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Old story

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        11-17-2013, 12:00 AM
      #41
    Weanling
    It's a great storie I think I've read almost ten times!
         
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        11-17-2013, 10:34 PM
      #42
    Foal
    Thanks tex and Clydesdales... Sorry I haven't been regularly uploading. I will post more tomorrow- right now I've been editing some of the things that nerylibra pointed out, such as explaining some terms (tex brought this to my attention too)
    Thanks, --liveluvride
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        11-20-2013, 03:54 PM
      #43
    Foal
    I love your story so much!!!!!!!
         
        11-22-2013, 08:48 PM
      #44
    Weanling
    Haven't been back here since I first posted and just read through...very, very good! I like what NeryLibra had to say about revising certain parts so non-horsey or limitedly-horsey people can understand what you're saying, and you have done a bit of it through the story. I also agree that certain characters should be more 'rounded out' and that there could be a little more time not around horses. I see an interesting relationship developing between Maddie and Carlie, and I'd like to know more about the whole situation with her mother. I would put this story up with Canterwood Crest and the Saddle Club
    I like the overall storyline, and I'm quite interested in seeing how it turns out.

    The one thing I'd like to point out is that in your commentary you sometimes have before each chapter, I notice two things - 1) You are very hard on yourself and your writing ability and 2) You aren't 100% sure how the whole Olympic tryouts and event scoring is supposed to go.
    This is a great story and you are a gifted writer, so don't be so worried about how we'll take each chapter! Sure, you're writing for an audience, but you should enjoy writing each chapter.
    If you're not sure how a certain event works, look it up! You've been good about asking HF members for critiques, but you can write more realistically if you have those details in your mind before you begin. Personally, I'm not a dressage or XC rider, so if I'm writing about a three day event, I'll look it up, ask a barn buddy, or go watch one.

    Overall, I'm really enjoying this story and can't wait to find out what happens next!
    aussiemum likes this.
         
        11-26-2013, 03:44 PM
      #45
    Foal
    First of all, I am so sorry about how bad I've been with regularly uploading!! I have been super busy with schoolwork, but I'm on Thanksgiving break now so I can put up some of the story each night

    Faiza425, thanks so much for your advice! I have been doing some more research on eventing, so I'm sorting things out a bit in the story! Also, I went ahead and put in some non-horsey character development in the future, so that should start coming into play in the next few chapters.

    Thanks AKhorselover

    This time, I didn’t need Lauren to shove me forward. I gathered my reins and gave Pride a light squeeze, permission to enter the ring.
    We swept around the arena in a medium canter and I pointed him to the first, very high, vertical. I rocked him back onto his hindquarters and slowed his stride to create impulsion, a powerful way of striding forward that assists horses while jumping tall fences. Pride pushed off his back legs and cleared the fence, flicking his tail with joy as he landed.
    I had conveniently forgotten which fence was directly now coming up in my path. Pride had not. As soon as he saw the giant oxer fence consisting of immense height and width looming in front of his nose, he checked his stride and sped up, bounding over the obstacle with power and landing balanced and ready for the next fence. I quickly patted him to say thanks for covering up my mistake, then took control once again.
    I moved Pride up a little in preparation for the triple combination. He soared over the first fence, stretched forward to fit one stride in, took the second, and managed to put in one even stride for the third fence. After, we easily moved through the roll-back, taking the first low vertical and then making a half circle back to the second one. I kept my leg on to block any chances of a refusal at the liverpool, and my horse barely glanced at the floating rubber ducks as he flew over without making a splash.
    I looked ahead to the next fence: the dreaded wall. The bright red, scary, solid-looking wall. After all of our years competing, Pride and I still had some problems with this type of obstacle. My nerves would lead him to question the jump, and this had led to some refusals and falls in our show career.
    Pride began veering to the left, and I steadied him with my left leg and right rein. We approached the big fence at a slight angle, and I winced as I gave him all the leg I had.
    Pride flew over the jump and proudly gave a little buck as we landed as if to say, ‘See? We did it!’ I almost laughed, but then turned my complete attention to the next bending line. I sent Pride to the perfect spot for the first fence, then we veered off our straight line after the jump and leaped the fence diagonally across from it in a quiet six strides.
    The triple bar came easily, and over the last combination my horse and I finessed the difficult striding without a hitch.
    “Clear round for number 475, Madelyn McCarthy, riding Pride in Hunyuwatt.”
         
        11-29-2013, 05:31 AM
      #46
    Foal
    This story is amazing! You honestly have one of the best riding talents! Post more as Soon as possible!
         
        12-07-2013, 04:27 PM
      #47
    Weanling
    How many chapters does it have?
         
