12-19-2009, 12:25 AM
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Well it has horses in it kinda.... I need some opinions. I've been working on this for the past 2 years. Here is the first section:
Sitting there in the women's bathroom, looking at the press on nails someone had pulled off, I realized that I hadn't forgotten what day of the month it was. The thought burned through me for a moment. Shaking my head I washed my hands and headed off to find my on-again-off-again boyfriend. The same guy who had declared months ago that he was not all that into women anymore. So being me, I let him bounce from me to his new boyfriend, Isaac. Biting my lip, I let the name rattle me for a moment. It was my fault that I stuck around, not having the confidence, time or will to leave.
I mean, Kyle and I had been dating since we were in middle school. In fact it was the middle of middle school. The first day of our second and last year. In front of our English class, which was exactly 212 steps from both of the side exits. Yes, after we went public, we counted the steps. Back then I thought it was sweet, now it comes across as naive.
I saw him in the middle of the baking needs aisle comparing prices. He was holding a bag of sugar and looking...how do I put this nicely?.... Gay. With his spiked blond hair, bright green eyes, thick lips and a body that makes most girls do a double take. I heard him mumble something as I slowly walked up to him. How incredibly sexy was this man who was only half mine half the time..... A chill went up my fingers. A memory flooded my mind. A memory from before my life was turned on it's side. The memory made me sigh, bringing his attention to me. Caught by his stare I suddenly remembered what had taken me so long. Silently I stuck my hand in my pocket and thumbed over the items it held.
“Sup?” I asked.
He made a noise. “Do we have any sugar at home?”
12-19-2009, 12:26 AM
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We....Oh yea...We as in WE live together. It was supposed to be temporary. Only until I could save up the money to move out. The money grew by the week and still I hadn't packed a thing. Yet, I let him bring home his ….boyfr...... guy friend. Listening many nights as they had fun in the living room while I was “trying to sleep”. That is what the second bedroom was for. For me to sit lonely and on the verge of tears while they watched movies and ate organic popcorn. Like I could sleep through that. When Isaac left I would find myself climbing out of my bed and into his, neatly tucking myself under his arm. That's how it was supposed to be, before he told me about his new found sexuality. In the morning he would wake up with me beside him and tell me that we shouldn't be sleeping together. Sleeping together........several nights we made love. Each time I tried to make it better than the last, trying to bring him back. To rewind time. My how stupid of me.
“I think we have some.” I eyed him, biting my lip. “I'm going to go make a call. My cell won't get service in here.”
He nodded at me and returned his gaze to the row of sweetners. I turned and walked away. I had to get out of that store. Had to get away from him and his probing eyes. When I walked outside I thought about lighting up a cigarette but the call was more important. Dialing my sisters number I leaned against the wall and put my head back on the cool bricks. Emotions started running through me. Hate, anger, disbelief, disappointment, excitement.....I hung up. Maybe she wouldn't understand. I let my hand fall as if the phone was to heavy and closed my eyes. Coward.
12-19-2009, 07:17 PM
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Three...two...one. My phone played Beethoven. **** star 69. I almost didn't flip it open, but I need help.
“Lo..Kay.” I mumbled.
“What's your problem?” She asked. I could hear her kids in the background screaming over something.
“I need to talk.” I said, running my hand over my jeans, trying to smooth them.
She paused. “Barn in an hour?”
“Sure.” I replied and hung up.
I saw Kyle come out carrying two bags as I was pulling out my pack of cigarettes. Automatically I stuffed them back in my pocket and grabbed one of the bags. Sighing, he kissed me on my checks as we walked to my car. My car was the only thing in my life that made me feel proud. I had worked very hard to restore it and it showed. Sometimes I think my car is the only reason Kyle sticks around. The thought made me snap the car door shut with a loud thud. He looked at me for a second before jumping over the door and into the passenger seat, where he normally doesn't sit.
The drive home was quiet. We didn't seem have much to say to each other lately. I pulled into our reserved spot and let him put the top up. The tension that passed between us during the drive made me jittery as I climbed the stairs to our apartment. All I could think about was getting all of this pint up emotion out. I nearly walked into our apartment without noticing the note. Probably because there was usually one there when we came back from doing something. A flash of anger shot up from the sight of it. I let it fade into my other emotions before Kyle could see. All the notes said was that Isaac had stopped by, he was sorry and wanted Kyle to call him.
