critique on my poem about a unicorn :)

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critique on my poem about a unicorn :)

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  • Small poem about unicon the imaginery horse
  • Small poem about unicorn the imaginary horse

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    04-17-2011, 08:06 PM
critique on my poem about a unicorn :)

Magical forest

As I walk through the forest I feel a kind of peace. The forest creatures greet me warmly and I know instantly that I belong here.
I look around to the surroundings and see a small bridge that is on top of a river that looks like it was made of pure diamonds. As I look up into the sky I see towering trees above me.
At the corner of my eye I see something strange, a small stone.
I walk towards the stone and look down at it. It shows a picture of a one horned horse, a unicorn was carved in great detail on the rocks surface. Although the difference between the picture and my self is huge, the likeness between us is strangely amazing. As I look to the right of the rock I see a cave, full of sparkling jewels.
As I stand wondering what this fantasy land is, I feel strange, different. But I say to myself that I am just imagining things, as this forest is so strange.
I decide to wander on further.
I then see a stream, after hearing the water trickle from it; I realize how thirsty I am. I walk over to the stream and I notice something strange. My reflection isnít my reflection. It is the same horse that was carved into the stone. But what is even more strange, when I move, the horse in the reflection does the same.
I look behind me, to make sure that no one is there, to see if it really is my reflection. No body is there, so I continue looking at the reflection, confused. Then I jump. It couldnít be could it!? The strange feeling by the rock, the reflections, could this perfect figure in the river be mine? I then look down and notice that my body has changed dramatically. I now have four hooves instead of to feet; my pale skin has changed into a body covered from top to bottom with pure white fur. My scraggily brown hair has changed into a long snowy mane, and a long spiral horn is coming out of the center of my fore head, spiraling around and around. I am absolutely shocked by my new figure and am surprised that I am shy of myself. I am almost too scared to try out my new body. How long have I been like this?
But then once again I remembered about the carved rock, and the unicorn that looked so much like me.
I had been like this since then, and havenít even noticed!
As I begin thinking about what had happened, my highly trained ears hear something that I couldnít have been able to hear when I was a human; a tiny rustling in the bushes.
As I stare at the way of the sound my heart beating a mile a minute I see a unicorn that looks exactly like me.
He comes out and nudges me gently.
I then know why I am here; the crystals in the cave. I must guard them now.
As I get nudged again in my new powerful ribs, I gallop of with my new partner. And now I am stuck in this body for eternity.

Hope you like it :)
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    04-18-2011, 12:24 AM
I like it so much!! MW, you so need to make a little book for yourself out of them!
    04-18-2011, 04:07 PM
Super Moderator
That was pretty good.
    04-18-2011, 07:50 PM
Lol awww shucks... I did this last year when I was 12
    06-29-2011, 08:35 PM
    07-01-2011, 12:02 AM
Green Broke
Wow. That could be a story! If you were to make it more of a "story voice" it would be something I would read for sure!
    07-01-2011, 12:24 AM
Lildonkey, what do you mean??

Thanks again for all comments... it is one of my favourites I have wrote. This and my dressage short story
    07-01-2011, 10:25 PM
Green Broke
I mean more talking, a story, instead of a poem. It would make a fabulous story! You could like, say how she lives out, I really love it!
    07-02-2011, 07:36 AM
Oh yes I could... but that's the magic of it

It's up to you how she lives, understand?
    07-02-2011, 12:47 PM
Green Broke
Yeah, true. Just saying. It could be a incredible story. Maybe even a story written Like a poem!

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