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Constructive Criticism please

This is a discussion on Constructive Criticism please within the Horse Stories and Poems forums, part of the Horse Pictures, Videos, Artwork, and Contests category

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        11-02-2009, 06:29 PM
      #61
    Started
    Ok... I like where this story is going, but who is Bobby? I thought his name was Jason? Did I miss something completely?

    Also, did Jason or Lindsey cuff the guy?
         
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        11-02-2009, 07:22 PM
      #62
    Weanling
    Oh I love the story but on the last part I have the same questions as posted above. I thought his name was Jason also and I thought he was the one to cuff the guy first???? Keep it up though, I am loving it and I am hooked!
         
        11-02-2009, 08:22 PM
      #63
    Super Moderator
    LMAO! Sorry... I started another story That I havent' posted because I was stuck and his name is Bobby... Sorry about that... OK... Jason, yes his name is Jason! Sorry!!!! I should have read a couple paragraphs before continuing on to refresh my memory! I will fix it!
         
        11-02-2009, 08:24 PM
      #64
    Started
    Lmao, Jenny that's hilarious.

    In any case, I love where the story's going. :]
         
        11-02-2009, 08:28 PM
      #65
    Super Moderator
    Thanks! And your right about the cuffs too... that's what happens when you take too long a break I geuss! Teehee....
         
        11-02-2009, 09:56 PM
      #66
    Super Moderator
    “Good Golly your fast!” Lindsey called out when she turned the corner. “Mr. Mills.” She acknowledged the suspect. “How are you?” Lindsey yanked the him to his feet just asthe sounds of sirens and tire screeches filled the alley with the arrival of back-up.
    “Check him for weapons.” She ordered the officer as she handed the suspect over. She knelt beside her partner. “You OK?” She asked as touched a raw scrape that ran from just above his eye brow to his quickly swelling cheek bone. She heard him let out a hiss and felt someone gently push her out of the way. The EMT’s had come out of nowhere it seemed. There were three of them in dark jackets speaking quietly but firmly while Jason argued every request they made. The basic questions were asked while one of them, John Tucker, who she had met just last week at another incident, shined a flashlight into Jasons eyes.

    “I didn’t hit my head you moron.” Jason growled. “Just help me up.” He was getting angrier by the minute with all this fuss in the middle of an alley way just because he twisted his ankle stepping off a curve. He’d be fine once he walked it off. John Tucker turned to Lindsey and asked.
    “Do you happen to have a mirror?” This time it was her turn to get angry. What? Because she was a girl she’d carry a mirror wherever she went? He must have realized how his question came across because his blue eyes widened just a fraction and he moved out of the firing range of her clenched fist. He pulled a cell phone from his pocket and snapped a picture.
    “Are you sure you didn’t hit your head?” He asked, handing the phone to Jason for inspection. He stopped struggling to stand for a moment before shoving the phone at John. "If you don't help me up I'm going to knock you out." He threatened between gritted teeth.
    "You heard the man. Help him up." The blue eyed paremedic stood back and shoved his hands in his pockets. "When he falls flat on his face, we'll strap him to a back board and haul is butt in." Jason let out a string of curses on the way up, he swayed for an instant but stood his ground.
    "You were saying?" He glared at John Tucker. Lindsey had the distinct feeling that those two men had a history. What she didn't know was if they were rivals or friends. That is until John Tucker threatened to call Sam unless he climbed aboard the ambulance and took a ride to the local ER. That's when she realized he was the first responder Sam had been trying to fix her up with for months. She cocked her head sideways as she watched his tight rear-end forceably guide her partner into the ambulance.
    When the doors to the emergency vehicle closed she flipped her cell phone opened and scrolled through her contacts until she found Sam's name.
         
        11-03-2009, 10:45 PM
      #67
    Foal
    I just found this story but I LOVE IT! Please keep it going!
         
        12-17-2009, 06:27 PM
      #68
    Super Moderator
    Business was booming at Lang Diner on Thursday night. It seems word had spread quickly that a certain member of biggest scandal in the history of Destiny had returned. There wasn’t an empty booth in the establishment, even the old counter stools were filled to capacity. Sam was so busy topping off coffee cups that she hadn’t paid any attention to the clang of the bell as the latest patron walked in, nor had she noticed the sudden silence that followed. That is until she glanced up to give a welcome smile and froze. Her heart skipped a beat for just an instant when her eyes collided with her husbands oldest brother. She gasped when she realized that the coffee she was pouring had overflowed, filling the saucer and spilling onto the counter. She slammed the pot down and ripped the rag from her apron, apologizing to a local rancher.
         
        12-17-2009, 07:11 PM
      #69
    Started
    Yay! I love your stories
         
        12-19-2009, 12:59 AM
      #70
    Green Broke
    THis is an awesome story. Do you know how to do a synopsis? Because you are going to need it.


    The only thing I would change is adding more description in the locations. You need to make the reader feel like they are in the subject's shoes. Which it seems you are going for with the wife. But it's partly blinded. I know what the motel room kind of looked like and her room at the house. But I'd add more about the diner, the apartment, the truck, the stable. That way you feel like you are there.
         

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