12-19-2009, 07:18 PM
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Ohh..that's right. They had an argument. Isaac had told Kyle that he didn't like his “Will and Grace” lifestyle and wanted me to move out. Kyle had answered him by shutting the door in his face. The corners of my mouth pulled up. After the argument Kyle climbed into my little twin size bed with me. The whole night I pretended things were how they used to be.
I stole a glance at him as he started to put the groceries away. I tried to help him once but he got aggravated because I didn't know where he put things. After that I let him do it all, it made our lives easier. He was pouring sugar in it's container when I started toward my bedroom. Out of the corner of my eye I noticed what time it was. My heart sped as I remembered that I had to leave. Without even thinking about it I flung myself over the low divider bar in our kitchen, landing right in front of him. He gave me a startled as his eyes met mine. I almost gave up and spilled my guts to him right there. Instead I let a light smile cover my carefully kept emotions and gave him a gentle kiss. Before he could say anything I walked out the door. Kissing me wasn't appropriate anymore, to him anyway.
I almost didn't make the drive. For a minute I thought about going for a walk and finding a way to never come back. But Kayla would be waiting for me. She'd never let me down. So I couldn't let her down...I guess. So I started up the engine and headed out of the city and into the country.
12-19-2009, 07:19 PM
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The house I grew up in was the third house on the left from the little grocery store. The one with the white picket fence and big red barn. When I pulled in my mom was standing there. She didn't act surprised to see me. Smiling she handed me a bucket of grain and some hay. I tried to pretend there was nothing wrong as I followed her down the row of horses. Kayla must have called her and told her that I was upset. She didn't even ask as she pointed to a stall. I threw the hay over the door and dumped the grain into the feed bucket, missing the old days. The little pinto mare inside nickered and let me pet her before she went to eat.
Kayla pulled up after we had finished feeding all the horses. My mom has given up on patiently waiting for me to talk and went back into the house. I was sitting on one of the tack boxes when she walked up. Too numb to even think.
“Sorry I'm late I had to wait for Greg to get off work.” She looked at me. “I didn't want to bring the kids along.”
The emotions that had been building up bubbled. I couldn't help it. One look at the person that was there to help me and it all just came out. In the form of tears, but it came out none the less. I started sobbing like a baby. Quickly, she pulled me to her and started to brush her hand over my hair. My mind raced. I was in a spot that I felt there was no way out of. A boyfriend who no longer wanted me because I was the wrong sex. Heck, I didn't even know if he still loved me or not. Family and friends looking down on me because I was still clinging. Now........now I was lost in a shell of my former self.
“What's wrong Amora? Is it Kyle.” Kayla asked.
“No....It's...” I sobbed. “I can't......I'm...”
“Whatever it is can't be that bad.” She said as she pulled me off her shoulder to look at me. I snuffed as snot and tears ran down my face. Wiping them away I nodded and cried some more. It was the end of the world as I knew it. Nothing anyone could do could ever fix my life. She paused. I never cry this bad. I didn't cry this bad when Kyle told me that he wasn't who he had put himself out to be. Pausing to regain my breath I looked at my sister. Her eyes narrowed and I imagined a light bulb going off in her head.
12-19-2009, 08:03 PM
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“Oh my God...Amora...You're pregnant.” She let her jaw drop.
My face melted and I nodded. Kayla took her hands off my shoulders and stood back in shock. I could see her thinking over the situation. Her twenty year old sister pregnant by a gay man.
“What are you going to do?” She asked, as tears welled up in her eyes.
I didn't have an answer and she knew it. All I knew was that abortion and adoption were out of the question. I would have to raise my baby, even if I did it alone. Kayla sat down on the tack box and I sat beside her. For three hours we talked. I cried. She promised to be there for me. I never wanted to go back home.
12-20-2009, 11:17 PM
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Confusion is a major part of my life. It was inane that I couldn't decide whether or not I wanted generic sugar or name brand. Did it make that much of a difference? I picked up the generic brand and started reading the back. My mind wandered to where my roommate went. Well, if you could call her that. A lot of other things came to mind....lover...girlfriend...whatever she was. I could have sworn she said something about the bathroom. Which struck me as odd, Amora never used the public restrooms. I don't know why I was so surprised...she had been acting strange lately.
Which was probably my fault entirely. As usual. I really shouldn't have crawled into bed with her last night. In a way I knew that she would give me what I wanted. I mean she had her faults, don't get me wrong, but she was an excellent girlfriend. I saw her out of the corner of my eye and asked if we had any sugar at home. She mumbled something and then made an excuse to leave. Amora was a picky eater and usually stuck by my side when I did the shopping. I looked at my nearly empty cart and threw the sugar in, even though her mumble could have been no. There was too much stuff running through my mind to concentrate on shopping.
