the long journey... tell me i should go on - Page 2

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the long journey... tell me i should go on

This is a discussion on the long journey... tell me i should go on within the Horse Stories and Poems forums, part of the Horse Pictures, Videos, Artwork, and Contests category

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        12-20-2010, 01:05 AM
    Green Broke
    Okay change of plans... ill keep typing whatever-

    The youngsters that fell recovered by the time the got to shore. They all enjoyed running again after staying still for two days. They all ran and kick and went crazy. What 1st went into their head was so they started looking for food. The had found an orchard in someones backyard. They trotted up and started to eat. Soon the owner of the property came out, grabbed a shovel, and made a large gash in the leaders haunches,he was in much pain. He started to drag himself along. At first he did not think he could make it....
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        12-20-2010, 01:08 AM
    Green Broke
    Ill take any ideas, input ...etc literally I don't really know what to do next
        12-20-2010, 01:11 AM
    I'm not good at giving pointers, but all I see is you need to capitalize after periods, and change 1st to first.

    But that's just me being a grammar nazi.
        12-20-2010, 08:27 AM
    I love it. It's cool. There could be a pregnant mare or something.
    I am only 11 and you (lildonkey) inspire me. I'm goona ask you to be my friend.
        12-20-2010, 03:58 PM
    Green Broke
    I know katesrider011... im purposely doing it
        12-20-2010, 04:51 PM
    I noticed the same thing
    If your going to write, you might as well get into the habit of doing it correctly.
    Periods, and capitalization is part of that...
    Now the dot dot dot.....
    I don't know for sure where that fits in!
    Keep it up...!
        12-21-2010, 06:08 PM
    Green Broke
    The herd leader kept limping along when he remembered he had two pregnat mares with him. He picked up his pace and tried to stop the herd, but they would not listen, he tried and tried and tried but soon gave up... would the mares stop the herd on their own? He didn't expect it because the mares usally didn't speak for themself. As they kept traveling, the mares not expecting special treatment, he gave it to them. They seemed to think he was crazy, didn't they know the were pregnat? Well, he knew they were for a fact and he continued to pamper them. After a week or so all of a sudden the started to drag themself along as well. He knew they'd have to stop... and soon.

    Keep checking in to see what happens with this incredible journey.
        12-21-2010, 08:57 PM
    Super Moderator
    I think it's great so far. You asked for suggestions so here are just a few. Where are they? After 2 days on the raft, where did they end up? What do they look like?
    I think it is an interesting story.
        12-23-2010, 05:02 PM
    I like it, Keep going And also just a tip, you could have started it off with "In the small town of Georgstown Australia, there lived a herd of wild horses", just to make it a little more interesting.
    But keep going, im liking it so far
        12-24-2010, 02:57 PM
    Green Broke
    Suddenly, the mares collapsed! Every horse just saw the two mares collapse in the middle of India. They were all surprised except for the leader. Did the others know that they were pregnant? He doubted they did. They didn't pay much attention to what went on with other horses. One of the pregnant mares started to breathe deeply.
    6 of the horses started wandering off because they got to impatient. The herd leader rounded them up and when they got back there were two adorable foals struggling to get up. After about 15 minutes the leader stuck his nose up in the air and gave a loud, shrill nicker. In the distance the herd saw a large pack of wolfs a few miles away. When the wolfs caught sight of the two struggling foals and started pounding toward the herd the whole herd ran off except for the mares and their foals. The leader turned and gave a long, worrying nicker. The mares turned around, looking at them with a stubborn look but then turned back around. Would they give up their own life just to save their newborn foals? This kept the leader worryed

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