        12-15-2013, 10:48 PM
      #48
    Foal
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by liveluvride    
    Thanks Clydesdales :)
    Again, if anyone more knowledgeable than I notices any errors, or if anyone has a suggestion on a way to better the story, please let me know! It would be greatly appreciated!
    I stared at the list and started at first place.
    1.Angelina Rubin---number 561---Wild Cat--Score-36.20
    The first girl we’d watched had stolen first place.
    2.Kyle Hanshaw---number 993---Capital R--Score-37.51
    Apparently a rider I’d missed watching had done pretty well.
    3.Valerie Clairton---number 871---Prince’s Legacy--Score-38.00
    I turned around to congratulate Valerie. “Nice job!” I said. She looked at me and snarled. I looked back at the list.
    4.Amelia Porinox---number 346---Soft Seabreeze--Score-38.67
    5. Isabelle Moore---number 590---Peppermint Stick--Score-39.43
    I heard a deafening shout behind me and saw Isabelle screaming and jumping up and down in excitement. I was happy that she was feeling such enjoyment, but my panic was increasing that I hadn’t seen my name on the list yet. I had gotten a very good score!
    6. Carlie Johnson---number 774---Kandiebar--Score-40.00
    --TIE--
    6. Madelyn McCarthy--number 475--Pride in Hunyuwatt--Score-40.00
    Tied for 6th! I was bubbling with excitement, and so was Carlie. We did a victory dance for a couple of minutes until we were congratulated by Lauren and looked back at the list, scanning for Alex and Tina’s names. Finally, we found them after looking down the list.
    18. Alexandra Khanni---number 814---Phantom Shadow--Score-51.6

    21. Tina Gyniler---number 599---Dynasty--Score-53.04
    “Well done!!!!” Lauren screeched, hugging all of us at once. We all brought our horses back to their stalls and untacked and groomed them. I spent about a half hour extra with Pride and gave him hugs and mints. Finally, Lauren called us out of the barn-tent to talk to her.
    “I am so proud of all of you. I cannot believe that all of my students did this well. That is a lot for any instructor to ask for, and I am so grateful that you all worked as hard as you did. Tonight, I’m going to treat you all to a dinner out, parents invited. Let’s get some pasta tonight so we’re energetic tomorrow for cross country!”
    To humor her, we all cheered and shouted, “AMEN!”


    Chapter 9


    “Thanks so much for driving me, Dad,” I said as my father headed towards the hotel after dinner, “I couldn’t survive another car ride with Valerie, especially now ‘cause she’ll be flaunting around her 3rd place.”
    My dad laughed. “No problem.” He was staying at a hotel down the road, which was the only one left with any open rooms, and was sharing a room with Valerie‘s father. He said it was a terrible experience so far.
    Dad parked the car and I left the car as he drove off. I searched down the hallways for me and Carlie’s room and inserted the key into the door as I found it. I noticed that Carlie had already claimed the cherry-wood bed nearest to the window, so I plopped my tack box onto the bed next to me. I quickly unloaded and had just finished putting on my pajamas when she emerged from the bathroom. Her candy-cane heart pj’s were adorable, and I wished I’d brought something more decorative than my plain sky-blue top and leggings.
    “Your turn for the bathroom,” she said abruptly, turning the covers back on her bed and leaping in. I brushed my teeth and used the bathroom before getting comfortable on my own sleeping space.
    “Umm, nice job with your dressage round.” Carlie said awkwardly to fill the uncomfortable silence.
    “You too,” I replied, surprised, “Kandiebar looked great during the circles.”
    “Thanks.”
    “’Night.”
    “’Night.”



