Comments welcome on this poem
   

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Comments welcome on this poem

This is a discussion on Comments welcome on this poem within the Horse Stories and Poems forums, part of the Horse Pictures, Videos, Artwork, and Contests category

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    • 1 Post By Chokolate

     
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        07-22-2013, 04:47 PM
      #1
    Banned
    Comments welcome on this poem

    This is the first poem I have ever written.
    Thunder
    The earth shakes
    And clouds rumble and spark
    As wild horses from the past
    Gallop in the heavens
    They cause the cloud to spark
    As there hooves touch the ground
    They set the earth a glow
    With each powerful step
    The there is peace
    As the horses settle
    To graze beside still
    Waters
         
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        07-25-2013, 08:12 PM
      #2
    Foal
    I really love your poem. Even though it does not rhyme it is very unique and I love it.
         
        07-25-2013, 10:55 PM
      #3
    Yearling
    Very beautiful!! I would rhyme it just for it to 'flow' better but it is still very very good.
         
        07-27-2013, 05:21 AM
      #4
    Yearling
    That's lovely, and you capture the movement and scene beautifully without being too obvious about it, if you know what I mean.

    Some things I noticed (and I'm being picky):

    Misspelling of 'their'
    Repetition of the word 'spark'
    'Aglow' is one word, not two

    Work on getting the 'flow' of the piece right - this is very very important in all writing but particularly in a poem. It's hard to explain because each person's writing style means that there'll be different flow, but try reading it out loud. Does it fall out of your mouth easily or does it sound awkward? In a poem, every single syllable counts, and needs to be carefully chosen, both for meaning and for the 'sound' of it, the emphasis of each syllable. Work on the parameter of each line for a more even kind of poem. For example: Two households, both alike in dignity (the first line to the prologue of Romeo and Juliet) is written in iambic parameter, which has emphasis on every second syllable. Even in a free verse poem, as this is, the lines still need follow each other in rhythm, and the lines shouldn't break up the poem awkwardly but emphasise the rhythm. A new line isn't something you just start because it looks like a good place. It needs to work with the lines before it.

    Lastly, is there a reason the last word 'waters' is on a new line? It isn't part of a new idea and probably should be on the line above :)

    Again, lovely poem!
    xJumperx likes this.
         
        07-30-2013, 09:22 PM
      #5
    Yearling
    ^^
    Are you an English teacher?!? Very impressive feedback!!!
         
        08-01-2013, 04:10 AM
      #6
    Yearling
    No, I just like to write :) I'm 14, definitely NOT a teacher.
         
        08-26-2013, 02:23 AM
      #7
    Yearling
    OK, are you kidding me? RememberPearl was a troll and I typed up that critique for her? Well then...
         

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