But part of me just feels guilty. Like I'm quitting because it's too hard or something. I'm really just tired of worrying about little things. I feel like my horse would like that so much better. I rode my horse in the arena today. She was good. A little quick sometimes, but she was good. I went to cool her out and I let her do a slow gallop down the long straight side of the big pasture we ride around - she had so much fun. When we got back to the barn, she tried to turn back around and go back to the trail around the field. Somebody was obviously enjoying the little adventure.
I did dressage for 2 years, and now I'm making a sad attempt at hunters. I suck at jumping, and I screw up Amber because of that. The only reason I want to do it is because I feel like I "have to" or I have to "prove something". I feel like at this point, I'm showing for all the wrong reasons. Mainly because I keep hearing so many passive aggressive comments about how my QH doesn't move as nicely as the TBs at the barn or the little pony hunters. Just feeling under par.
And then, today, I texted someone who has a horse out there about how munch fun I had galloping Amber today, and how she turned back and tried to go around again, and they said their horse tries to run back to the barn. They can't ride their horse outside the arena. My response was, "Well, he's an OTTB and she's a QH". I didn't mean it to sound snotty, I think it may have, but as much as I've heard about my horse being lesser than the others, I felt it was kind of well deserved. I kind of felt like, well, your horse does not do better than mine in something at least. Not that OTTBs can't make good trail horses too, and him being an OTTB really the issue there most likely, but it still made me realize that I'm overlooking Amber's real talent and what she did for the majority of her life before I had her...just trail riding and poking around.
Am I just ducking out because things are getting too hard, and should I feel bad, or am I right for wanting to quit? I don't really want to do it anymore, it's almost like a "have to". I don't feel like working on anything. I feel like a terrible rider for that, and I feel like I'm doing it for all the wrong reasons if I feel like that.