Constructive Criticism please - Page 5

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Constructive Criticism please

This is a discussion on Constructive Criticism please within the Horse Stories and Poems forums, part of the Horse Pictures, Videos, Artwork, and Contests category

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    03-13-2009, 11:31 PM
MORE! I demand it!
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    03-14-2009, 12:00 PM
We need more!!
    03-14-2009, 11:14 PM
More more more!!!!!!!!!!!!please
    04-21-2009, 10:12 AM
What everyone else said! Haha
    04-22-2009, 10:17 PM
This is the first time I've read a novel online that really was publishing quality. Have you taken courses on writing? This is fabulous! Great description, and I love the style. Please keep up the excellent work!
    04-22-2009, 10:24 PM
Super Moderator
You guys are making me blush! I took creative writing classes in college but my teacher didn't like my writing much! I'm going to start working on this again tomorrow.... I'm so excited! Thanks guys....
    04-28-2009, 07:30 PM
Your welcome we hope to see more
    05-20-2009, 05:40 PM
Super Moderator
“You can leave now.” The words were soft but dangerous. He could feel his face redden with anger. She remained seated and continued to eat her dinner. After taking a long slow swig of her soda she glanced at the stone faced man before her. He stood with his legs in a fighter’s stance. His fist were balled as if to contain the rage. The fabric of Navy blue t-shirt stretched taught against his rock hard frame. He really was a handsome man. But he was someone else’s man. And Lindsey was not the kind of man to fool with another women’s property. She set her food carton down and stood, brushing a few stray pieces of fried rice from her t-shirt before stepping up to the stone man before her. She stood a mere inch from his chest, her chin tilted to an angle that had her eyes just level with the bridge of his nose.
Using the same dangerously quiet tone he had just moments before, she said.
“I will leave when I’ve finished the discussion I came here to have.” She paused temporarily loosing her confidence just a tad she stepped back until she was in a more comfortable position, feet rather then inches from that powerful frame.
She sucked in a deep breath and began the lecture she had practices all the way from the Chinese restaurant and back to the Cameron apartment.
“You are my partner and we have a dangerous job. That means that my life is in your hands eight to ten hours a day. Sometimes more. Most of the time I am very comfortable with that idea, I have full trust in you and your capabilities. But these days you aren’t even on this planet. I’m not done living Jase. I haven’t even ever been in love before and I’m not about to let you take that away from me when you make some rookie mistake because you’re pining over a women that you lost because you are a stupid stupid man!” Ok, she thought, judging by the look in his eyes, she may have gone just a teensy bit over board with the stupid stupid man comment. But that was the description Sam always used to explain why she was so angry with him. She had never gone into any details, she’d only ever said that he was a “stupid stupid man” and Lindsey had never pushed, not really knowing how the boundaries between partner and friend should work. Who do you side with? The man that backs you up in the most dangerous of situations, or the women that you sit beside on the bleachers and rank the tightness of butts while watching the interagency police baseball game?
    05-20-2009, 05:43 PM
Super Moderator
He stood there, frozen for so long she started to wonder if he’d lost the power to blink. He was so still that she wasn’t quite sure if he was even breathing, although his face had turned several more shades of red, which she wouldn’t have thought possible. He was actually bordering on purple at this point.
    05-22-2009, 04:08 PM
Farmpony - You're story is pretty darn good! I like how you are starting to flesh out the characters nicely.

You asked if the parents were too understanding, in answer to your question, NO they're not. You've made it clear there's an underlying tension with them and their daughter, that they're not sure how to approach her or her situation but they are doing what many parents will do with their adult child - offer help as best they can.

I like how you have Jason's partner is coming around nicely. As someone who has worked in the emergency services I can tell you that you develop a very strong bond with your partner. It is something that borders on the trust, commitment and understanding that goes into a marriage. You know how to push, and back off, all at just the right times and you can get away with saying a LOT of crap to them that you couldn't say to anyone else (like when she gets up in his face and lectures him about being stupid). It happens allllll the time! But, just like any good commited relationship, we kiss and make up (not literally LOL) and understand that while a little calous in the approach our partner was only being honest.

Keep it coming! I love your use of sensory input, all the sounds and sights and smells and small, minute details you throw in to make someone feel like they are truly there. I can't wait to find out what has happened on the job that was the catalyst in Jason's change of personality...or maybe he's just been doing it for so long he's burning out? My husband can be distanced when it concerns hard, traumatic calls just like your Jason (must be the name LOL). It usually only lasts until the next morning, going to sleep at night is like hitting a reset button for him, but he becomes very quiet and withdrawn. It's hard to see the horror of the streets day after day, trust me I know. I worked EMS in NYC. :)

Ah, I'm rambling! Wonderful job and keep it coming, I'm dying to see what comes next. If you need any "real life" input let me know. Authors always have actual sources they go to for their subject matter on certain things to make sure they have all the facts about how something works. Feel free to PM me!

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