise, from first hand experience! And congratulate you on recognising how your horse is responding to you. And I've fearlessly ridden anything & everything when I was young, have trained horses for years confidently before.... I had very young kids, a not very bad fall(but my 'what if' imagination ran riot...) & everything went to pot for a while there!

I also had a young, green horse(I'd started him under saddle between pregnancies) and was alone - didn't have horsey friends to ride with. Got to the point that I started shaking at the thought of approaching the horse to throw a leg over! And my poor boy got very nervous, wondering what was so scary about having me on his back! And I felt so STUPID for it. Kept trying to push myself to get over it because I 'should' be able to do this... which only made it worse.

Finally after finding a GOOD, CONSIDERATE trainer for my horse(had unfortunately gone thru a couple of idiots, realising he being so green & me not up to the task, we needed help), seeing her work with his fears in much the same way I would... finally it clicked! I wouldn't dream of treating a scared horse or dog or child like I was treating myself, forcing them into a scary situation. I would instead ask them for only as much as they could *comfortably* do, get confident with that first, before *gradually* adding the 'degree of difficulty' or pushing them only slightly out of their 'comfort zone'. And I finally remembered my behavioural psych training, that I was far from 'stupid', but my response of getting worse & worse was entirely normal for someone that was forced too far/much into too fearful situations, even if it was self-forced. So, I treated myself the same way I've taught so many animals & kids over the years & finally got myself over it! I'm not the fearless rider I once was, there are things these days I just won't do, but I call that... realism & maturity! ;-) Unfortunately that includes 'retraining' other's horses ridden. I'm more than confident on the ground, happy to start horses under saddle from scratch, 'retrain' my own that I buy, but I just can't bring myself to ride other's 'difficult' horses any more.

So... I started back at the very, very, very beginning, because that's effectively where I'd 'stooped' to & taken my horse to. I started just getting my horse standing at a mounting block with me leaning across him. Then I progressed to putting a leg over him bareback, but keeping my weight & balance on the foot still on the block. Then progressed to actually sitting on him... momentarily at first - I'd put a leg over, shift my weight onto him & then slide straight off the other side, before I had a chance to get into a state - and put him in one! So that's how I progressed, one tiny baby step at a time!

But it sounds like you're in a far better position than I started. In your situation, I'd start in an environment such as an arena, where there is little to worry about, relatively safe, and if you reckon you can ride 5 mins before getting edgy, stop after 4.5 & get off! Give yourselves a stress free breather, do something else, then get back on for another 4 min ride. Rinse & repeat a heap of times. Become well practiced at this until you're blase about it. Then start riding for 5.5 minutes... etc. And of course, speed & what you're doing will have their 'thresholds' too. Eg. if trotting makes you more nervous, stick to a walk with only a few steps of a trot here & there to begin with.
 
#13 ·
I only started riding 3 years ago. I'm 75 YO. I experienced a few large spooks early on and rode them out nicely. Then I experienced a large spook while bareback and came off and landed hard on my side. I considered giving up my riding after that but carried on.

The spooks became more frequent after that and I experienced a few more get-offs. At almost every stumble he made I would seize up anticipating a spook.

I posted here and got a lot of advice, some of which helped. And yes, it was primarily my mental state and anticipation that was making things worse. I had ridden out spooks before falling without a worry or fear.

Along with following advice to be sure not to allow myself or my horse to "go to sleep" on the trail, I came across a video on YouTube of a lady riding out a large spook. I downloaded it and made a slow motion copy of it. She did what I thought was an excellent job of remaining calm while riding out the spook.

While riding I would play that short clip in my mind fairly frequently. I still do on occasion. Watching that video over and over in my mind and realizing I had done the same prior to my scare from falling gave me back the confidence I had started with.

Hondo still spooks some, but not nearly as often. And so far I have ridden them out with out developing any new fears.

I'll add that I like that idea of singing. Something about that seems to reduce tension. Plus it keeps the rider awake and the horse knowing the rider is there and awake.

That's my 1 1/2 cents.

I
 
#18 ·
Sit one single step outside of your comfort zone. That's all. One step.

That one step outside will soon become your new comfort zone. Once that's comfortable, take another step and stay there. And so on. Soon enough you'll wonder why you were ever scared!

So if you're comfortable at a walk, do one stride of trot. Once you're comfortable doing one stride of trot, do two, and so on, and so forth.

You say you're scared of spooking. What are you afraid will happen? You'll fall off? Not if you have a strong core and lower leg! So do yoga and pilates when you aren't able to ride, and then eventually even the most violent spook (short of the horse going full bronc) won't dislodge you.

If you're not afraid of the fall itself but you're afraid you might get hurt, train yourself to fall safely. If you roll on impact, you're a lot less likely to be injured. Better is if you can learn to land on your feet with your knees bent to absorb the energy of impact, but sometimes that isn't possible.

Singing is fantastic. I usually choose church hymns, because they're nice and mellow and I have to breathe properly to be able to hold the notes.

And the best thing you will ever learn (which takes a LONG time to actually click!) is that forward is your friend. Keep riding that horse forward into soft, giving hands, and you'll end up with a horse that pays more attention to you, because you know where you're going and you're IN CHARGE. You're looking after him, so he doesn't need to be scared.
 
