Re-beginner getting frustrated
Okay this is sorta long. And..it's kinda all over the place. So if you don't want to read it all, and just skim, that's okay. But I feel like I have to write this all so someone can understand why I'm so frustrated.
So, I just recently gotten back into actual riding. I first started lessons when I was in high school. I took lessons for a year from a world champion barrel racer, and she was so amazing. She was not easy on her students, but I liked that. I knew if she told me I was doing something right, or I was doing a good job that she really meant it, and wasn't just going easy on me out of pity. So, I only took lessons for a year because at that point I was a senior in high school and was taking AP classes and I didn't have time for it sadly. I regret that decision, so much now.
A few years ago, my mom and I got back into horses - and we now own two with a foal on the way. However, something happened between now and when I first started riding at sixteen. I got...the fear. You know, mortality. Somehow I grew up, and I realized how dangerous horses are and I eventually became terrified. The horses my mom bought have beautiful bloodlines, but they were not trained. So I never got back into riding. I learned how to handle them, somewhat. Enough so they could stand tied, behave for the farrier decently (something i'm still battling with) and get their shots, etc. But anything more than that, I was terrified. Like shaking in my boots, on the verge of anxiety attacks, and tears. I almost all-together threw in the towel, because I was convinced that I could never get over this. I didn't belong in the horse world. Fear was keeping me from the thing that made my heart so full and full of bliss.
In January I moved, and moved my horses into boarding. My gelding is under saddle, but still very green. He's doing great with his trainer! Still big problem with the feet, but definitely improving.
However, my riding. I'm not riding Cowboy because a green horse with a green rider could be a deadly combination. I'M NOT THAT STUPID! So I'm riding other horses at the barn, getting free lessons from my trainer and the lady who I pay to keep my horses there. They've both become family, and they really really want to see me get over this horrible fear. I'm doing good, according to them. Once I'm up on the horse, I feel like flying. I feel alive. I feel like this is my highest, happiest moment and nothing could ever measure up to right now. But my form is AWFUL! I don't know if I'm just paying more attention to it now that I'm grown, or what. But it's really starting to piss me off. I'm starting off from scratch mind you. I think I use too much leg work when I'm turning, and I can't keep the horse in a trot. And let's not even address the fact that I can't post in rhythm with the horse. (I remember this being really hard for me when I was first learning too..)
Are there any re-beginners out there? I would hate to say..well I just don't have it anymore. I was told when I was younger that I was such a natural for it. I was my instructor's "barrel racing prodigy" and now I'm just hopeless. I hope it gets easier. Even when I don't have a lesson (like tomorrow) I'm going to be practicing. From the time I stopped lessons and when I restarted recently...it had been 10 year since I was on a horse. I don't need to become a champion in the ring. I want to ride correctly and just have fun!