Comments welcome on this poem - The Horse Forum

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post #1 of 7 Old 07-22-2013, 04:47 PM Thread Starter
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Comments welcome on this poem

This is the first poem I have ever written.
Thunder
The earth shakes
And clouds rumble and spark
As wild horses from the past
Gallop in the heavens
They cause the cloud to spark
As there hooves touch the ground
They set the earth a glow
With each powerful step
The there is peace
As the horses settle
To graze beside still
Waters
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post #2 of 7 Old 07-25-2013, 08:12 PM
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I really love your poem. Even though it does not rhyme it is very unique and I love it.
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post #3 of 7 Old 07-25-2013, 10:55 PM
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Very beautiful!! I would rhyme it just for it to 'flow' better but it is still very very good.

Pshh....I don't procrastinate, I just do unimportant things VERY productively!

Be a frootloop in a cheerio world!
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post #4 of 7 Old 07-27-2013, 05:21 AM
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That's lovely, and you capture the movement and scene beautifully without being too obvious about it, if you know what I mean.

Some things I noticed (and I'm being picky):

Misspelling of 'their'
Repetition of the word 'spark'
'Aglow' is one word, not two

Work on getting the 'flow' of the piece right - this is very very important in all writing but particularly in a poem. It's hard to explain because each person's writing style means that there'll be different flow, but try reading it out loud. Does it fall out of your mouth easily or does it sound awkward? In a poem, every single syllable counts, and needs to be carefully chosen, both for meaning and for the 'sound' of it, the emphasis of each syllable. Work on the parameter of each line for a more even kind of poem. For example: Two households, both alike in dignity (the first line to the prologue of Romeo and Juliet) is written in iambic parameter, which has emphasis on every second syllable. Even in a free verse poem, as this is, the lines still need follow each other in rhythm, and the lines shouldn't break up the poem awkwardly but emphasise the rhythm. A new line isn't something you just start because it looks like a good place. It needs to work with the lines before it.

Lastly, is there a reason the last word 'waters' is on a new line? It isn't part of a new idea and probably should be on the line above :)

Again, lovely poem!
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Last edited by Chokolate; 07-27-2013 at 05:25 AM.
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post #5 of 7 Old 07-30-2013, 09:22 PM
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^^
Are you an English teacher?!? Very impressive feedback!!!

Pshh....I don't procrastinate, I just do unimportant things VERY productively!

Be a frootloop in a cheerio world!
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post #6 of 7 Old 08-01-2013, 04:10 AM
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No, I just like to write :) I'm 14, definitely NOT a teacher.

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post #7 of 7 Old 08-26-2013, 02:23 AM
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OK, are you kidding me? RememberPearl was a troll and I typed up that critique for her? Well then...

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