Constructive Criticism please - Page 4

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Constructive Criticism please

This is a discussion on Constructive Criticism please within the Horse Stories and Poems forums, part of the Horse Pictures, Videos, Artwork, and Contests category

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        02-04-2009, 11:46 AM
    Green Broke
    Originally Posted by farmpony84    
    lol! I don't have an outline... or maybe? I just have pages of various notes and events listed....?
    Is it possible to organize these events into a rough time line? Also, have you developed the characters on a separate sheet for future reference?
    It's always helpful to have a beginning, middle , and end to a story and then fill in in between. Doesn't lock you in too tightly, but helps you stay true to the heart of the story.

    You're doing great!
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        02-04-2009, 11:48 AM
    Super Moderator
    Thanks. I'll do that. I have some of the characters written down and described and then I have large events but I'll try to get it a little more organized.
        02-04-2009, 05:27 PM
    Super Moderator
    I'M STUCK! Someone tell me if I'm going the right direction. (she is NOT going to hit on him by the way)...

    Early that afternoon he had dumped all of his remaining reporting requirements on his partner’s desk; he couldn’t concentrate long enough to spell out his own name. Lindsey hadn’t said much to him. He’d been late each morning and grown increasingly angry, yet she waited by his truck every morning. Never commenting on the fact that he’d run stop signs and balled tires. When he’d finally decided he had to do something and had asked her to find a ride home she agreed without her usual constant nosy questions. That is when he realized she knew. He could see it in her bright green eyes when she gave him that “you poor pitiful man” look. He wasn’t sure if she had known that Sam was leaving, but she definitely knew that Sam had left and that angered him terribly which is why he ignored the relentless banging on the door. He sat at the kitchen table staring at case files he had brought home. He couldn’t concentrate and nothing really made sense to him. This wasn’t like him, he was a man that could make swift decisions in life threatening situations, his reactions were quick and seemingly effortless. So how was this tiny women able to single handedly destroy his entire center of gravity?
    The clock on the kitchen wall read 6:45. He could hear a key being inserted into the lock on the door. The knob moved and the door flew open. He had known it was Lindsey just as he had known she’d eventually use the spare key hidden above the porch light. Her arms were full with two large brown paper sacks, Chinese food judging by the smell. Jason ran a hand through his dark hair as he watched her kick the door shut with her foot and stumble over the throw rug she’d knocked out of place with the door. She slammed the food on the counter and handed him a paper box without a word. Heading into the kitchen she grabbed a soda from the refrigerator.
    “How long has Sam been gone?” She rummaged through the kitchen drawer for a fork before taking a seat across from him. She pulled her legs up onto the chair and dug into a carton of fried rice. He feigned a confused look. “Gone?” He asked.
    “I’m not stupid. You guys have been having problems for months. It’s not like I’m shocked.” That did it. He wasn’t going to sit here and listen to any speeches or accusations. He stood so fast he knocked the chair out from under himself.
    “You can leave now.” The words were soft but dangerous. He could feel his face redden with anger. She remained seated and continued to eat her dinner. After taking a long slow swig of her soda she glanced at the stone faced man before her. He stood with his legs in a fighter’s stance. His fist were balled as if to contain the rage. The fabric of Navy blue t-shirt stretched taught against his rock hard frame. He really was a handsome man. But he was someone else’s man.
        02-11-2009, 12:22 PM
    I think it sounds good. I think it's going in a good direction. Maybe throw a twist in and have his wife come back and leave again? Not sure if you are asking where to go from here or just if you are heading in the right direction.

    Ooor have her turn up pregnant and after being upset he ends up happy?

    I dunno! I don't wanna tell the story for you!
        02-11-2009, 08:34 PM
    I'm really enjoying this Farmpony, but SOMEONE has to have an affair. Sam must have an old childhood sweetheart.
        02-12-2009, 11:57 AM
    Super Moderator
    Uh oh... you want an affair...???? Hmm... maybe I can come up with something....
        02-22-2009, 06:22 PM
    Green Broke
    Sometimes temptation that comes very close to changing someones life can actually help redirect what they really want in life.
        02-22-2009, 09:18 PM
    Super Moderator
        03-13-2009, 10:11 PM
    Oh Farmpony..... you can't leave us hanging forever..............
        03-13-2009, 10:24 PM
    We want more!! We want more!! We want more!!

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