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Felt like writing something :)

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        04-24-2014, 07:53 PM
      #11
    Weanling
    I think that you are doing a good job capturing the beauty of the ocean. You have good descriptiveness.
    I love writing. I have been writing for seven years. My sister who is getting her bachelor degree for commercial writing always edits my stories and books.
    I recently completed The Broken Heart: Progress to Normality. It's about an Autistic girl names Katie.
    I just want to say that seeing your mistakes is very hard. I have experienced that when my sister critiqued my last two books.

    Keep your chin up and just fix your mistakes! I always say that when I see a pile of critiqued papers on my desk.

    P.S. GREAT job fixing your story!!!!!!!!

    PSS I once had a Rhodesian Rigdeback dog too. Her name was Thika because, since she was an African dog, the Flame Trees of Thika, an African town, suited her well.
         
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        04-24-2014, 10:58 PM
      #12
    Foal
    Thanks @Horse7550, @blue eyed pony and @fazia :)! Horse7550: I LOVED my Ridgeback (actually called Cherry :) ). She was my other half, and I miss her dearly :'(. We had to leave her behind when we came to Australia, but I hope to see her again someday. They are (in my opinion), the best and most wonderful dogs in the world <3

    I'll post the rest later today and i'll try to add some more :)
    Horse7550 likes this.
         
        04-25-2014, 02:34 AM
      #13
    Foal
    Ok, here's that last bit :) ;

    I pushed a strand of my dark auburn hair back behind my ear. Instead of bicycle paths the town also sported horse trails, neatly laid out next to the roads. Moon was walking on one now, a bit faster now that he knew a treat would be waiting at home.

    I cut through an open field and trotted down Cherry Lane towards my home at the end of it. Finally I reached the big black decorative gates. Next to them ran a waist height fence, also black. I dismounted and pushed the gate open for Moon. He walked through and stopped after a few steps. I closed the gate again and remounted. I ducked underneath some branches of the trees that lined the long driveway, and headed to the left.

    On my right there were some of mother's rose bushes lining the garden, where the grass was cut perfectly short and rolled all the way to the big white mansion beyond. I loved how neat and perfect everything looked. It gave off a sense that the people inside the walls of the mansion was important, which they were.

    In front of me lay the barn. We had thirteen horses, at least six of them island ponies. The barn was red and made of big bricks. They were perfectly aligned with each other, showing the grey cement. The big double doors reached the ceiling and were freshly painted black. Father had it painted from white about a week ago. The stalls were actually just little pens inside a building. Each horse's was about three poles high. The feeding and water troughs were fixed to the walls at the back.

    As I entered the cool barn, a big dog leaped up from in front of the tack room. “Hi girl!” I greeted my dog, Cherry. I dismounted and lead Moon to his stall.

    Near the latch gates you could find three things. A bucket, a halter, and a grooming kit, each on their own peg. Inside the bucket we put loose items, like extra brushes or an extra halter. The grooms would take the unnecessary things out and put them away.
         
        04-25-2014, 05:55 AM
      #14
    Foal
    I put Moon into his stall, and put his bridle away. "There there," I said as I smoothed his forelock, a soothing feeling filling me. Cherry sat at the barn door, whining and urging me to go play with her. I gazed over to her. Just then Josh rounded the corner, patting her head along the way."Morning Rebecca!"

    "Morning Josh," I smiled at the stable hand. He took a strand of his bleached white hair out of his eyes, revealing their green color.. He looked strange, half boyish, half manly. I liked it. I quickly cleared the thoughts away. "Would you be a dear and wash Moon?" I asked politely.

    "Sure," He replied. I turned and walked outside into the warm sunshine, Cherry walking right next to me. I turned my head and gazed down at the paddocks near the gate. "So peaceful," I murmured. And it was. There wasn't even a hint of a breeze. Cherry waged her tail in agreement. The only signs of life were a few birds looking for food and three horses grazing peacefully.

    Suddenly Cherry started barking and ran down to the gate. I lifted my hand to shield my eyes against the sun. I recognized Laura’s black hair. She was a very close friend of my mother, and she had probably come to visit her. I gave a low whistle. Two of the horses lifted their heads, and Cherry quit her barking.

    The whistle was what my family used to signal and train all our animals. Cherry walked back over to me, pretending to be upset. “Yeah you little rascal! I know you better than that,” I said laughing. Cherry quit her fake sulking and whined in agreement. I had the same bond with her as with Moon, and the two animals were the best of friends.
    I jogged to the gate and dragged it open for Laura. “Hey Laura,” I said.

