Felt like writing something :)
 
 

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Felt like writing something :)

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        04-17-2014, 01:33 AM
      #1
    Foal
    Felt like writing something :)

    I watched the waves crash against the white sand. The water was a very light blue, like the water you see in the pictures of the hidden away islands, undiscovred by humanity. The ocean lay to my right, with big blue mountains to my right. The mountains were nearer than they semmed, but the blue and black shadows cast by the clouds made it seem as if they were far. I swayed my hips in time to the black pony trudging through the sand beneath me. I looked down and stroked the little gelding's pitch black neck. "Almost there sleepy head, what about you pick up the pace for the last bit?" I asked the pony. Of course, he didn't answer, just truged on. I was far to big for the pony, called Moon. He had gotten the name from my mother, who thought the white smudge between his eyes looked like a moon in the black night. I was far too big for him, my feet trailing just above the ground, but the island's ponies were strong and well bred, and my weight didn't bother him much. He snorted and threw up his head. "Pretending to shy at something I see?" I said. Moon always did that. I squeezed my calves against his barrel and he broke uneasily into a trot. His spine hurt my but, since I was riding without a saddle, but it did not bother me. I have been riding like this for years. He chomped on the bit all the way to the passageway. We entred it, and giant blanck rock walls soared up, up, up above our heads, forming a wide tunnel-like passage to the village. The villages was called Harrison, after some englishman who had discovred it. It was one of those fairytale villages, where there was no poor and middleclass. Only a rich, richer and richest. My father was the mayor, and therfore we fell int the richest catagory.
    We lived on a gaint piece of land on the far side of the village. You could almost call it a small farm, but it might be a bit bigger than that. Suddenly Moon slowed and I was pulled out of my thoughts. We were passing underneath the big wooden arc, roses growing up the sides of it. I gazed up to the silver lettering that read "Harrison". I greeted a bunch of people as I rode through the main street, which was lined by shops on either side. I turned left about halfway through the street. As soon as I emerged behind the shops, Big houses and several mansions replaced the shops on either side of the street. Ponies and horses grazed in paddocks on most properties. Harrison was big on horseriding, as in 90% of the people had a horse or pony. We had no boarding facilities, since evryone kept their own horses, but we did have a lot of rings and arenas. You found them as commonly as parks would be found in another place.
    I pushed a strand of my dark auburn hair back behind my ear. Instead of bicycle paths the town also sported horse trails, neatly laid out next to the roads. Moon was walking on one now, a bit faster now that he knew a treat would be waiting at home. I cut through a open field and trotted down Cherry lane towards my home at the end of it. Finally I reached the big black gates, which were there only for decoration. Next to them ran a waist length fence, looking newly painted. I dismounted. I pushed the gates open and Moon walked through. After a few steps he stopped. I pused the gate closed again, and instead of riding down the long driveway, lined either side by trees, I turned my pony to the left.
    On my right there were some of mother's rose bushes lining the garden, where the grass was cut perfectly short and rolled all the way to the big white mansion beyond. In front of me lay the barn. We had thirteen horses, at least six of them island ponies. The barn was red and made of wood. THe big double doors reached the ceiling and were freshly painted black. Father had it painted from white about a week ago. The stalls were actually just little pens inside a building. Each horse's was about three poles high. The feeding and water throughs were at the back against the barn walls.
    Near the latch gates you found a buket hung on a peg, next to a halter, that hung next to a grooming kit. Inside the bucket we put loose items, like extra brushes or an extra halter. The grooms would take the unnecisary things out and put them away.
         
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        04-17-2014, 01:46 AM
      #2
    Foal
    Sorry for grammar and spelling.... In the first few sentences the ocean is to her right, the mountains to her left :).
    It'salso black rock in the passageway, not whatever I said.
    And it's waist height, not waist length (the fence).
         
