The Grey Mare (story not finnished) - The Horse Forum
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post #1 of 6 Old 11-14-2009, 10:33 AM Thread Starter
Green Broke
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The Grey Mare (story not finnished)

*Chapter One*

When the school bell rang, 13 year old Kelly Stiller jumped from her seat and ran to the bus. Her best friend, Ellen White, who was also 13, ran after her.
"You going to Willow Creek?" Ellen asked Kelly as she puller her blonde hair into a neat pony tail.
"What do you think?" Kelly giggled.
"Yeah, that was a stupid question!"
"I hope I get to ride Riley,"
"Who dosn't?"
"Dana, she thinks he's just a no good mutt,"
"He is not!"
"Yeah, he really is, but only Dana would care,"
"Well, i'd rather have Riley than Dana's fancy Hanoverian,"
The rest of the bus ride was silent. When they got to Willow Creek the girls ran to the barn and changed into riding breeches.
"Kelly, you're on Riley, Ellen, you get Dallas," Lynsey Jacobs, the riding instructor and stable owner announced.
"Yes!" Ellen and Kelly yelled in unison.
"Double jynx!"
The girls giggled their assigned horses' stalls. They had gotten Riley and Dallas all tacked up when Lynsey walked into the barn.
"Girls, i'm sorry, I can't give and lessons today, I have a doctors appointment. But you guys can go for a nice trailride, those horses could use it," She said sadly.
"Yes! A trail ride!" Kelly shouted so loud it made Riley spook. "It's okay boy, settle down!"
"Does Dana have to come?: Ellen asked Lynsey.
"Nope just you two," Lynsey said.
"YES!" Ellen said as she did a little dance thay cracked up Kelly.
"Bye girls, have a nice time and be safe!" Lynsey said walking out of the barn.
Ellen and Kelly walked Dallas and Riley out to the arena to warm them up before going on the trail.
"What trail should we take?" Ellen asked Kelly ans she pushed Dallas into a canter.
"The one with all the jumps!" Kelly said grinning.
"OK, so the south trail,"
"Sure if thats the one!"
They trotted out of the arena and onto the trail.
"This is wonderful!" Kelly said as she lain on Riley's back.
"Yeah it is!" Ellen replied.
They went for about an hour before turning back. The horses startes to chew their bits and and speed up.
"Should we let them go full out?" Ellen asked with a wild sparkle in her eye.
"We really shouldn't..." Kelly trailed off "As much as i would like to,"
"Awww, why not?"
Kelly held up her index finger "Shhhhhhh!"
Ellen heard sticks crunching. And a beautiful grey mare trotted out of an over grown trail flinging her small head with a wild look in her eyes. She was about 14 hands high and 5 years old, and a fine example of a purebred Welsh Cob, but with a very large belly.
"Wow!" Was all Kelly could say.
"Good thing I brought an extra halter!" Ellen whispered taking Dallas's halter and lead rope out of her saddlebags. She dismounted and tied Dallas to a tree, Kelly did the same with Riley.
The mare snorted and pranced in place.
"It's ok girl, it's ok," Ellen and Kelly soothed. After 10 minutes of coaxing, the mare let Kelly slip the halter over her small ears and onto her scooped nose. They ponied her all the way to Willow Creek.
When they got there, Dana was there to greet them.
"Oh great, another dirty flea-bag,"She said looking at the grey mare in disgust. "Keep it away from Indigo,"
"She loves you too Dana," Kelly said walking right past her and putting the mare into the extra stall, which happened to be on the side of Indigo's.
"Get it out of there! Do you think Indigo is going to be stabled next to that?" Dana protested.
"Yep, i'm sure Indigo won't mind," Ellen said giving a phony smile.
"I will be talking to Lynsey about this!" Dana yelled.
Ellen and Kelly ignored Dana and started to groom the sweet grey mare.
When they finally got her clean, the heard Lynsey greeting Dana.
"Lynsey!" Ellen said loudly, "Come over here!"
"What is it? Is Dall-" Lynsey stopped short when she saw a new horse in her stable "Wh-Who is this?"
"This is..Well, she dosn't have a name yet, but we found her in the woods," Kelly announced.
"Oh my, I suppose you girls want her to stay?" Lynsey said "She's preagnant, so it'sll be alot of work," She warned.
"We can do it dont worry, Lynsey!" Ellen reassured her.
Lynsey left and the barn was silent except for the sound of the horses chewing their hay.
"We have our very own horse!" Ellen and Kelly chanted.
Suddenly Kelly stopped chanting and dancing she whispered "A horse with no name,"
"Oh yeah, wat should we call her?"Ellen asked.
They walked over to the mare's stall and thought for a while.
"Gracie!" They yelled in unison.
"Definately!" Kelly said. "Grey mare, you are now Gracie Lou!"
"Lou?" Ellen asked.
"Yeah, Gracie Lou," Kelly said with a smile. "I like it."
"OK, I like it too!" Ellen said patting Gracies neck.
"I have to get home," Kelly said sadly.
"Me too, my mom will kill me if i don't finnish my homework," Ellen agreed.
Kelly and Ellen said good-bye to Gracie Lou and went home.
The next day, Kelly and Ellen were day-dreaming through school, they couldn't wait to see Gracie Lou. The mare was waiting in her stall, and nickered a greeting to the girls.
"Hi Lou!" Kelly said patting Gracies head.
"Oh great, she'll never learn her name if I call her Gracie and you call her Lou!" Ellen fake pouted.
"She's smart, she'll learn," Kelly said, "I'll be right back, she wants carrots,"
"Like you know what she wants!" Ellen rolled her eyes slipping into Gracie's stall, "We're going to take great care of you, girl."
Ellen felt along the mares bulging belly, and feld a nudge.
"EEP!" Ellen screeched,"It kicked! KELLY!!!!! IT KICKED!"
Kelly came running out of the tack room asking,"Huh? What kicked? OH! The foal!"
"It wasn't a huge kick but i felt it!" Ellen exclaimed jumping up and down.
Dana walked by and snickered at the girls,"That thing ought to be kicking, he's ashamed of who his mother is, a dirty wild animal."
"How do you know it's a he? Have you been talking to it?" Kelly asked
__________________________________________________ ______________