Walking out with the groceries I saw her pulling out her cigarettes. I hated that she smoked, even though she had just recently started. She gave me a sheepish “I've been caught” look as she stuffed them back into her pocket. Her brown hair was pulled back into a pony tail and she was wearing one of my old jackets. God, she had matured since we first met. I couldn't help but give her a kiss...even though it was leading her on. But was it? When I really didn't know what I wanted? I could never stop having feelings for her but being with her and being with Isaac were just so different, I thought as we loaded the groceries into the trunk of her car and headed home.
Living with Amora complicated things. I'd never ask her to leave because I couldn't imagine living without her. Maybe that makes me selfish....I don't know. All I know is that she's great company. Whenever I need someone to talk to or ride with I asked her first. Mainly because she never said no. Or it could be because she knew when I wanted to talk, when I wanted to listen and when I needed some peace. That is why it was so hard to live with her, but even harder to live without her.
12-20-2009, 11:18 PM
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We drove in silence the whole way. When we got to the apartment she got out and reached for the bags. When she leaned over I noticed that her boobs seemed larger...maybe it was my imagination, I thought as I followed her up the stairs. I didn't expect there to be a note on the door because Isaac was holding onto the argument the night before. He wasn't a creature of habit, even though the note said what his other notes usually did. Folding it I put it in my pocket and walked into the kitchen. The sugar bowl was empty, like I had thought. I started to fill it in while I thought about calling Isaac. The only problem was talking to him in front of her. It always made me uncomfortable. Just as I was finishing Amora jumped over the bar. She nearly landed right on top of me. I took a quick step back to give her some room. Her face lit up and she pressed her lips to mine. I used to love that so much. The spark wasn't gone, just the desire behind it.
Before I could tell her not to do that again she left. Just like that, gone. Shrugging, I picked up my cell and dialed Isaac's number.
“Hello.” I heard him say.
“I'm still mad at you.” I replied.
“Can we talk when I come over?” He asked.
I paused, just because. “Where are you at?”
“Grab something from Subway. I'm starving.” I demanded.
“Sure. Be there in an hour.” He said and hung up.
I walked into Amora's room and pulled one of her mirrors off the wall. Peeling the lining up I pulled out her diary. We used to communicate through it. I would read it and we would talk about what she had written. Then one day she moved it from between her bed frame and mattress, informing me that she didn't like me reading it anymore. I found it a few days later, but took to reading it only when there was something going on. We barely talked about certain things anymore and it was the only way I could figure out what she was thinking. I opened it to the last page she had written in. Feeling empty when I realized there wasn't anything new.
About an hour later, after watching reruns on FOX, Isaac showed up. He made himself comfortable while I started eating. I should say he made himself comfortable and made me uncomfortable. His blue eyes watching me intently as I took each bite.
Finally he spoke. “So...have you talked to her about moving out?”
“Isaac, I told you I don't want her to move out.” I grumbled, here we go again.
“How am I supposed to feel, Kyle? You are living with your ex-girlfriend.” He grimaced.
“There isn't anything going on between us anymore.” I lied.
“Your not convincing me. Why would you still want her to live here if there is nothing going on?”
“I already told you,” I retorted. “She pays half the bills.”
“I'll move in and pay half the bills.” He cut in.
My heart sped. “Her name is on the lease.”
“Ask her to take it off.” He replied, like I was a child.
Anger surfaced. “We haven't been together long enough to live with each other.”
Isaac rolled his eyes. “Excuses, excuses.”
“Don't start with me.” I mumbled, as I pushed him lightly on his shoulder.
He scowled at me, but didn't bring it up again.
12-22-2009, 10:55 PM
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Standing outside my apartment door I could hear them laughing. I loudly put my keys in the door and unlocked it. Kyle was sitting on the couch with Isaac. They were so close and I could tell they had been kissing. Both of their eyes met my face and they both instinctively knew that I had been crying. I could tell it in their eyes. My puffy tear stained face, that had not a hint of make up, gave me away. I smiled, said Hi and walked straight into my room.
Switching on the radio I threw myself on my bed. Glaring at the ceiling I pulled the test out of my pocket. Two bright pink lines stuck out at me like neon lights. Someone knocked on the door. I pretended I didn't hear it. Then it creaked open and I pushed the test into my pocket. Kyle came in and closed the door behind him. He turned down the volume on the radio and sat in the chair beside my bed.