        04-17-2014, 03:38 AM
      #3
    Trained
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by WaveHorse    
    I watched the waves crash against the white sand. This sentence is very lacking in suspense for your first in the story, and kind of 'telly' rather than showing the reader. Showing is hard to explain. The water was a very light blue, like the water you see in the pictures of the hidden away islands, undiscovered by humanity. Watch your grammar and the amount of 'telling'. There are two unnecessary 'the's in there. The ocean lay to my right, with big blue mountains to my left. The mountains were nearer than they seemed, but the blue and black shadows cast by the clouds made it seem as if they were far. I cringe at this grammar. I swayed my hips in time to the black pony trudging through the sand beneath me. What pony? Try to introduce the fact that the character is mounted earlier. I looked down and stroked the little gelding's pitch black neck.

    New paragraph here."Almost there sleepy head, what about you pick up the pace for the last bit?" I asked the pony. Nice natural speech, doesn't feel forced. Could be improved a little though. Of course he didn't answer, just trudged on. I was far too big for the pony, whose name was Moon. He had gotten the name from my mother, who thought the white smudge between his eyes looked like a moon in the black night. "My mother had named him for the crescent-shaped white smudge between his eyes." I was far too big for him, you just said that my feet trailing just above the ground, but the island's ponies but island ponies were strong and well bred, and my weight didn't bother him much. He snorted and threw up his head abrupt, try "Suddenly, he snorted and threw up his head, catching me off-guard.".

    New paragraph here."Pretending to shy at something I see?" I said. Moon always did that. I squeezed my calves against his barrel and he broke uneasily Unwillingly? into a trot. His spine hurt my butt, since I was riding without a saddle, but it did not bother me. Try using contractions like 'didn't' a little more. You're writing in first person so it should feel like the character is telling a story. Make it a little less formal. I have been riding like this for years. He chomped on the bit all the way to the passageway.

    New paragraph.We entered it, and giant black rock walls soared up, up, up above our heads, forming a wide tunnel-like passage to the village. I can see this. Good. The village was called Harrison, after some Englishman who had discovered it. It was one of those fairytale villages, where there was no poor or middleclass. Only the rich, richer and richest. My father was the mayor, and therfore we fell into the richest category.

    We lived on a giant piece of land on the far side of the village. You could almost call it a small farm, but it might be a bit bigger than that.

    New paragraph, you changed the subject.Suddenly Moon slowed and I was pulled out of my thoughts. We passed underneath a big wooden arch with roses growing up the sides of it and silver lettering that read "Harrison".

    Your paragraphs run on. You need to break them A LOT more.I greeted a bunch of people as I rode through the main street, which was lined by shops on either side. I turned left about halfway through the street. Big houses and several mansions soon replaced the shops on either side of the street. Ponies and horses grazed in paddocks on most properties. Harrison was big on horseriding; 90% of the population had a horse or pony. We had no boarding facilities, since everyone kept their own horses, but we did have a lot of rings and arenas. They were as common as parks would be in another place.

    I pushed a strand of my dark auburn hair back behind my ear. Instead of bicycle paths the town sported horse trails, neatly laid out next to the roads. Moon was walking on one, a bit faster now that he knew a treat would be waiting at home. I cut through a open field and trotted down Cherry Lane towards my home.

    New paragraph. Finally I reached the enormous, decorative black gates. Next to them ran a freshly painted waist-high fence. I dismounted and pushed the gates open for Moon to walk through. After a few steps he stopped and I pushed the gate closed again. Instead of riding down the long tree-lined driveway, I turned my pony to the left.

    On my right there were some of Mother's rose bushes in the garden, where the grass was cut perfectly short and rolled all the way to the big white mansion beyond. In front of me lay the barn. We had thirteen horses, at least six of them island ponies. The barn was red and made of wood. The big double doors reached the ceiling and were freshly painted black. Father had it painted from white about a week ago. The stalls were actually just little pens inside a building. Each horse's was about three poles high. The feeding and water troughs were at the back against the barn walls.

