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Not Easily Broken

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        12-04-2013, 09:40 PM
      #11
    Foal
    Okay!!! Thanks again guys!!! Yayy!!!

    It wasn't long before Andria could here the lazy yet authoritative click of Amberly's cowgirl boots coming down the isle, two more sets trailing behind her. Andria, still working, picked up part of Amberly's conversation. "...Today was a good day to come out. Most of my students and boarders are at a popular show a few hours north, and I don't have anything lined up. Thank you for coming out," Amberly said, her voice getting louder as she neared. The new girl's mother replied. "Thank you for having us. Savannah's excited to bring her horse here." Andria cocked an eyebrow to herself. A new boarder, huh? Scooping up the last pile of manure, Andria dumped it into the wheel barrow. She set the manure rake - affectionately known as the pooper scooper by many - on the ouside of the stall and pushed the filled barrow out into the isle. Steering it out of the barn, a tired Andria made her way to the compost pile behind the barn and dumped the wheelbarrow out. Wheeling it around, she pushed the now empty barrow down the side of the long red barn, coming around to the front and parking it by the last empty hitching post. Amberly was still busy with the new folks, but they were already situated in their car, with Amberly chatting gracefully with the mom through a rolled down window. Wiping her grimy hands on her jeans for what felt like the millionth time, Andria strolled across the level gravel ground of the yard and walked into the barn, in search of some extra carrots.
    While she was rustling through her various bags in the tack room, Amberly stepped up and grabbed a lounge whip. "That was interesting," Amberly stated thoughtfully, untangling a knot in the whip. Andria tilted her head, finally grasping a sticky candy cane. "Yeah? What was the girl like?" She replied, closing the box she found the candy cane in. Amberly turned around, glancing at Andria with pursed, pale pink lips. "Quiet. Very quiet. But I like her." Amberly paused, before gesturing for Andria to follow her and walking out the door. After Andria performed a double-take - Amberly *never* gave out compliments as easy as that - she ran to catch up with her instructor. "She's coming here with her mare in two weeks. Help me with the new guys?" Amberly asked, smiling at Andria. Andria nodded eagerly. "Yep!!! I mean Yes!!! Yes please!!!" Andria shrilled, a happy grin curled up on her lips. Today was a good day. It always was whenever Andria went to the barn, but today was just unusually good. She practically had the barn to herself, but meeting The Gelding really made Andria's day. Amberly gestured to the chestnut. "Can you put him in the round pen while I get hotshot jones over here unloaded??"

    Again, critique critique critique!!!! I really want to improve as much as possible, so I want what you all think. Still jumping around to much? Bad grammar?? Going to slow???
         
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        12-04-2013, 11:54 PM
      #12
    Foal
    Your doing amazing! Please post more very soon!
         
        12-09-2013, 03:46 PM
      #13
    Green Broke
    Try to fill in the conversation Amberly has with hew characters. It will help add to the story line later when they become more common. If you would have given more of the conversation between them before coming back to Andria then it wouldn't have that bounce feel to it. What was the girl's name or even the mother's name? What kind of horse is the mare they are bringing? These are things that could have carried on to solidify the characters.

    I like the story line and think it will get better the more you work it.
    faiza425 likes this.
         
        12-09-2013, 07:13 PM
      #14
    Green Broke
    I would say it is going a bit slow, and I would check your spelling (the one that stuck out to me was "here" instead of "hear").
    Also, there is not need to describe EVERYTHING, like the dumping/wheelbarrow scene really didn't seem necessary. This will help the flow of the piece.

    Overall, not bad.
    faiza425 likes this.
         
        12-24-2013, 09:11 PM
      #15
    Foal
    I do tend to explain every little detail while writing...I'll keep that in mind :)

    Andria sighed slowly at the chestnut, shaking her head helplessly at his restless weaving. "Hey. Dude. Hellooooo?" Andria muttered in a soft, quiet voice, leaning up against his hitching post and uncurling her fist to reveal a sticky candy cane. The chestnut paused for a brief moment, and after giving the hard candy a firm stare down, lipped it up with his whiskery, moose-like lips. "Your kinda funny, aren't you boy?" Andria decided, sweeping a section of his copper colored forelock out of his eyes and down the middle of his broad forehead. The horse, in response, gave her a skeptical glance and blew out a long, slow breath through his large nostrils. Andria smiled and quickly untied his lead rope. She lead the Chestnut to the round pen without having much trouble - although that pink halter that was tied on one of the round pen rails looked pretty suspicious. Leading him into the circular enclosure, Andria turned him around and carefully slid his faded nylon halter off. She assumed Amberly would be doing some work with him and merely bucked the throatlatch around the gate post as she let herself out. Her attention was diverted to Amberly when she heard a racket coming from the trailer. Leaning back against the round pen fence, Andria watched as Amberly lead the last horse out. He was a looker, that was for sure. A hell raiser too. His dusty hooves never seemed to stay on the ramp for more than a second at a time and he clearly did not know the meaning of personal space. Amberly handled him firmly yet gently, having him back up once he was off of the ramp. His velvet black coat rippled when he moved, the kind of horse Andria would call a beefcake. Amberly put up with his who's-the-leader tests quietly until he spooked at some unknown object and practically stepped into her. "That's *Enough*." Amberly snapped, stepping right back into the horse's space and making him move. The black rolled his eyes in mock terror and shuddered, submissively ducking his head. "Thank you," Amberly sighed after a moment, before leading him to the side of the trailer and deftly tying him up to the side hitch on it. She flexed her shoulders back, rolling her neck briefly before walking over to the round pen. "Okay. I'm going to lunge Flame, you evaluate. Sounds good?" Amberly proposed, letting herself into the round pen with the buggy whip in hand.
         
        03-25-2014, 01:17 PM
      #16
    Foal
    Keep writing!! Great story
         

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