Constructive Criticism please - Page 8

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Constructive Criticism please

This is a discussion on Constructive Criticism please within the Horse Stories and Poems forums, part of the Horse Pictures, Videos, Artwork, and Contests category

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        12-19-2009, 12:48 PM
    Super Moderator
    The description is where I'm kind of getting stuck. It's alot harder then I'd think it would be. I can picture everything in my head but it's hard to get it on paper.... :( I will keep trying. With all the snow we are getting... I've got nothing better to do...
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        12-19-2009, 12:58 PM
    Green Broke
    I know what you mean. My problem is getting certain sentences to sound right. Some days I spend hours just thinking over a sentence.
        12-19-2009, 01:34 PM
    Super Moderator
    Business was booming at Lang Diner on Thursday night. It seems word had spread quickly that a certain member of biggest scandal in the history of Destiny had returned. There wasn’t an empty booth in the establishment, even the old counter stools were filled to capacity. Sam was so busy topping off coffee cups that she hadn’t paid any attention to the clang of the bell as the latest patron walked in, nor had she noticed the sudden silence that followed. That is until she glanced up to give a welcome smile and froze. Her heart skipped a beat for just an instant when her eyes collided with her husbands oldest brother. She gasped when she realized that the coffee she was pouring had overflowed, filling the saucer and spilling onto the counter. She slammed the pot down and ripped the rag from her apron, apologizing profusely to a local rancher. The silence in the diner was intense and Sam was certain she could feel everyones eyes on her. She raised her head and stared across the small resturaunt. Anger flickered when each person in the diner lowered their eyes to plates of half eaten meals. Ms. Priddy, a retired school teacher, ran her finger along the edge of the wooden booth she sat in, as if she were inspecting the flowery tooling that had been hand crafted into the old benches. Her husband pulled a hankerchief from his pocket and polished his old black plastic framed glasses. The Howards were suddenly enthralled by a map that was printed on the paper placemat at their table and Frank Beading, fire chief, was suddenly staring at something outside the pain glass window that lined the streets of Destiny. She finished wiping the wooden counter and fumbled underneath for a glass. The Camerons were born and bread true Southerners. Sweet tea was their drink of choice and everyone knew that Lorretta Lang made the best sweet tea this side of the highway. Her hands were shaking so badly it was all she could do to pour the golden brown liquid into the glass. Taggart was behind her, she could feel him. He took the glass from her hand. He grabbed a disposable cup and dumped the tea into it before taking a plastic top and a straw.
    "Let's go for a walk." His voice was barely above a whisper. He took her hand and pulled her out the door, not even waiting for her to remove her apron. The door clanged behind them as they headed down main street. It wasn't until they crossed the street at the corner that he dropped her hand. Because he was so much taller then her his stride long enough that she couldn't keep up close enough to see the expression on his face. When they reached the park he slowed his pace and settled on a bench near the duck pond motioning for her to take a seat next to her. She sat, head hung low, to ashamed to make eye contact.
    "I heard you were back." He said quietly. She shrugged.
    "I heard you went by the high school looking for a job." He added.
    "they have an opening." She stated.
    "I heard you are living with your parents." Her head shot up.
    "You heard alot." She snapped, shooting him a glare and really looking at him for the first time. There was no anger in his face at all, only compassion and caring. He was concerned.
    "How's that going for you?" He asked. "Living with your parents?"
    "It's temporary." She told him.
    He patted her knee before reaching into his pocket and handing her a key. "The rental is empty and none of us have the time to deal with it."
        12-19-2009, 01:49 PM
    I absoultly love it! I've got to page 2 of the thread but I have to go now but il be back later to read it:)
        12-24-2009, 12:59 PM
    Super Moderator
    "I heard you were back." He said quietly. She shrugged.
    "I heard you went by the high school looking for a job." He added.
    "They have an opening." She stated.
    "I heard you are living with your parents." Her head shot up.
    "You heard a lot." She snapped, shooting him a glare and really looking at him for the first time. There was no anger in his face at all, only compassion and caring. He was concerned.
    "How's that going for you?" He asked. "Living with your parents?"
    "It's temporary." She told him.
    “I heard you and Jason were going through a rough patch.”
    “You heard that? Or you assumed?” She asked.
    He patted her knee. “I know. It’s complicated. None of my business. Go to hell and whatever else you’ve want to scream at the good citizens of Destiny. Shifting his weight, he reached into the front pocket of his tight fitting blue jeans and handed her a brass key.
    "The rental is empty and with the summer season none of us have the time to deal with it right now." She took the key and fingered the tarnished horse head at the end of the chain. She and Jason had shared plenty of passionate nights in that old cabin. “It’s yours.” He told her when she started to hand the key back. “I can’t Tag. It’s…” She trailed off. Too weird? Not right? “It’s your handicapped accessible cabin.” That sounded lame.
    “All of our cabins are accessible now, remember, we’ve changed our focus. We are not a dude ranch anymore, we specialize in therapeutic riding and special needs kids.”
    “I didn’t know that.” Wow, she and Jason really had fallen apart hadn’t they?
    “Really?” He furrowed his brow. “It’s been several years since we made the switch. Jason didn’t tell you?” He asked.
    “Like you said. It’s complicated.” Hearing that her husband had left her out of the loop on the things that were happening back home really hurt. Sam knew that she had always put on a big front about not really caring about Destiny and it’s inhabitants but she did and she was sure her husband new that. At least, she thought he did.
    “I can’t afford to pay rent yet.” She mumbled
    “You don’t have to pay rent. You are family.” And before she could argue he said. “The place is fully furnished. Move in tonight if you want.” He got up to leave, sipping the straw on his sweet tea he waited for her. She got up and placed the key in her apron pocket. “Thank you.” She murmured. Feeling humbled by his generosity and by the sudden realization that her marriage was far more broken then she’d thought. They walked silently back to the diner. When they reached the door of the diner he stopped for a moment. “You know, he’ll come back don’t you?”
        12-24-2009, 01:06 PM
    Love it! You are very talented
        12-25-2009, 05:55 PM
    Don't leave me hanging!
        12-26-2009, 09:59 PM
    Super Moderator
    Am I on the right track?
        12-27-2009, 12:26 AM
    Yes, but maybe give a bit more introduction into the switch to the wife's story. It seemed abit abrupt. It took me a bit to figure out what was going on, lol
        01-03-2010, 08:26 PM
    This is such a fantastic story! I find it so captivating, much more so than many (most!) published books I have read!
    Are you going to incorporate an affair? If so, while one starts to get tangled in the web of an affair, the other should have a change of heart and go to the other, only to find their spouse cheating... just an idea, or is it just too scandalous!? Anyhoo, whatever you decide to write, it's such a good story! (Just a little tip, remember to check your grammar, like your there, their and they're Etc. It's probs just a mistake due to wanting to get all what's in your head onto the screen haha, just a little tip to check)
    Loving the story though! Wish I could write like this :)

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