    “Hi sweetheart,” she replied, scooping her ferret up off the ground. “Is your mother around?” she asked.
    “Not sure, but probably,” I said, smiling. Laura was my favorite out of all my mom’s friends. We walked up the driveway together. Laura talked about how she had walked Angel, her ferret, all the way to the beach, and how much he had enjoyed it. I also loved Laura so much because she happened to be an excellent rider and had taught me how to ride.

    “So pumpkin, when’s our next beach ride scheduled? We haven’t gone riding in a while,” she said.
    “Well, maybe we could go the day after tomorrow? After school?” I said. Me and Laura often went on rides to the beach. If the water was ok, we’d swim as well. Those afternoons were always the highlight of my week. “Sounds perfect,” she said happily.
         
        04-25-2014, 10:07 PM
      #15
    Foal
    I held the front door open for Laura, puzzled that one of the maids or the butler didn’t rush to do so. Laura also seemed puzzled for a second, but she soon wiped the emotion off her face. Angel started squirming and trying to jump out of Laura’s arms. In her struggle to control Angel, she didn’t notice in what a mess the front hall was, but I did.


    Panic filled me. Something was wrong. Very very wrong. “Laura?” I said softly. Laura lifted her head. She had stuffed Angel in her pet carry bag. She gasped, shock filling her face.


    The mirrors were smashed, tables overturned and vases broken. To the right the door to the guest sitting room was kicked in. The door was only closed when mother was reading inside there. I rushed to the door, but just before I could step inside, Laura grabbed my shoulder and pulled my back. “Listen sweetheart, we don’t know what’s in there, we have to be careful. Let me lead, ok?” she whispered. I nodded. She was right.

    I glanced around the hall. It was a short hallway, opening up to a big circular room, where we stood now. A big marble staircase lead up to the second floor, where there were twin staircases leading up to the third floor. In the front hall, there was a door on the left, leading to the kitchen, and one on the right, where my mother might be.

    Laura quickly slipped off her high heels, and motioned for me to do the same with my boots. I obeyed and we quietly sneaked up to the bashed in door.
         
        04-27-2014, 06:12 AM
      #16
    Foal
    Laura peeked around the corner, careful not to touch the splinters. Then she gasped. I tried to figure out what was going on by watching her face, but I saw nothing. “Laura?” I said softly. She slowly rose from her crouching position, and stepped inside.

    I followed, and a gasp slipped past my lips as well. All the love seats, couches and armchairs were piled near the door. Coffee tables were overturned and more vases broken. The fire in the fireplace weakly flickered, the flame dancing a dance of sorrow. Sorry that it was going to die out, that nobody tried to save it.

    Laura was crouching next to my mother’s body, which was slumped down off the loveseat by the window. I slowly walked until I stood next to her. I couldn’t see her face, but it was obvious that she had been beaten.

    The only telephone was smashed next to the pile of furniture. Being on an island far from humanity meant we didn’t have great technology.

    “Ok sweetheart,” Laura said, turning to me. Worry flashed in her eyes, along with a bit of fear. I felt the same. Except, I was very scared. “Get some horses and go fetch the doctor, tell him to hurry. As soon as you get back, try and find some of the staff,” she said.

    Without a word I turned and left to do as she said.
         
        04-27-2014, 10:07 AM
      #17
    Weanling
    Oh, I like it!!! That's very good! Kind of surprising too!

    I sort of have a problem with this little article as follows: The fire in the fireplace weakly flickered, the flame dancing a dance of sorrow.

    There isn't nothing TERRIBLY wrong whit it, but there is a way you can modify it.

    Try this: The fire in the fireplace weakly flickered; the smoke from the flames danced sorrowfully.
    IDK if that was the picture you were looking for, but I thought it could be a little less confusing! :)
    But I really like your progress!!! :)
         
        05-06-2014, 03:02 AM
      #18
    Foal
    Actually Horse7550, that sounds great! Thanks :)
    I'll try and get some more up tommorow, I know I havn't been on here for a while :)
         
        05-06-2014, 08:36 PM
      #19
    Weanling
    Your welcome! It was no problem. My sister is an "editor"--so I call her. :)
    She has taught me a way through Ignite Writing how to read something and then change it.

    I would love to read some more of your work.
    When I upload my book or get it published, I hope you can read it. It is a good book and I DEFINETELY don't say that about most of my books! :)
         
        05-09-2014, 04:39 AM
      #20
    Foal
    What's the book's name Horse7550? I'd LOVE to read it!
    So sorry I couldn't get more up, I'm drowning in assignments :'(
         

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