Constructive Criticism please
   

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Constructive Criticism please

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        06-17-2008, 03:33 PM
      #1
    Super Moderator
    Constructive Criticism please

    The power had gone out around 11 p.m. Just as the early summer storm was displaying its mightiest fury. Samantha Cameron lay in bed beside her husband of ten years feigning sleep for what seemed like eternity as she listened to the thunder and wind raging outside there third story apartment. She listened to his steady breathing, gauging how deeply he slept. As a detective for the city police department most of his days were spent scouring through endless witness statements, interviewing victims and questioning potential suspects or filling out endless forms of documentation, but lately too many of his days had been filled with violence and heartache. It seemed like the more bad he endured the further away he drifted from her. It was getting harder and harder to reach him through the stone wall he had been slowly erecting around his heart. It wasn’t like him to lock himself inside the way he had, the sparkle in his eyes had seemed to dim and it made her ache inside to know that he was hurting so badly, yet refusing to lean on her. Wasn’t that part of marriage? To lend each other strength, to feel for each other?
    Sam slid carefully out of the bed, turning her pillow sideways before tip toeing across the room and easing out the door. She squeezed her eyes shut as she pushed the door closed, waiting for it to squeak. It didn’t. She stared at the closed door wishing she had taken a moment to catch one last glimpse of her one and only true love. She stood just outside the bedroom rubbing her thick strawberry blonde braid between her thumb and forefinger desperately fighting the increased panic rising within.
    It wasn’t until the night of their tenth wedding anniversary that things had gotten so out of control. It had been a fairytale evening with dinner and wine, the most velvety roses she’d ever seen; that perfect little red dress and those strappy black heeled sandals accented with tiny rhinestones. Sharing a piece of chocolate cake they’d picked up the same conversation that they’d had so many times before only this time it was different. Sam had told him, at twenty eight, she was as ready as she’d ever be to start their family. That night actually, had been her plan and that’s when he’d proclaimed his change of heart. He was breaking his promise. The one he’d made so many years ago, when they’d run away from home to get married the night they graduated from high school. He had changed his mind. He no longer had the desire to bring a child into this world. He had decided there was too much ugliness. He had decided. It had been his decision, not hers. That decision had caused so many arguments and disagreements that ended in hurt feelings and angry words they’d become two strangers sharing an apartment. She had long since stopped waiting up at night for him just as he had stopped calling for no specific reason in the middle of the day, she even stopped cooking his dinners for him. They used to enjoy evening horseback rides together although it had been months since either of them had been to the stables at the same time. That one decision had changed everything.
    Jason Cameron was a good man, until recently, he was a loving man. He was honest and loyal. He was a man of his word. She knew he’d be faithful until his dying day and that’s why, at this point, after all the fighting and arguing, the broken promises; it was the broken promises that hurt the worst, their just didn’t seem like anything was left to do, but leave. She knew he wouldn’t. No matter how bad things got, he’d stay. And he’d never ask her to leave. So, just as he’d made the decision to live a life without children, she’d made the decision to leave. She turned away and ran down the short hallway to the door grabbing her shoes and keys as she raced down the steps into the stormy night.
         
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        06-18-2008, 09:46 AM
      #2
    Super Moderator
    ...so.... it sucks?
         
        06-18-2008, 10:26 AM
      #3
    Started
    Is there more???? You got me interested
         
