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Constructive Criticism please

This is a discussion on Constructive Criticism please within the Horse Stories and Poems forums, part of the Horse Pictures, Videos, Artwork, and Contests category

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        01-04-2010, 03:21 PM
      #81
    Super Moderator
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by HollyLolly    
    This is such a fantastic story! I find it so captivating, much more so than many (most!) published books I have read!
    Are you going to incorporate an affair? If so, while one starts to get tangled in the web of an affair, the other should have a change of heart and go to the other, only to find their spouse cheating... just an idea, or is it just too scandalous!? Anyhoo, whatever you decide to write, it's such a good story! (Just a little tip, remember to check your grammar, like your there, their and they're Etc. It's probs just a mistake due to wanting to get all what's in your head onto the screen haha, just a little tip to check)
    Loving the story though! Wish I could write like this :)
    ahhh... Thanks! I'm not sure what I'm going to do to add scandal, but it needs something doesnt it? And the grammar! You are so right. I really wish I had paid better attention in english class!
         
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        01-06-2010, 08:42 PM
      #82
    Weanling
    It needs to get to a high point before they get back together, but of course, that is up to you
    And the odd grammar mistake never hurt anybody, it was just a teeny tip for when you edit it ;)
    Please keep writing, you can't leave us hanging! Hehe!
         
        03-26-2010, 04:25 PM
      #83
    Super Moderator
    “Like you said. It’s complicated.” Hearing that her husband had left her out of the loop on the things that were happening back home really hurt. Sam knew that she had always put on a big front about not really caring about Destiny and it’s inhabitants but she did and she was sure her husband new that. At least, she thought he did.
    “I can’t afford to pay rent yet.” She mumbled
    “You don’t have to pay rent. You are family.” And before she could argue he said. “The place is fully furnished. Move in tonight if you want.” He got up to leave, sipping the straw on his sweet tea he waited for her. She got up and placed the key in her apron pocket. “Thank you.” She murmured. Feeling humbled by his generosity and by the sudden realization that her marriage was far more broken then she’d thought. They walked silently back to the diner. When they reached the door of the diner he stopped for a moment. “You know, he’ll come back don’t you?” With a tip of tip of his hat he turned on his heal and disappeared around the corner

    It was nearly dark by the time Sam climbed into her car to head over to the cabin on Sycamore road. Informing her parents of her decision to move into the cabin had been much easier than she had expected. It was strange how coming home and brought back all of childhood emotions. She had gone into the conversation expecting things to end on a low note and was pleasantly surprised at the outcome. Her father was concerned about the secluded location of the cabin and had suggested an alarm system. Sam remembered that cabin well. It was just far enough off the road for two teenagers to get lost inside each other. Her stomach felt hollow at the thought of returning to that old cabin. So many nights had been spent in a back room cuddled in a single sleeping bag, a dusty radio playing soft country music in the background.
    Taking that last turn was a shocker. The cabin had changed. Quite a bit, it looked more like an actual home rather then a weekend retreat. The old wooden logs had been bleached and stained a light color. White rose bushes surrounded a screened in porch that hadn’t been there before. A porch swing had been fastened to the overhang and bright colored petunias hung from a window ledge. A brass colored lamp post stood at the end of the pebbled walkway surrounded by yet, more boldly colored flowers. It was as though she had walked into a fairy garden.
    Inside the house the furnishings were…
         
        03-28-2010, 07:03 PM
      #84
    Weanling
    NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Don't leave us with a ...! lol
         
        03-28-2010, 08:42 PM
      #85
    Weanling
    More???
         
        03-30-2010, 04:32 PM
      #86
    Super Moderator
    Inside the house the furnishings weren’t nearly as sparse as she had remembered. The old wooden card table and chairs that used to sit in the center of the old cabin had been replaced by a cozy living room set, adorned with bright pillows. The hardwood floors were covered with a cheery tapestry that accented the furniture. There was an antique looking chest in the place of a coffee table and a country style kitchen table with matching chairs in the open kitchen. It was a very homey little cabin. She set her keys on a stand just inside the door and headed to the kitchen. In the center of the table was a vase filled with fresh cut flowers. Scribbled in a shaky mans handwriting was a note that simply read welcome home girl. The letter could only have come from Dirk Cameron, Jason’s father. It was strange the way she’d been welcomed back by so many folks after she’d run. Her husband had been back several times since they’d left, but she had simply refused. Stubborn is what Jason always called her, stubborn and maybe a little bit stupid. Was it wrong to miss him the way she did? Was it wrong to ache for him this way? Leaving was the right thing wasn’t it? They’d grown so far apart and their dreams were so different now. They didn’t belong together anymore. Did they? A single tear cascaded down her cheek as she stood in front of those beautiful fresh cut flowers.
         
        04-19-2010, 11:15 PM
      #87
    Started
    I demand more!!!!!!!!
         
        04-20-2010, 01:00 AM
      #88
    Green Broke
    Love it :)
    With the afair thing I think Jason should have an affair and because her horse is still with Jason she can go back and get it and maybe she left something at the apartment? Or just wanted to see him and catches him in the act?
    Lol not to good but a suggestion
         
        04-10-2012, 09:46 PM
      #89
    Super Moderator
    I forgot about this one... should I keep going?
         
        05-01-2012, 09:22 AM
      #90
    Foal
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by farmpony84    
    I forgot about this one... should I keep going?
    Farmpony, I am new here, and obssessively reading all the posts I can! I just happened to find this thread this morning... very intersesting story you've written! Yes, you should keep going! Even if you never plan to publish or make the book public other than here, you should do it for yourself! :) Besides..... I want to hear the rest!
    farmpony84 likes this.
         

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