Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: The South Ya'll
I'm just no that into showing anymore...
Hey guys, I've been really down recently and it would mean the world to me if someone would listen and try to help me out. It's kind of a long rant/story but here it goes:
I've been showing my whole life. Everything has always been about showing and improving. I am always out to win and I have a lot of fun. Horse shows are a great place for me to learn and find ways to focus and concentrate under pressure. I have always wanted to be on the circuit constantly and live in an RV. You know, live the life, whether I was eventing or competing in the hunters and jumpers. The past few years I have competed in almost 1-2 AA/A shows a month with various horses. The last year was mostly showing my beloved Crown.
Now I said I have always loved horse shows and I really do, but I have a ton of anxiety. I either kick butt in the ring or embarrass myself. I am not a great rider by any means and I just never felt like I belonged on the AA circuit. People sometimes make fun of my lean OTTB, especially when we were doing the hunters. It's just really discouraging. We would do SO well in a flat class and truly kick the other horse's butts. Then place last. People that picked up the wrong leads place better than me.
I don't hate it, I just can't quite put my finger on it. I love some of the people, but others just make me so angry. I see so many things like drugging and other pressures and it makes me question the entire concept of showing. I don't know if I'm burned out or what, I just don't appreciate them like I used to. I work very hard and nothing comes easy to me, but that's fine and how it has always been. I have more motivation now than ever to be a good rider and keep training Crown to be the best he can be. I just no longer have desire to go to a big show.
Another thing is that I am moving away to college and understandably won't have the time to do the big shows. I feel a guilty relief from that. It will be awesome because Crown will stress if he has to spend the week at a show in a stall and he no longer has to do that. I just want to have fun! There is a small local schooling show with a 2'6" eq class that I want to do just for the heck of it in the fall. I don't know it's all just confusing and I am telling my coach and other students my "I don't have the time/money as a student" but that's no where near the whole story. It is a huge relief from me. I just want to go to teeny laid back shows and try new things. I still want to and will train under my coach, my goals are just not the same.
Sorry this is such a long and useless rant, it's just something I need to talk to people about and see if I'm not crazy. My show days are over and I'm okay with that. I spend so much more time out there now with my horse and do more fun things that I felt guilty about before. I even want to try a trails course!