        06-18-2008, 10:40 AM
      #4
    Super Moderator
    Her car was packed. Her tank was full and school was out for the summer. Since she was a teacher, she had the next three months to get settled and find a new job. She’d withdrawn three thousand dollars from their joint bank account. It would have to be enough to get to where she was going. She steered her old silver Volvo towards the highway and settled in for the drive hoping adrenaline would keep her awake long enough to make it to a good break point.
    She made it to the state line. There was a small truckers motel a few miles into the next state. It had a well lit parking lot and was attached to a small diner. She found a space under a light post and ran into the lobby. A gentleman of Hispanic descent sat behind the counter eating a piece of blueberry pie. He was wearing an old t-shirt that read “Cowboys do it best”. It was four o’clock in the morning, she was exhausted.
    “I’d like a room please.” She set her purse on the counter and dug into a side compartment for some money. She’d spread the cash out into as many different places as she could think of, afraid she’d lose it or that it might get stolen. She pulled out two twenty’s assuming the bill for a room would be less.
    “Smoking or Non?” The man at the register asked. His Mexican accent was almost undetectable under the western twang.
    She asked for Non. “I need a credit card.” He motioned to the money in her hand. “You can pay cash but I need to take a credit card, I won’t charge you until check out.”
    “I don’t have a credit card.” She smiled the sweetest smile she could muster, hoping he couldn’t see the lie in her eyes. Jason always insisted he could tell what she was thinking. He used to compare the blue in her eyes to the ocean. He said he could see the waves crashing when she was angry and the soft ripples when she was sad. She shook her head. “Could I please pay cash?”
    Sam could tell by the look on his face that he knew she was lying. “You drive a Volvo but you have no credit card?” He handed her a key. “Give me your driver’s license. I’ll hold it until you check out. It’s the best I’ll do for you.”
    That wouldn’t do. Jason was a detective. If he wanted to find her, it would take no time at all. She couldn’t leave a trail. She had left him. She was staying gone, even if it ripped her heart out. “I guess I’ll just drive on, thank you.” She handed back the key and headed for the door.
    “Wait.” He walked around the counter and held out the key. “Are you in trouble?” He asked. “I need to know, if you’re staying in my motel, I need to know.”
    Sam caught her braid and pulled it over her shoulder, twisting it with her hands. “No. I’m not in trouble, not really, I’m just on my own.” She told him, immediately wishing she hadn’t. What was wrong with her? She knew better than to tell someone that she was alone, especially someone that had a master key to her motel room! He must have seen the fear in her eyes because he smiled and returned to his pie.
    “I have a wife and five children sleeping in the apartment.” He motioned behind him while shoveling the last few crumbs of pie into his mouth.
    In the room Sam sat on the edge of the bed feeling drained. The full impact of what she had just done sinking in. She had left her husband with out a word. She hadn’t even left a note. Even worse, she had left without a plan. She didn’t even know where she was going. She lay down and pulled the covers over her shoulders letting the tears stream down her face until sleep overcame her.
         
        06-19-2008, 01:25 PM
      #5
    Trained
    Well Farmpony, you got me. The story seems like it's going to be very iteresting. I like you style of writing.

    If I were you I would carry on. It was rather good.
         
        06-19-2008, 01:34 PM
      #6
    Super Moderator
    I get a little sloppy here... please tell me if I need to change course!