#19 ·
Everyone has covered what will help . Yes , I chant and sing ( off-key so quietly) . In a group the others have no idea I'm doing it because I'm scared , LOL . Just think I'm just a bit nuts . I also got a trainer to work my horse then both of us . Roc is now awesome and I know it so feel braver . Can ride the really steep , slick ugly trails at BSF ( still get scared but do it and it's fun! ) . One thing .... I got a Australian saddle (Longreach Endurance) and a 5Star pad that fits and does not move around . Really keeps me in the saddle when he does a big spook . My basic life personality is timid and scared ...but you really can't let that stop you .
 
#21 · (Edited)
Looking for some advice in confidence building.
There is a cheesy saying: "The bird doesn't trust the branch it sits on, it trusts its own wings."

As long as you are uncomfortable with speed, you'll be uncomfortable with a horse that has the ability to run fast. I ride a horse that loves galloping for fun, but because I'm used to it and I know I can bring him down, I'm not overly concerned about him bolting. (He once bolted really badly when two kids next to the trail came down on their sleds on frozen snow, screaming.) I actually let him run for a second or two before starting to talk to him and bringing him down. It's the same reason why I can ride an OTTB at a walk on the buckle while others who try to keep him on a tight rein to quickly abort any attempts at speeding up have a real struggle on their hands. (I saw that happening once, and it wasn't pretty.)

So, confidence will come from the knowledge that you can handle most of what the horse will ask of you during a ride. Nothing less will do.

To get comfortable with speed, I recommend short hill runs at first. Your horse will tire faster, the pace will be slower, and it'll be more natural to ride in two-point. Then try open fields that are long enough to slow him down gradually, over several seconds (10-20) if need be. And don't be concerned about falling: you can get hurt plenty in the saddle, like when your horse stumbles and you crash your pubic symphisis and groin into the saddle pommel. Or so I've heard... :?
 
#22 ·
I have gone through many times of letting my fear ruin my riding. I am now a lot older and have health issues and a lack of strength. There is no way that sitting out from riding a few years is going to lead to better riding later. Either I ride now, or I just don't ride.

When I get nervous I sing. My favorite is "Angels Watching Over Me". It calms the horse, calms me, drowns out the noise of scurrying little creatures, and who knows? It may even remind an angel or two to help me and my horse out.
 
#25 · (Edited)
I chose riding the moment I became financially independent enough to support a horse . Love the smell , sound , etc . IMO there is a gene that some have that marked horse poop smell like roses .

There somewhere on internet how to learn breathing technique to subdue fear while riding . In my mind that reinforces the idea that singing works . Btw I have sung my personal song quietly many times out on a particularly bad trail . Words are simple just " Oh S#¡t ! " sung to any song .
 
#27 ·
A few things that have helped me -- and I've had some pretty unpleasant experiences -- navigate my way through some fear.

-Stretch, and shake yourself out, both before you get on, and once you are on -- if you trust your horse enough for him to put up with you doing that, of course!
-Try holding a power stance before you get in the saddle. Legs spread shoulder width apart, arms up straight and wide over your head, making yourself BIG and TALL and assertive. It will help your headspace and confidence on an unconscious level. Oodles of studies have shown this to help before any intimidating encounter! I know this can be a bit embarassing, so if there are people around, do this in the bathroom or alone in the tack room or something before you ride. ;)
-Your mood affects your body, for sure, but it can also work the other way! When you're afraid, notice what your body is doing. Consciously encourage your body to do the opposite. Does your breathing get shallow and tight? Take sloooowww, deep diaphragm breaths. Do your shoulders get tight and roll forward? Do you start to draw up into a defensive position? Sit deep, leeeennnngthen your legs and body. Breeeeaaaathe. By willing your body to behave as though it's relaxed, you can start to trick your brain into relaxing. By practicing this, I have managed to create a state that I call "calm panic" which is a hell of a lot more effective than panicky panic!! If you're going to panic, you might as well work on doing it in a way that doesn't *feel* like panic and won't *read* as panic to your horse!!
-Push your boundaries -- slowly. Start by doing what you're comfortable with until it's boring. Then add one little thing, and work on that until it's going well and you're bored with it too.

You can do all you want to work on your confidence and getting over your fear. The truth that horseback riding is to some degree dangerous never goes away, though, so ultimately this is the realization that has been most helpful for me: fear doesn't belong in the saddle. Give your fear room to exist, if it needs to, at any other time. But once you've decided to get on the horse in SPITE of it, it stops being useful to you. If you're getting on that horse, you've committed to it, so you KNOW you're not too scared to get up there. So. It doesn't get to get up there with you. (Good judgment should always stick around, though!)
 
#28 ·
Another thing that might help you with your specific problems:

Hand-walk him around a LOT, and into new situations. If he spooks on the ground, so what, right? You'll be able to handle anything that could scare him by moving forward with absolute confidence. That will come across to him, and can only benefit both his and your confidence when you're in the saddle. It will also expose him to a lot more stuff so fewer and fewer things should bug him when he's ridden.

I'm currently working with a green pony who seriously lacks confidence when she's away from her buddies. 85% of what I'm doing with her is hand walking her into new situations and getting her mind working. Does she balk and spook while I lead her? Oh you bet. Do I care? Not at all. And she gets better every time. I'm not planning to ride her into new situations until she doesn't bat an eye. COULD I be trying to do that at the point she's in with her training? Probably, but I'm not a bouncy little kid anymore, and discretion is the better part of valour. :)
 
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