I need advice - riding after a bad accident
I am looking for some advice here. About 6 months ago, (Sept 25th), I was riding my 4 y.o. in a lesson, when at a trot, on a circle, he just goofed off a little and reared up. I know that I should have given him a walk break sooner, but my trainer wanted us to reward him on a good note (as he had been acting up just a little on the open circle sides). He lost his balance while rearing up and fell backwards on to me. Luckily he didn't step on me while getting up, cause I can remember seeing him step up, thinking "please don't step on me".
I had one fractured chest vertebrae, 5 fractures in 3 lumbar vertebrae, and my sacrum was broken from top to bottom on the right and on the left. I spent 4 weeks in hospital, and then 2 more weeks in a hospital bed we rented at home. I wasn't allowed or able to get out of the bed for those entire 6 weeks (not even to use the bathroom or ANYTHING), or even just sit up... Quite frankly, I couldn't, since the break in my sacrum was shifting and the pain that causes is something I had never known existed. After the 6 weeks I was able to start putting weight on my right leg, started to learn to walk with a walker, and then after another month, I was able to put weight down on my left leg.
I am doing fine now, still have less strength in my lower back of course, as in 6 weeks all my muscles practically disappeared, but I have no pain.
However, my situation was an incredibly close call. While I was in the hospital the anesthesiologist (cause I had a morphine pump) told me that she was amazed how lucky I got, since 99% of people with my injuries would have severe spinal cord damage and most likely paralysis. Having 6 long weeks to think about all of this, is a very, very long time as well - as there was no way for me to just get my mind off of it, and onto something else.
My youngster is really a good boy, I don't blame him, and I know that it was just an accident. My husband and I don't intend to sell him, and my husband who is far less experienced than me, has been on him at a walk since. I have been on my older "trusted" buddy a couple of times last month, and of course that was totally fine. (Well, getting on him was a little challenging for my leg).
I guess I am just looking for advice on what I can/should do to get this out of my head. I'm allowed to ride my youngster again at the end of March (6 month should have given the bones plenty of time to fill out). I just know that that day my entire life, all my plans, and aspirations could have changed, and that is really, really, heavy on me. What would you do??