Comments welcome on this poem
 
 

       The Horse Forum > Horse Pictures, Videos, Artwork, and Contests > Horse Stories and Poems

Comments welcome on this poem

This is a discussion on Comments welcome on this poem within the Horse Stories and Poems forums, part of the Horse Pictures, Videos, Artwork, and Contests category

    Like Tree1Likes
    • 1 Post By Chokolate

     
    LinkBack Thread Tools
        07-22-2013, 05:47 PM
      #1
    Banned
    Comments welcome on this poem

    This is the first poem I have ever written.
    Thunder
    The earth shakes
    And clouds rumble and spark
    As wild horses from the past
    Gallop in the heavens
    They cause the cloud to spark
    As there hooves touch the ground
    They set the earth a glow
    With each powerful step
    The there is peace
    As the horses settle
    To graze beside still
    Waters
         
    Sponsored Links
    Advertisement
     
        07-25-2013, 09:12 PM
      #2
    Foal
    I really love your poem. Even though it does not rhyme it is very unique and I love it.
         
        07-25-2013, 11:55 PM
      #3
    Yearling
    Very beautiful!! I would rhyme it just for it to 'flow' better but it is still very very good.
         
        07-27-2013, 06:21 AM
      #4
    Yearling
    That's lovely, and you capture the movement and scene beautifully without being too obvious about it, if you know what I mean.

    Some things I noticed (and I'm being picky):

    Misspelling of 'their'
    Repetition of the word 'spark'
    'Aglow' is one word, not two

    Work on getting the 'flow' of the piece right - this is very very important in all writing but particularly in a poem. It's hard to explain because each person's writing style means that there'll be different flow, but try reading it out loud. Does it fall out of your mouth easily or does it sound awkward? In a poem, every single syllable counts, and needs to be carefully chosen, both for meaning and for the 'sound' of it, the emphasis of each syllable. Work on the parameter of each line for a more even kind of poem. For example: Two households, both alike in dignity (the first line to the prologue of Romeo and Juliet) is written in iambic parameter, which has emphasis on every second syllable. Even in a free verse poem, as this is, the lines still need follow each other in rhythm, and the lines shouldn't break up the poem awkwardly but emphasise the rhythm. A new line isn't something you just start because it looks like a good place. It needs to work with the lines before it.

    Lastly, is there a reason the last word 'waters' is on a new line? It isn't part of a new idea and probably should be on the line above :)

    Again, lovely poem!
    xJumperx likes this.
         
        07-30-2013, 10:22 PM
      #5
    Yearling
    ^^
    Are you an English teacher?!? Very impressive feedback!!!
         
        08-01-2013, 05:10 AM
      #6
    Yearling
    No, I just like to write :) I'm 14, definitely NOT a teacher.
         
        08-26-2013, 03:23 AM
      #7
    Yearling
    OK, are you kidding me? RememberPearl was a troll and I typed up that critique for her? Well then...
         

    Quick Reply
    Please help keep the Horse Forum enjoyable by reporting rude posts.
    Message:
    Options

    Register Now

    In order to be able to post messages on the The Horse Forum forums, you must first register.

    Already have a Horse Forum account?
    Members are allowed only one account per person at the Horse Forum, so if you've made an account here in the past you'll need to continue using that account. Please do not create a new account or you may lose access to the Horse Forum. If you need help recovering your existing account, please Contact Us. We'll be glad to help!

    New to the Horse Forum?
    Please choose a username you will be satisfied with using for the duration of your membership at the Horse Forum. We do not change members' usernames upon request because that would make it difficult for everyone to keep track of who is who on the forum. For that reason, please do not incorporate your horse's name into your username so that you are not stuck with a username related to a horse you may no longer have some day, or use any other username you may no longer identify with or care for in the future.

    User Name:
    Password
    Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
    Password:
    Confirm Password:
    Email Address
    Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
    Email Address:

    Log-in

    Human Verification

    In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.


    Old Thread Warning
    This thread is more than 90 days old. When a thread is this old, it is often better to start a new thread rather than post to it. However, If you feel you have something of value to add to this particular thread, you can do so by checking the box below before submitting your post.

    Thread Tools

    Similar Threads
    Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
    I know the breed do you, after 6 comments i will tell you badger101 Horse Breeds 12 01-05-2013 10:16 AM
    Need your comments on that colt oxalie Horse Conformation Critique 5 07-09-2012 10:14 PM
    Your Comments on This horse please? Ladywantsahorse Horses for Sale 4 12-28-2009 01:48 AM
    Look at these comments... BluMagic Horse Tack and Equipment 13 03-18-2008 03:25 PM



    All times are GMT -4. The time now is 08:46 PM.


    Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.5
    Copyright ©2000 - 2014, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
    Search Engine Friendly URLs by vBSEO 3.6.0