    His cell phone was ringing. Jason could hear it vibrating on his dresser. He forced his eyes open. Sun was streaming through the bedroom window. He rolled over to focus on the alarm clock next to him. It was blinking. The power had gone out! He jolted upright and stumbled out of the bed to his cell phone. The clock on the front of the small black phone read 6:45 am. He’d slept in. Cursing loudly he flipped open the phone. “Give me twenty minutes.” He croaked in a sleepy voice.
    “You can have an hour. I slept in too.” A soft feminine voice responded. He grunted, snapping the phone shut. Lindsey Gray, his partner lived in the same apartment complex. He should have assumed she’d lost power too. On his way to the shower he glanced out the bedroom window and that’s when he realized Sam’s car was not in its usual space. He scanned the parking lot, the car was gone. Curious where she’d have gone so early in the morning, especially without waking him up first, he headed for the kitchen. There was no note on the refrigerator. He checked the counter tops and the kitchen table. She always left a note. A knot formed in the pit of his stomach. Something wasn’t right.
    In the bedroom he yanked open the door to her closet. Empty. She’d even taken the hangers. He pulled the top drawer of her dresser so hard that it came completely out. He dropped the empty drawer on the floor. His stomach was aching.
    After a five minute shower he was in his truck and headed to Cloverleaf stables. It was situated just a few miles from Clover hills Apartment Complex and was one of the amenities offered to tenants for a small fee. He raced into the barn. Both horses occupied their respective stalls. His horse Traveler greeted him with a friendly sniffle and snort while Sam’s horse China Doll nuzzled his hand looking for treats. The stable hands were just beginning to feed horses on the other end of the barn. He found Beth Cuddlam, the manager. Her back was to him as she picked a stall.
    “I want notes posted on my stalls and in my files. Those horses do not leave this facility without my permission. Is that clear?” He must have sounded gruff because she dropped her pitchfork and nearly jumped out of her skin. Not wanting to give her any details he turned to go.
    “She left.” When Beth made that simple statement, the knot in his gut twisted and he felt sick. He faced the tiny red head feeling like he might explode at any moment. She and Sam had become very close over the years, although Jason had met her first, when he’d scoped the area out after he’d been accepted into the police enrollment program a few months before graduation. She had been in high school herself at the time, she was a little on the nerdy side, big into marching band, in love with horses, and terrified of boys. She was enthralled by the romantic aspect of Sam and Jason’s life. Her parents owned the apartment complex so it was easy for her to help them orchestrate their escape from the small farming town they’d been born and raised in by skipping them to the head of the waiting list for a stall and getting them accepted into the First Start program that guaranteed rent controlled apartments. Of course she would have known about their marital problems with as much time as his wife spent with the horses. Sam would have told her.
    Sam’s parents had never liked him, they’d interfered every way imaginable, including forbidding her to date him. It hadn’t stopped them. In fact, it had made them want each other that much more and was quite possibly the driving factor in their decision to have sex on her sixteenth birthday. His parents had always known about their secret romance, the entire town had. His parents adored Samantha Lang. His father had even loaned him the horse trailer that night because Sam had been so afraid her father would sell her Arabian mare when he found out what they’d done.
    He turned on his heels and headed for his truck. He was late for work. Lindsey was standing beside her car when he pulled into the parking lot.
    “I thought I was driving this week.” She took time to glare at him before climbing into the truck beside him and shoving her gray and pink duffle bag at her feet. She had always been a little short on the temper.
    “I’ve been waiting for ten minutes.” She complained through the rubber band clamped between her teeth as she pulled her thick black hair into a pony tale. She had on a tight pair of faded blue jeans with a rip in one knee and a thin white tank top. It was her small athletic build and soft curves that had Jason the envy of the department for snagging such a sexy partner. He’d been relieved when Sam had taken to Lindsey so quickly. They had immediately become the ultimate girlfriends, renting chick flicks and shopping at the mall. It should have been a blessing but it turned out to be a constant source of frustration by erasing the line between work and home.
    “Slow down!” Lindsey yelped. She yanked on her seatbelt as he peeled out of the parking lot, sending the contents of her open duffle bag spilling across the floorboard of the truck.
    “**** it Cameron! You are getting on my last nerve!” She bent down picking up various items. “What is wrong with you?” She shoved a compact into a side compartment, grabbing a handful of loose change from the floorboard she held open her hand to pick out pieces of dirt and straw only to send it scattering when the truck lurched as he took a turn just a little too fast. “Jason.” She growled slamming objects into her bag. “You know I can’t stand the silent treatment!” She waved a tampon at him pulling the duffle bag into her lap, stuffing her gym shoes in before zipping it shut. She waved the tampon again. “Either spill it or drop it because I’m not spending my…” She held the tampon up, making a face at it. She unzipped the bag and shoved it in. “not spending my day like this.” She completed her statement in a less severe tone.
    “Later.” He forced the word out through the pressure in his throat. He felt drained. He was confused and lost. He felt like he should have known she was leaving, he sent a searing look towards his partner, something told him she knew. He should have stopped her. He felt like he should be kicking mad or crying sad yet all he could feel was sick to his stomach. He knew he should be hunting her down, yet he was headed to work as if it were a normal day. Maybe it was shock.
         
        06-19-2008, 01:46 PM
      #7
    Showing
    Really good so far, keep it up!!
         
        06-19-2008, 08:48 PM
      #8
    Weanling
    Really really good, I like it so far, nice job, 8)
         
        06-20-2008, 07:36 AM
      #9
    Started
    I think it sounds really good
         
        06-20-2008, 07:55 AM
      #10
    Green Broke
    Wow.......

    I want more. I love it.
         

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