“Can I come in?” He whispered.
“Funny.” I replied dryly.
“Why were you crying?” He asked.
I choked. I couldn't help the tight feeling in my throat. “Something happened today and I don't know what to do about it. But it's my problem for now. Why don't you go enjoy yourself?”
“What happened?” He asked patiently.
“Trust me you don't want to know.” I said. I bit my lip, trying to hold back the tears that threatened to resurface.
“What if I do?”
“Then...you'd be stupid. It'd ruin your day.” I croaked.
“Okay.......I'll be back in a little bit. When Isaac leaves you better be ready to talk.” He said as he walked out the door.
I was thinking of a million ways I could tell him. I could write him a letter, text him, e-mail him. So many ways....when I drifted off to sleep. Somewhere in my dream there was a phone ringing but I couldn't find it. I searched for it under the tons of blankets that I was walking on. I still couldn't find it. Then someone was calling my name.....
“Amora.....Hey, it's for you.” Snapped back to reality I starred up at Kyle, who was wearing only jeans. The smell of cologne hit my nose and I sat up.
“Hello.” I said into the phone. Kyle watched me intensely.
“Hey, are you awake?” The guy on the other line replied.
****...****...****...I forgot, I sat up. Kyle gave me a curious look. “I forgot Eric...I'm sorry. Can I have a rain check?” I asked slyly, keeping my eyes on Kyle.
“Sure.... girl. Tomorrow? At the same time?” He replied coolly. “Be there or you'll break my heart.”
12-22-2009, 10:56 PM
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“I'll be there. See you tomorrow.” I said as I hung up the phone.
The headache hit me when I put the phone down. I had fallen asleep in my jacket with my head partly off the bed.
“You forgot your date with Eric?” Kyle asked with a smile.
“It's not a date. He's just a friend.” I replied as I tried to rub the throbbing away. Pills were mandatory...asap.
“Oh...maybe I'll call him and see if that is what he thinks.” Kyle said as he grabbed the phone.
I jumped up automatically to grab it and instead got his arm. Pulling him down, we tumbled onto the bed. He grabbed my shoulder and pushed me away so that he could get the phone further from me. But I was too quick. I flipped over him, grabbed his hand and pulled at the phone. He laughed and tried to pull me around by my jacket. Which, of course, spilled all the contents onto the floor.
As the white stick tumbled to the floor I jumped off the bed. In a second I found it lying on my blue rug. Looking at Kyle I gently placed my foot over it. Boy was I surprised when I noticed that his attention didn't follow the white object. Instead he held up three little packages. His eyes narrowed and he looked at me. Crap....my condoms! I could see his line of thinking. We didn't use condoms because he didn't like how they felt. He knew they were for Eric. The same as I knew who his were for. I blushed a few shades of red. I don't know why, I hadn't actually slept with Eric...not yet, anyway. I just thought that if I did, it would help me...get over Kyle.
I saw it in his eyes as he dropped the condoms. The thought that I was possibly sleeping with someone else hurt him. He let his gaze drop to the floor where my foot now covered the test. Tears threatened to spill over as I stared at the bed.
“Amora....” He began.
I looked at him with great sorrow and regret. Just as he was about to say something Isaac called out from the living room. Kyle looked relieved as he walked out of the room, shutting the door behind him. I lifted my foot and picked up the test. Giving it a good once over, the edge of it was cracked now and the piece that covered the pee stick was broke. I stuffed it into my drawer and took off my jacket. The clock said it was almost midnight. At first I thought it was wrong. Isaac never stayed past ten. So I turned on my laptop to confirm the time, laying the condoms on my desk. What a day, I thought as I laid back in bed.
I had to get up in four hours to get ready for work, but I couldn't sleep. So I starred at the ceiling and let my mind numb itself. A few minutes later I heard Kyle talking. Then I heard someone shut the living room door as Kyle knocked on mine. I couldn't pretend to be asleep so I called him in. He sat down on the chair again. We talked for awhile. We argued. I walked over to my dresser and told him how I felt. Opening the drawer a little and I put my fingers around the stick. Should I?, I thought to myself. I couldn't....I didn't have the guts. Slowly I closed the drawer and turned around. Kyle was standing directly behind me and he took me into his arms. I let out a sob and relaxed against his shoulder. How am I ever going to get through this life if I'm not strong enough to get things done?
Kyle kissed the top of my ear and ran his fingers down my back. I knew what he wanted and I was to weak to object. I laid in bed with him. Letting him get whatever he asked for. I fell asleep in his arms, crying.