Constructive Criticism please - Page 2

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Constructive Criticism please

This is a discussion on Constructive Criticism please within the Horse Stories and Poems forums, part of the Horse Pictures, Videos, Artwork, and Contests category

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        06-20-2008, 03:42 PM
    Super Moderator
    The room was shaking. There was a rumble outside that sounded like the revving of a big engine. Sam rolled towards the right side of the bed. Jason’s side of the bed. She sat up with a start. It all came rushing back. The long drive, the terrible rainstorm, crossing the state line, and finally ending up at the tiny motel. She’d done it. She had left the only man she’d ever loved. Sitting in this strange room all alone, missing him so badly made everything suddenly seem so wrong. She hugged her knees close to her body wondering what to do now. She hadn’t planned this out as well as she should have. She never really thought she’d go through with it and now here she was. In a motel. Halfway to nowhere.
    After a long shower, Sam took time to blow dry her golden locks and apply a light dusting of make-up before slipping into a comfortable pink and white sweat suit. She thanked the women at the desk when she turned in her key and accepted the free jelly filled donut that was offered to her on the way out the door. She took a deep breath of asphalt scented air and couldn’t help but smile as she took the drivers seat. She knew where she was going. The only place she could go. She was going home, to Crabtree lane. To her mother and father, the people she’d walked away from so many years before. She was going back to her old life. To the place she grew up. The only other place in the world that she knew she could belong without the man that had defined her for so many years.
    Once the decision to return to Destiny had been made, the miles seemed to disintegrate as dotted lines turned to solid and sturdy highway faded into winding country roads. The scenery became less foreign and more familiar with every turn until she entered the county line. Butterflies danced in her stomach as she drove passed endless farms and sporadic housing developments. There was a new high school and a middle school was added so that it no longer shared space with the elementary school. She stopped at the single light on Main Street. The Courthouse looked small, dwarfed by the solid Oak trees surrounding it. There was a Dairy Queen that hadn’t been there before and a movie rental store, a few gas stations, but all in all, the town hadn’t changed. She turned onto Robinson drive unconsciously lifting her foot slightly off the accelerator. The closer she came to that final turn onto Crabtree lane the slower she wanted to go. It had been ten years since she’d left. She’d spoken to her parents over the phone and e-mail, she’d sent letters and postcards, but she hadn’t spoken to anyone else from the town accept Jason’s family, who had visited several times. He’d visited them as well but she had always found some reason to stay behind. She remembered to send every Christmas and birthday card for her parents and brother, and they had returned the favors but because she was a little ashamed by the way she’d done things, she allowed herself to become more and more estranged from them. Jason had never agreed with that, he’d always said that they’d love her forever, no matter who she’d chosen to spend the rest of her life with. He’d never been angry or hurt by the way they’d turned their noses at him. It was strange the way they’d disliked him because they were normally such open hearted loving people. Jason always insisted it was because she was their little girl and it wouldn’t have mattered if he’d been a millionaire’s son rather then the youngest son of Dirk Cameron, local rancher and lady’s man. He swore they’d hate him anyway and he promised he’d show them how much he adored her someday. That was Jason though, big hearted Jason. She wondered where that man had gone and when he’d become the quiet, withdrawn, distant man that came home to her every night. And now, here she was running like a scared little rabbit to the parents she had left, knowing that they would take her in because that’s the kind of people Jason always insisted her parents were.
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        07-01-2008, 01:44 PM
    First off thank you so much for the help with my post.

    I like your story especially since the mare's name is China Doll, that's my horse's name hahahaha.

    I would like to see more horses in it maybe, that's all I really got but other than that it's really good.
        07-01-2008, 02:03 PM
    Super Moderator
    I want to get them back into the home town they were raised in and back on "the farm" but I'm trying to figure out how to get them there... because obviously they ahve to fall in love all over again.... UGH! So stuck...
        07-01-2008, 02:30 PM
    Ahhhh writer's block

    That's cursed thing. Lol.

    Yeah i'm kinda stuck with mine too. But your's is going great so far. Can't wait to read the final thing
        07-21-2008, 05:37 PM
    this is the best work!

    you really need to do more..... omg I love addicting. Please write more! Your writing style is vivid and a word, perfect!
        07-22-2008, 04:24 PM
    Super Moderator
    Oh! Thankyou... I will start working on it ASAP!
        07-27-2008, 03:17 PM
    Green Broke
    Have you heard of National Novel Writers Month? Its in November. I'm signed up for it and from what others said its a blast and crazy. Its where you try to write a 50,000 word novel in 30 days to get a rough draft. Its suppose to help get ideas flowing because you don't have time to perfect anything - just write and write and see where the story takes you. Then December is edit month.
        07-28-2008, 10:08 AM
    Super Moderator
    That sounds really cool! You just scribble it all down and then go back and re-read / edit the next month?
        07-28-2008, 04:03 PM
    Super Moderator
    They were sitting at the kitchen table, Samantha, Her mom, and Donovan Lang, her father. Loretta had hastily thrown together sandwiches, cutting the crust off and slicing them two ways to make tiny squares, she even heated some tomato soup. Sam used her spoon to create a tiny wake in the red liquid. She hadn’t planned on saying much about the split, maybe just mentioning a little planned alone time. She had wanted to work through her emotions before making any intentions known, yet with very little prompting she found herself talking about Jason and her dreams and how over the years their desires had become separate entities. She told her parents how she saved her spending money so that she wouldn’t leave him in a bind when she left and how she had waited for the school year to end so that she would have the summer to find a new job and to get settled. She even mentioned how she hadn’t really known where she was headed until she woke up at the motel with an overwhelming need to be home, with them, where she’d feel safe and loved. She cried when she talked about the night of graduation and how she’d never meant to hurt them and how she had missed them terribly and the way Jason used to insist she call them or write, just something to let them know she cared.
    Loretta and Donovan both insisted there was nothing to forgive because over the years, they found a way to understand and respect her decisions. She could feel the hidden tensions but chose to ignore them, wanting to believe the picture perfect reunion her parents were trying so hard to give her. She shocked herself by telling them it was over. She even used the word divorce. They sat silently at the table staring at their soup. Her father stood and walked to the window, his hands clasped behind his back.
    “Where are you planning to live?” She knew he meant, was she moving back to Destiny.
    “I don’t know, I never thought I’d actually leave.” She sighed heavily, picking up her bowl of soup and rinsing it in the kitchen sink. “Here, I think.” Adding, “If I can find a job.”
    Her father removed his glasses, wiping them with a red bandanna. “You’ll work at the diner until you can find something, schools around her are always short handed, finding a teaching job won’t be hard.” He started to add something but stopped short. Sam glanced at her mom trying to catch a silent warning but if there had been one, she’d missed it.
    “Will you stay here?” her mother asked tentatively. She was nervously ringing a napkin with her hands.
    “I hadn’t planned to.” Seeing the look of despair cross her mothers face she quickly added. “But I haven’t found a hotel yet either. Maybe I could stay here while I find a house to rent?” She sat next to her mother. “I just want to be on my own. I mean, really on my own.” She smiled and took the napkin from her mothers hands. “I want to see if I can make it on my own.”
        07-29-2008, 03:59 PM
    Super Moderator
    ...Am I making her parents too understanding???

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