PLEase, if anyone wants to, feel free to add what you add on!

its not that great but im only 13 so......itsnot supposed to be very good, right!? lol! thanks 4 reading.

I was a dreamer
Before you went and let me down.
VanillaBean is offline  
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post #2 of 6 Old 11-14-2009, 03:29 PM
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Nice! I like it, but here's some critique:

*Introduce the characters' age later in the story. For example, say "as the girls were only 13, ......"
*have some more description of the setting. In between conversation, put some description in. For example: "I hope I get to ride Riley," Kelly mused as she brushed a strand of hair behind her ear.

Just some constructive critisism. It's off to a great start! I'm a beginning author as well lol:)
equiniphile is offline  
post #3 of 6 Old 11-14-2009, 08:23 PM Thread Starter
Green Broke
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ok, thanks equiniphile

I was a dreamer
Before you went and let me down.
VanillaBean is offline  
post #4 of 6 Old 11-20-2009, 02:01 PM
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I like it but yes, I'm with equiniphile. I want more description... Why does she love Riley? What does Dallas look like, why was the trainer sad she had a Dr's appt and isnt there concern for WHERE the mare came from?

Really good start though!

"Be a best friend, tell the truth, and overuse I love you
Go to work, do your best, don't outsmart your common sense
Never let your prayin knees get lazy
And love like crazy"
farmpony84 is offline  
post #5 of 6 Old 11-26-2009, 05:25 PM
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I agree with everyone else. DOn't they care where the mare came from? All she says is " Ok. Will you help?" She knew she was pregnant already? They coulda checked or something..... DOnt they have to pay board?

Good Start,Though! :)
thunderhooves is offline  
post #6 of 6 Old 11-26-2009, 06:29 PM
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I like the story so far but yes I would also like more description. I used to write stories when I was your age . Reading your story had made me think of the stories that I used to write. Great job!!!!
equus717 is offline  

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