Chapter 1 I hope you enjoy!! [Long!] - The Horse Forum
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post #1 of 7 Old 06-06-2008, 06:20 PM Thread Starter
Green Broke
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Chapter 1 I hope you enjoy!! [Long!]

I wrote a pretty good story during school today! Tell me what you think! I know puncuation is bad. The begining is kinda bad but the middle is pretty good Im proud :)

"I love the smell of horses and hay at 7 o' clock in the morning." Megan said to herself while inhaleing the sweet aroma. She could all ready hear the horses moving around and waiting for their food. First week with horses at her home, she wouldnt have it any other way. Boarding for the past 3 years is nothing compared to this. As she walked into the barn she turned on the barn light one by one to slowly wake up any horses that could be sleeping, hardly ever works. As she made her way over to the other end of the barn where the hay was stacked, she opened the top half of the doors, so they could see out. She opened the bale of hay and gave two flakes to all four of the horses, just so they wouldn't start pawing, for some reason this sound always drove Megan insane. She walked back to the feed room and pulled out the grain cart, stall by stall she gave each a full scoop of sweet feed, then put the cart away. Walking back to the house she relized she almost forgot to water the horses, she grabbed the hose was connected to the side of the house, it wqas difficult dragging it all the way to the barn and back. "I should seriously get a water supply down here." she murmured as she just reached the side of the barn. After getting her shirt almost soaked with water she finished watering. Megan tuened off the hose an d put the nosle in an empty feed bucket, just so she wouldn't have to drag it to and from the barn.
She walked back to the house, she noticed the time. "8:00! I have to be at work in 30 mins!" She ran to her car and drove off. Working part time at a sandwhich shop and giving 3 kids privet lessons 2 times a week just barley gets her by considering how much hay, grain, and shavings have gone up. "Your late" was the greeting she got from her boss when she walked in. "by five minutes! Good morning to you too James." "keep giving me attitude and you wont have to wirry about being late!" says James as he walks to his station. "Okay i'm sorry I wont be late again, even though theres no one here anyways." Megan mumbles. Jame just glared at her, and turned on the outside lights. Megan headed out to the back kitchen to start up the machines, when she saw the other two workers just hanging around. These aren't the kind of people Megan enjoys seeing almost everyday. Finally the costomers started rolling in, Taking different orders from sandwhiches, to fried onion rings, and ignoring rude comments from 'Vickky' and her little sidekicks. Five minutes to her shift was done and she could go home to her horses. " Im checking out ill be back on wednesday." she says speeding out the door. The thirty minute drive home was Megans way to relax and unwind fron a days work.
Finally she got home slipped off her work clothes and put on some jeans and a T-shirt. "The stalls are okay for the night." She said while hooking a lead rope onto twisters halter. Megan got a slight nicker in response. Twister is an 8 year old 16H fresian. "bareback seems more fun today, Plus im to lazy to mess with the saddle right now." Megan said while Slipping the bridle over Twisters head. Being a natural horsemanship beleiver Twister is one of the first ones she has worked with. From day one the two has had a good bond, but the training made it ten times stronger. Before heading out of the barn she took a stuff brush over Twister to get loose dirt off. Before ever getting on she likes to get the horses thinking. Megan unhooked the lead rope and laid an obstical down and with out touching twister she guided him around it. He only made a few mistakes but was thinking about where his feet go and was paying attention to Megan not what is going on around him.
SHe jumped up on his back just barley making it. Once all settled she asked for a nice collected trot, which still needs work but she was doing this for fun so she kept going. Seeing some fallen down trees in the feild. "Canter!" Megan said with a strong voice, with out hesatation Twister moves smoothly into a nice speed canter. Feeling the muscles working underneath her and feeling the power made her feel so strong and in control. Quickly moving into a gallop, they take off and land ever so softly which amazes megan everytime how something so big and strong can land with such grace and making hardly a sound. Log after log megan felt so free. Slowing down to a canter, twister hardly breaking a sweat and still ready for more. "Your in control now!" twister took that as a command and took off, still aware of megan on his back. She losened her reins and took a bit of mane to keep her seat. Galloping around her twenty acre with the horse in control this time. She loved the feeling. She could hear twister snorting which made Megan laugh. Twister trotted up the slight hill which was quite steep on the other side Megam could tell what he was going to do. He just stopped. Maybe she was wrong? The sun was just starting to set, so pretty. Megan felt Twisters Muscles tighten, she grabbed as much mane as she could, twister galliped down the hill, her stomach dropped, which gave her more excitement. A tree! Uh oh! "We can do this!" In her head she knew Twister could, it was the landing she was afraid of. Twister must of felt Megans nervousness because he swerved to the side and trotted the rest of the way down.
Megan slipped off and laid on the grass, Twister lowered his head and blew out, blowing crud all over her. Not minding much, she wiped it off. Falling asleep moments later. When she woke up it was almost pitch dark Twister was laying down 3 feet away. Megan reached for Twister and climbed on his back. "Up." Twister rose to his feet with ease and waiting for Megans command."lets go home and eat." Megan said teasing while collecting her reins but kept come slack. They rode home finally reaching the barn. Megan brought Twister in the barn inside and brushed her off and put him in the stall. She gave all the horses 2 flakes of hay for the night, watered once more and spent a few minutes with each horse. Megan shut off the lights and closed up the barn and headed inside for the night.

Dont be afraid to tell me the truth. I have Ch 2 started so If your interested let me know :)
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post #2 of 7 Old 06-06-2008, 06:43 PM
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Nice job.

I have a question though, why does she leave the horses in the barn all day?

If I were you though, I would give the story more angle, more direction. It seems like you just made a list of her daily activities and didn't really get into any detail. I'd suggest adding more detail and "colour" to your story. Spend more time on the events. What do the horses look like, what is the weather doing, what are her co-workers like? And what is Megan like?

Just some suggestions.

As for grammer, parts of it are in past tense, while parts are in present tense. :P You may want to change that.

Sounds like you're having fun with it so far. Good luck! :)

"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord. 'Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future'" ~ Jeremiah 29:11

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post #3 of 7 Old 06-06-2008, 07:47 PM Thread Starter
Green Broke
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Okay thanks for the advice :)
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post #4 of 7 Old 06-17-2008, 04:09 PM
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where's the rest?
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post #5 of 7 Old 06-17-2008, 04:42 PM Thread Starter
Green Broke
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lol would you like to read ch 2?? I didnt put it up because no one has said anything about this chapter
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post #6 of 7 Old 06-17-2008, 04:45 PM
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Ooh nice chapter!

Ride more, worry less.
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post #7 of 7 Old 06-17-2008, 04:54 PM Thread Starter
Green Broke
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hehe thanks Ill probably put the second one up soon!
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