My First Story
 
 

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My First Story

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    12-17-2010, 03:08 AM
  #1
Weanling
Talking My First Story

Excitement filled the air and the large indoor arena held hundreds, if not thousands of people. Talking was replaced with applause as Ginger Williams trotted her chestnut, 16.2 hand Selle Francias gelding into the ring. "Next up is Ginger Williams and her mount Restless Thunder." The ring got silent and all Ginger could focus on was the large jumps in front of her. Even at almost Grand Prix level, Ginger still got nervous at shows. Ginger pushed Thunder into a steady collected canter as she did a lap around the ring and headed for the first jump. Her heart felt as if it was in rythm with the horse's powerful canter. She sat deep in her saddle and popped up into her jumping position as the gelding leaped into the air. It felt like eternity but she finally landed safely and no rails were hit, but this was only the first jump. Her eyes scanned the ring and fixated on the next jump, a large yellow oxer. Ginger held her breath and guided Thunder to the next, she felt his muscles tense and he soared over the oxer like it was nothing. Ginger felt the steeds breath increase, each stride seemed like an hour. Soon the pair had accomplished every jump perfectly and the last jumps were a complicated combination. Ginger closed her eyes and urged Thunder toward the first vertical. The first combination jump was a breeze and the horse didn't even blink. 'one, two, UP!' Ginger thought as she flew into the air. As she landed a loud thud filled the air and the gasps of the audience soon followed. The riders hopes fell onto the ground and Thunder trampled over top of them. "Clear round from Ginger Williams and Restless Thunder!" The announcer said over the speaker. She put her fist into the air and hugged her team mate. They trotted out of the ring and Ginger dismounted. They walked to the stable area. Ginger stood by until it was time for the jump off. About a half hour of impatiently waiting Ginger's name was called to go into the jump off. Thunder snorted as she mounted and walked into the ring again. She took a deep breath and looked around. The jumps were a lot more complicated, higher, and the strides were unpredictable. She did her routine of cantering a small lap before her first jump, a green and white vertical. Thunder pushed forward and sailed over the jump with ease, making it seem effortless. The team sharply turned to the left and leaped over a water jump placed in the center of the ring. Another high verical was placed in front of them and Thunder left out a stride to jump early. Ginger thought her heart had stopped beating, the ground was getting closer to her and Thunder was no longer under her. The crowd gasped in terror.








This is not finished. I could use some CONSTRUCTIVE criticism. I haven't wrote in a LONG time and this my very first horse story. To me it seems like I need more detail. I'll post more to it if I get positive feed back (:
     
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    12-17-2010, 03:26 AM
  #2
Trained
wow I like it keep going!!! Sorry im not the one to criticize
     
    12-17-2010, 03:31 AM
  #3
Weanling
Quote:
Originally Posted by PintoTess    
wow I like it keep going!!! Sorry im not the one to criticize

Thanks! I am just happy to get someone's opinion on it! I've been working on it for about two weeks. I am hardy ever satisfied with my work
     
    12-17-2010, 03:35 AM
  #4
Trained
Its very good are you continuing?
     
    12-17-2010, 03:37 AM
  #5
Weanling
Yes I will post bits and pieces of it on this same thread (: I am just trying to figure out how to start the next "chapter" of it
     
    12-17-2010, 11:12 AM
  #6
Super Moderator
When you pasted it in you lost the paragraphs which made it kind of run together but it is really, really good. I'm enjoying. Would like a little description on the horse and rider (what they look like - what color her show coat is, etc.) but really, I could see the crowd and picture the arena. I could even hear him snorting and feel the jumps. The descriptions you do have are excellent. Very nice story. Enjoyable.
     
    12-17-2010, 06:20 PM
  #7
Super Moderator
I also think your story is really, really good. I thought the description was great, I could see the whole thing playing out in my head. Talk about a cliffhanger, I want to know what happens!

I noticed the same thing Jenny did about the lack of paragraph breaks. Unfortunately, I think that could dissuade some people from reading your story since many people find large unbroken blocks of text difficult to follow. That would be a shame since it's so good so far. There also seemed to be a few grammar and punctuation issues. Of course, those are things for your editor to worry about, though.

