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Constructive Criticism please

This is a discussion on Constructive Criticism please within the Horse Stories and Poems forums, part of the Horse Pictures, Videos, Artwork, and Contests category

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        05-22-2009, 03:16 PM
      #51
    Super Moderator
    Draftlover your input was awesome! Thanks, and I will PM you for advice! You hit it right on too... It is something on the job that brought forth the change....
         
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        05-22-2009, 06:24 PM
      #52
    Foal
    Good to see my couple of semesters as an English major paid off! LOL :)
         
        05-22-2009, 06:31 PM
      #53
    Foal
    It rocks!!!!
         
        05-28-2009, 04:51 PM
      #54
    Started
    Amazing!
         
        06-12-2009, 03:58 PM
      #55
    Super Moderator
    He stood there, frozen for so long that she started to wonder if he’d lost the power to blink. He was so still that she wasn’t quite sure if he was even breathing, although his face had turned several more shades of red, which she wouldn’t have thought possible. He was actually bordering on purple at this point. And then he crumpled. For less then an instant he shattered. His eyes glazed, his mouth drooped, his body shook. It happened so quickly that she almost missed it. In just about the same amount of time that it would take to blink an eye, his composure was gone. Yet in less then a breath he was back, sturdy and strong. In that short instant Lindsey saw the damage he had suffered the night his wife of ten years had walked out on him. At that moment she knew, she had been out of line speaking to him that way. She set her food carton down and headed to the door.
    “Wait.” He…… AGH! I’m Stuck….
         
        07-28-2009, 05:01 PM
      #56
    Super Moderator
    “Wait.” She turned. He was still in the same statue like position he had been in moments before. Had he really asked her to wait or had she imagined it. “I don’t know what she wants me to do.” He sat at the table staring at the food in front of him.
    “I think she wants you to be happy.” Lindsey whispered before turning to walk out the door. He didn’t watch her go, he just sat there, staring at a plate of Chinese food. He picked up his plastic fork, shoved it deep into the rice and then dropped it in the nearest trash can. He wasn’t hungry. He looked around the empty house not really seeing anything. The TV was dark but he had too much energy to sit still long enough to watch a program. There were dishes in the sink, but he didn’t have the right kind of energy to clean them. He decided to go for a run.
         
        07-28-2009, 11:50 PM
      #57
    Started
    Wow, I still love it! I'm glad that you started it again, I was afraid you'd abandoned it!
         
        07-29-2009, 12:30 AM
      #58
    Started
    Yay Farmpony is back with more of this story!

    Love it. I'm a creative writing major, so if you want to discuss it you can PM me or you have AIM I can give you my sn. Love your voice and your style, and its very consistent. Lots of character development, which I like. There are a few things I would change, but it's a work in progress draft. Keep it up! :]
         
        08-04-2009, 04:59 PM
      #59
    Super Moderator
    “I think she wants you to be happy.” Lindsey whispered before turning to walk out the door. He didn’t watch her go, he just sat there, staring at a plate of Chinese food. He picked up his plastic fork, shoved it deep into the rice and then dropped it in the nearest trash can. He wasn’t hungry. He looked around the empty house not really seeing anything. The TV was dark but he had too much energy to sit still long enough to watch a program. There were dishes in the sink, but he didn’t have the right kind of energy to clean them. He decided to go for a run.
    He ran seven miles that night before dragging himself up the steps and forcing himself to take a shower before dropping into bed, too exhausted to think. He slept without dreams that night. When morning came he rolled out of bed and went through motions feeling lost and empty inside. He knew what he needed to do, he just wasn’t sure if he should.
    Later that afternoon Jason had followed Lindsey’s lead on a potential murder suspect. The victim had been a heroin addict who had just been released from a rehab institution. He had been a low-life just out of his teens, but a life that maybe could have been redirected. Jason swore he would die believing that people could be saved, if they wanted it bad enough. Scum bag or not, the victim deserved justice. The suspect was a known dealer of low quality drugs and was known to sell during his shift as a convenience store clerk. His partner waited in the alley, just outside the backdoor, hand on her gun and prepared for a fight has he entered the front door and walked straight up to the counter.
    “Eddie Mills?” He asked the sandy haired kid standing behind the register. He had a smattering of freckles across the bridge of his nose and wide blue eyes. He looked like your average everyday skate-boarding teenager with his oversized long sleeved shirt and his suede tennis shoes. Jason knew he wasn’t. Not only was he much older then he looked, but he was dangerous. Lindsey had told Jason he would run and she was right. The “kid” shoved a rack of cigarettes at Jason and leapt over the counter. Leaving the bell above the door clanging as he made his escape.
    Jason cursed loudly. “I didn’t even get to show him my badge.” He grumbled as he took off in pursuit. He yelled for his partner as he raced across the street. Eddie was fast for a scrawny guy. More then likely he wasn’t a user, which meant he was probably in pretty good physical shape. Jason picked up the speed a notch and darted around a stroller, almost knocking a kid off of a bicycle. Where did all these people come from? Rounding the corner towards an alley he caught up with his suspect, who was finally beginning to tire. Jason gasped when he stepped into a pot hole causing his left ankle to turn in an unnatural way. He leapt forward, tackling the guy hard and saw stars for a moment when the side of his face met the pavement. He laid across the guy while he dug out his handcuffs and shoved them on his wrists.
    “I just wanted a cup of coffee.” He mumbled to the guy. He started to haul him to his feet but thought better of it as a streak of pain seared his left ankle. His stomach turned slightly so he sat on Eddie Mills while he waited for the back-up that he knew Lindsey had called would come. He could actually here the sirens in the distances as he read him the Miranda rights.
    “Good Golly your fast!” Lindsey called out when she turned the corner. “Mr. Mills.” She acknowledged the suspect. “How are you?”
         
        11-02-2009, 05:23 PM
      #60
    Super Moderator
    “Good Golly your fast!” Lindsey called out when she turned the corner. “Mr. Mills.” She acknowledged the suspect. “How are you?” Lindsey cuffed the suspect before yanking him to his feet. Sirens and tire screeches filled the alley with the arrival of back-up.
    “Check him for weapons.” She ordered the officer as she handed the suspect over. She knelt beside her partner. “You OK?” She asked as touched a raw scrape that ran from just above his eye brow to his quickly swelling cheek bone. She heard him let out a hiss and felt someone gently push her out of the way. The EMT’s had come out of nowhere it seemed. There were three of them in dark jackets speaking quietly but firmly while Bobby argued every request they made. The asked the basic questions while one of them, John Tucker, who she had met just last week at another incident, shined a flashlight in Bobby’s eyes.
    “I didn’t hit my head you moron.” Bobby growled. “Just help me up.” He was getting angrier by the minute at all this fuss in the middle of an alley way just because he twisted his ankle stepping off a curve. He’d be fine once he walked it off. John Tucker turned to Lindsey and asked.
    “Do you happen to have a mirror?” This time it was her turn to get angry. What? Because she was a girl she’d carry a mirror wherever she went? He must have realized how his question came across because his blue eyes widened just a fraction and he moved out of the firing range of her clenched fist. He pulled a cell phone from his pocket and snapped a picture.
    “Are you sure you didn’t hit your head?” He asked, handing the phone to Bobby for inspection.
         

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