    Near the gates there were three pegs, one holding a bucket, the second a halter, and the third a grooming kit. Inside the bucket we put loose items like extra brushes or an extra halter. The grooms would take the unnecessary things out and put them away.
    Just doing a quick critique from a writer's point of view :) Red is me.

    You REALLY need to proofread. There are so many typos in this that it makes it difficult to properly critique. To be honest I gave up on critiquing the quality of the writing and just did the spelling and grammar.

    Watch you don't repeat yourself!
    horsedream568 likes this.
         
        04-17-2014, 07:25 PM
      #4
    Weanling
    The story has potential to be good. Since blue eyed pony has commented about the grammar, I'll refrain from saying anything except take her advice, and work on improving your skills. There are lots of sites with rules of writing that you can learn from, just search Google for them.

    However, there is a whole lot of description of the things around the characters and very little action. I'm not saying it's wrong to describe things and ease into the action, but don't just passively tell your reader about the surroundings. The barn was freshly painted, fantastic - but does the main character like it? Does she like being the mayor's daughter? Does she enjoy being rich and living on the island? Use your descriptions to reveal the character's personality and feelings.

    To give you an example (my additions are brackets):

    On my right there were some of mother's rose bushes lining the garden, where the grass was cut perfectly short and rolled all the way to the big white mansion beyond. [I sighed a little. You would think living with such beauty and finery would be wonderful, and it was. However, sometimes everything was a little too perfect.] In front of me lay the barn. We had thirteen horses, at least six of them island ponies. [My one respite from my fairytale life was being with the horses. Out on the island trails, I didn't have to be the model daughter I had to be at home.]

    (Obviously the story doesn't have to go in that direction, but that's just to show you what I'm trying to say.) Too much description and not enough analysis makes for a boring read and flat characters.
         
        04-18-2014, 09:49 PM
      #5
    Foal
    Thanks a lot @blue eyed pony and @fazia425. I know I suck at grammar, spelling and whatever more :P. But i'll try and go ver it again next time :)
         
        04-18-2014, 11:06 PM
      #6
    Foal
    I'm not too worried about the paragraphs, since the story is only for fun and to entertain myself :).

    I put Moon into his stall, and put his bridle away. "There there," I said as I smoothed his forelock. "Morning Rebecca!". I turned around. "Morning Josh," I smiled at the stablehand. He took a strand of his bleached white hair out of his eyes, revealing their green colour. He looked strange, half boyish, half manly. I liked it. I quickly cleared the thoughts away. "Would you be a dear and wash Moon?" I asked politely. "Sure," He replied. I turned and walked outside into the warm sunshine. I turned my head and gazed down at the paddocks near the gate. "So peacefull," I murmured. And it was. There wasn't even a hint of a breeze. The only signs of life were a few birds looking for food and three horses grazing peacefully. I headed up to the house. It was quite a long walk, but it didn't bother me.
    As soon as I entered the kitchen, I pulled my boots off. "Mother?" I called. Instead of my mother, Emmy entred the kitchen. Emmy was one of our maids. She also basicly raised me.
    "Hush! Your mother is sleeping. She has a headache," Emmy said.
    "Sorry," I whispered.
    "Are you hungry?" Emmy asked a bit more softly. I shook my head. I wandered through the giant house for a while before deciding to take another ride.

    Sorry again for spelling and typos :)
         
        04-23-2014, 11:58 AM
      #7
    Weanling
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by WaveHorse    
    I'm not too worried about the paragraphs, since the story is only for fun and to entertain myself :).
    Come on now, how hard is it to hit enter when someone new begins to speak or the subject changes?

    Anyway, my critique now is that it seems like you are writing for content more than to propel the story into the main conflict. Are you making this up as you go, or do you have at least some idea what you want the story to be about? Although you have introduced two new characters, your paragraph ended with her wandering around the house and then deciding to ride again. Something needs to start happening here.
         
        04-24-2014, 08:38 AM
      #8
    Foal
    Ok, so I decided to start over completely, adding and getting rid of things and trying to improve things over all. I’m basically copying, pasting, editing and then posting, so if you find mistakes mentioned before, and you don’t feel like repeating, don’t ;).