If you're interested in what your story might look like with some paragraph breaks and a little brush up in other areas, take a look at the version below. I tried to leave your language alone as much as possible, but I couldn't help myself in a couple of instances. Feel free to disregard all of this, of course!

Again, great story.

Quote:
Excitement filled the air. The large indoor arena held hundreds, if not thousands, of people. Talking was replaced by applause as Ginger Williams trotted her chestnut, 16.2 hand Selle Francias gelding into the ring. "Next up is Ginger Williams and her mount Restless Thunder." The ring got silent and all Ginger could focus on was the large jumps in front of her. Even at almost Grand Prix level, Ginger still got nervous at shows. Ginger pushed Thunder into a steady collected canter as she did a lap around the ring and headed for the first jump.

Her heart felt as if it was in rhythm with the horse's powerful canter. She sat deep in her saddle and popped up into her jumping position as the gelding leaped into the air. It felt like eternity, but she finally landed safely. No rails were hit, but this was only the first jump. Her eyes scanned the ring and fixated on the next jump, a large yellow oxer. Ginger held her breath and guided Thunder to the next jump, feeling his muscles tense as he soared over the oxer like it was nothing. Ginger felt the steed's breath increase. Each stride seemed like an hour.

Soon the pair had accomplished every jump perfectly and the last jumps were a complicated combination. Ginger closed her eyes and urged Thunder toward the first vertical. The first combination jump was a breeze and the horse didn't even blink. 'One, two, UP!' Ginger thought as she flew into the air. A loud thud filled the air as she landed, followed closely by gasps from the audience.

The other riders' hopes fell to the ground, Thunder trampling over them. "Clear round from Ginger Williams and Restless Thunder!" The announcer declared over the loud speaker. Ginger put her fist into the air and hugged her team mate. They trotted out of the ring and Ginger dismounted. They walked to the stable area. Ginger stood by until it was time for the jump off. After about a half hour of waiting anxiously, Ginger's name was called. Thunder snorted as she mounted him and walked into the ring again.

She took a deep breath and looked around. The jumps were higher, a lot more complicated, and the strides were unpredictable. She did her routine of cantering a small lap before her first jump, a green and white vertical. Thunder pushed forward and sailed over the jump with ease, making it seem effortless. The team sharply turned to the left and leaped over a water jump placed in the center of the ring. Another high vertical was placed in front of them and Thunder left out a stride to jump early. Ginger thought her heart had stopped beating; the ground was getting closer to her and Thunder was no longer underneath her. The crowd gasped in terror!
     
    12-17-2010, 10:38 PM
  #8
Weanling
Quote:
Originally Posted by Administrator    
I also think your story is really, really good. I thought the description was great, I could see the whole thing playing out in my head. Talk about a cliffhanger, I want to know what happens!

I noticed the same thing Jenny did about the lack of paragraph breaks. Unfortunately, I think that could dissuade some people from reading your story since many people find large unbroken blocks of text difficult to follow. That would be a shame since it's so good so far. There also seemed to be a few grammar and punctuation issues. Of course, those are things for your editor to worry about, though.

If you're interested in what your story might look like with some paragraph breaks and a little brush up in other areas, take a look at the version below. I tried to leave your language alone as much as possible, but I couldn't help myself in a couple of instances. Feel free to disregard all of this, of course!

Again, great story.
Thanks for your thoughts! I usually have a spelling/grammar editor to help me out but I wrote this one in a different program and thought it also had a spell/grammar check..woops

I do intend to keep up with the story and post some more I'm glad everyone likes it so far!
     
    12-19-2010, 06:06 PM
  #9
Yearling
Great!!! Now it's time for you to post

MORE!!!
I WANT MORE!!!!!!!!!!!!! It would be cool if she had a n accident.
     
    12-20-2010, 12:53 AM
  #10
Weanling
Quote:
Originally Posted by Phantomstallion    
Great!!! Now it's time for you to post

MORE!!!
I WANT MORE!!!!!!!!!!!!! It would be cool if she had a n accident.
I'm workin on it
     

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