Constructive Criticism please - Page 3

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Constructive Criticism please

This is a discussion on Constructive Criticism please within the Horse Stories and Poems forums, part of the Horse Pictures, Videos, Artwork, and Contests category

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    08-15-2008, 01:14 AM
Well youve got me hooked
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    08-19-2008, 05:24 PM
Super Moderator
Gonna work on this some more... I don't want to make people too forgiving.... and too perfect.....
    01-27-2009, 10:07 PM
Super Moderator
“Will you stay here?” her mother asked tentatively. She was nervously ringing a napkin with her hands.
“I hadn’t planned to.” Seeing the look of despair cross her mothers face she quickly added. “But I haven’t found a hotel yet either. Maybe I could stay here while I find a house to rent?” She sat next to her mother. “I just want to be on my own. I mean, really on my own.” She smiled and took the napkin from her mothers hands. “I want to see if I can make it on my own." She thought about adding that she was afraid they would fall back into where they were when they left off ten years ago, with all the fighting, screaming, and slamming doors. Things seemed so nice right now, tense, but... nice. She wanted it to stay that way.

"I'm not sure being handed a job at the diner is what I meant by making it on my own, but... Yes daddy. I'll take you up on that offer. I'll even start tomorrow if that's alright with you." She grinned. Maybe things were going to be ok. Maybe her heart would continue to beat without Jason and maybe she wouldn't forget to breath. And with those two tiny thoughts the bubble burst and her stomach dropped making her feel empty inside all over again. She faked a smile as she helped her father lug suitcases into her old bedroom which was amazingly the same as the day she'd left it. The pink flowery bedspread had been replaced with a patchwork quilt and there were white lacy curtains, she didn’t remember those.
There was a bulletin board that had movie ticket stubs and some photographs. Ribbons from 4-H shows lined the walls and there was a poster of a boy band that had long since broken up. She picked up a tiny glass figurine and ran her finger over it. It was a fat little dapple gray pony. Jason had given it to her. She set it down and smiled at her father who had been watching her silently.
He opened his mouth as if he wanted to say something but instead he just smiled and patted her arm before leaving the room and shutting the door behind him.
    01-27-2009, 10:40 PM
Green Broke
Farmpony84, to answer your question "could I write a book?", guess what, you already are. Keep it up, I'm really enjoying it.
    02-01-2009, 12:19 AM
Super Moderator
Thanks! I'm really trying to finish this one... I have so many I've started and never come back to...It's so hard....
    02-01-2009, 12:42 AM
Great story! I've only gotten to 06-20-2008 so far but it's great! I can't wait to read more. But I must go to bed now...
    02-01-2009, 09:42 PM
Just finished.

Great story!!! Keep it up!
    02-03-2009, 05:25 PM
Super Moderator
Here is a little more... I'm really open to constructive critisms. You can be hard on me if you want...

It had been three days since she’d left. It felt like a month. Jason had swung by the stables every morning and every evening just to make sure the horses hadn’t been moved. He’d spent extra time at the gym and his runs had been longer and harder because it seemed like physical exertion was the only thing to control the pain that he felt so deep in his chest. He knew he should go after her, he even knew where she’d gone because his older brother, Jake had called him the day after she’d left. He had seen her in town. He needed her back so why hadn’t he left yet?
Early that afternoon he had dumped all of his remaining reporting requirements on his partner’s desk; he couldn’t concentrate long enough to spell out his own name. Lindsey hadn’t said much to him. He’d been late each morning and grown increasingly angry, yet she waited by his truck every morning. Never commenting on the fact that he’d run stop signs and balled tires. When he asked her to find a ride home because he needed to leave and she agreed without her usual constant nosy questions, he realized she knew. He could see it in her bright green eyes when she gave him that “you poor pitiful man” look. He wasn’t sure if she had known that Sam was leaving, but she definitely knew that Sam had left and that angered him terribly which is why he ignored the relentless banging on the door. He sat at the kitchen table staring at case files he had brought home. He couldn’t concentrate and nothing really made sense to him. This wasn’t like him, he was a man that could make swift decisions in life threatening situations, his reactions were quick and seemingly effortless. So how was this tiny women able to single handedly destroy entire center of gravity?
    02-04-2009, 10:03 AM
Green Broke
More pretty please!

I'm curious, do you have an outline of where you are going? I'm very hooked on this story, so no pressure (haha), but you must finish this!
    02-04-2009, 10:51 AM
Super Moderator
Lol! I don't have an outline... or maybe? I just have pages of various notes and events listed....?

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