    I watched the waves crash against the white sand. They made a soft, soothing sound, mixing with the sound of the hoof beats of my pony. The water was a very light blue, like the water you see in pictures of hidden away islands, undiscovered by humanity.

    The ocean lay to my right, with big blue mountains to my left. The mountains were closer than one might think, yet, they seemed far. Almost as if nobody can ever reach them. The feeling made me feel empty, and a longing clenched my heart into a tight fist, never to be released. The scene was rather perfect, as perfect as the human eye could process. The pony beneath me only added to the beauty. I looked down and stroked the little gelding's pitch black neck. The love I felt for my trusty steed banished the aching I had felt before.

    "Almost there sleepy head, what about you pick up the pace for the last bit?" I asked the sleepy pony. Of course, he didn't answer, just trudged on. But sometimes I knew that he would answer, sometimes I swear he did. Our bond was just that deep.

    I was far too big for the pony, called Moon. My mother had named him for the crescent-shaped white smudge between his eyes. I wanted to name him something fancier, but mother insisted that it suited him. I knew now that it was true, considering how dark he sometimes was. I frowned. He was a bit of a strange pony, but I loved him none the less. My feet trailed just above the ground, but the island's native ponies were strong and well bred, and my weight didn't bother him much.

    Suddenly he snorted and threw up his head, causing me to lose my balance a bit. "Pretending to shy at something I see?" I said. Moon always did that. This time he had been a bit more gentle about it. I often fell off, but never got hurt. I was far too close to the ground for that.

    I squeezed my calves against his barrel and he broke unwillingly into a trot. His spine hurt my butt, since I was riding without a saddle, but it didn’t bother me. I have been riding like this for years. He chomped on the bit all the way to the passageway.

    We entered it, and giant black rock walls soared up, up, up above our heads, forming a wide tunnel-like passage to the village. As soon as you entered, the temperature dropped, and it was a little spooky. As if a ghost’s wail or shriek would sound at any minute. The thought sent shivers down my spine. The village was called Harrison, after some Englishman who had discovered it. It was one of those fairytale villages, where there was no poor or middleclass. Only the rich, richer and richest. My father was the mayor, and therefore we fell into the richest category.

    We lived on a giant piece of land on the far side of the village. You could almost call it a small farm, but it might be a bit bigger than that.

    Suddenly Moon slowed and I was pulled out of my thoughts. We were passed underneath the big wooden arch, roses growing up the sides of it. I gazed up to the silver lettering that read "Harrison".

    I greeted a bunch of people as I rode through the main street, which was lined by shops on either side. I turned left about halfway through the street. Big houses and several mansions soon replaced the shops on either side of the street. Ponies and horses grazed in paddocks on most properties. This was my favorite part of the ride; gazing at all the pretty houses, horses and ponies. Here and there a dog could be spotted, even though the people here preferred more exotic pets.

    I had a dog of my own, a big Rhodesian ridgeback bitch named Cherry. She had a more brownish tint to her coat than red, and she had beautiful, beautiful yellow eyes. Oh, how I adored her eyes. So full of emotion and passion, they were something to admire indeed.

    Harrison was big on horse riding; 90% of the people had a horse or pony. We had no boarding facilities, since everyone kept their own horses, but we did have a lot of rings and arenas. They were as common as parks would be in another place.

    I think I might have broken the paragraphs too much *blush* :)
         
        04-24-2014, 08:46 AM
      #9
    Trained
    No, this is perfect. Short paragraphs are much nicer to read than huge chunks of text.

    There's a BIG difference between the first go-through and this try. This try is much better written. Grammar still isn't perfect but I'm not going to get too nitpicky on it and the spelling is MUCH improved!
         
        04-24-2014, 10:33 AM
      #10
    Weanling
    So much better! Glad you decided to rewrite, you made great improvements! I'm excited to see for the next part.
         

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