    I woke up to the slamming of the bathroom door. Apparently Carlie had wanted first shower. Today was cross-country! I opened a dresser drawer and laid my clothes on my bed. After I got dressed and took a shower, Carlie and I headed down to eat at the hotel’s continental breakfast room. We gulped down bowls of fruit and cereal and hurriedly jumped into the back of Lauren’s car with our tack boxes. Valerie and Tina also came along for the ride, while Alex, still at her aunt’s house, would be coming just a bit later in her parents’ car.
    “Okay, you guys, do you all have your stuff you need? We have a 9:00 am cross-country class and it’s 6:30 now, so there’s no coming back to the hotel to get anything you left behind.”
    I mentally checked my bag and discovered I hadn’t forgotten anything. No one else was missing anything, so Lauren set off driving for the show grounds while the 4 of us squeezed into the 2 tiny seats in the back of her van.
    “Go say hi to your horses but don’t tack up yet. We’re all going to go walk the cross-country course together, so leave your boots in your tack boxes and put on your sneakers. Meet me by the start of the course in 5 minutes.”
    All of us scattered quickly. I went straight to Pride.
    “Hey baby!” I said, approaching his stall. He neighed sleepily and I saw the grooms had already given him the amount of food I’d written on an index card.
    “You did such a great job yesterday, and I know our routine usually is to let you relax today, but we have to do cross country. I’m going to go walk the course and make sure there’s nothing scary on it that could make you get nervous. I’ll come get you in around an hour, OK?”
    Pride whinnied agreeably as I left the stall to go meet up with the rest of the group. I found them all huddled over a course map printed on light green paper.
    “So when you turn the corner to get into the woods, you’re all going to…..”
    “…..Look out for weird shadows that could spook our horses,” Everyone dutifully replied. Lauren turned and saw me, and motioned me over to join them.
    “We’re just about to leave,” she said, “here, take this map and look it over quickly. You have 5 minutes.” I nodded and studied the map intently. The fences themselves weren’t too bad, but I noticed that there was a small lake that the horses had to run through, while jumping in the water. Though Pride and I had encountered this type of sequence often, he had never been a fan of it. The course was also painfully long and the allowed time was painfully short.
    We set off on the course, walking on foot. The horses were forbidden to see the fences beforehand-- it was supposed to be a surprise for them, but not to the riders.
    All of us walked quickly beside Lauren. She blabbered on nervously about things to remember while riding, which I didn’t really need to hear because she’d explained the entire same list of focus points last night. I tuned her out and tried to memorize the course. It took me forever to remember even a piece of it, and I was glad for the red and white flags along the course sidelines that helped to guide riders in the correct direction.
    This is amazing. But I did notice on score part. The girl who got first has a horse named wild cat. But when she was entering the arena they said her horses name was wild card. I don't know if this was intentional or not but just thought I let you know! I love this! Keep posting!
         
        12-19-2013, 07:37 PM
      #49
    Foal
    Hello, I really like your story. I think you have a great story going, however I have a few 'concerns'.

    1.) when Maddie pulled her horse up in the middle of a lesson, that was confusing, and a tad unbelievable. Either she's got a great relationship with her trainer or, her instructor's a push over... If I ever pulled up in a lesson and just felt like I'd jumped enough, my instructor would not let me just leave. She would never stand for that attitude. Now then, if that's the relationship you want them to have, that's perfectly fine and maybe that's how it is in the Olympics. (Though I doubt George Morris would take that kind of attitude either...)

    2.) I highly dislike the part where Lauren tells her students to 'look for shadows that may spook their horses'. Most Olympic caliber horses wouldn't be all that spooky for starters, most Olympians would be paying attention the the next jump, watching the time, looking out for uneven/dangerous footing etc instead of worried about if their horses is going to misbehave. Perhaps they could say 'look to the next jump' or something like that?

    3.) I agree that their should be more character development. The characters need to have more 'personality' . They shouldn't all be perfect either, even Maddie should make mistakes, people tend to get annoyed with overly perfect main characters. You should create more drama.

    4.) I'm a little surprised that Lady was unconscious or unable to move with just those minor injuries. Lady is an extremely fit event horse and she lays perfectly still with just some cuts and tendon issues? The barn where I work at has a horse that broke his pelvis, in his paddock, he was still limping around when they found him. IMO those injuries aren't going to cause a horse to just lay quietly, most horses would thrash around, scream, try to run away/limp around etc.

    4.) These people ride a lot. So they go for a trail ride, go galloping over cross-country fences, and then do a group lesson that involves show jumping, dressage and cross-country! That sounds like a lot for even the fittest of horses and riders. My instructor does prelim at the moment, she did intermediate in the past. She hardly rides her horse longer then 30 min, same for the horses she is training. During show session she would take an hour weekly lesson, but that's it. No one at my barn is in the Olympics, but that still seems like a lot of riding time. Even if you want them to be energetic, I think you still need to tone it down a little.

    5.) I think the publishers found this too 'horsey' not because of the technical terms, but because this kid has no life. People don't want to read the truth, how horsey people practically live at the barn. They want to read lies, they want drama. You should talk more about school, Maddie's 'non horsey' friends, her home life things like that. As other have said you should include 'teenager-y' things, getting a licences, getting a job, meeting people, school dances (even though I hate romantic books some people find that interesting.

    I am not an expert on eventing. I am just beginning to discover the wondrous world of eventing. I work at a big eventing barn 4 days a week and hope to compete in this coming show season. I am no an expert on writing or eventing, this is just my honest opinion, so take it with a grain of salt.
    I wish you the best of luck, and look forward to seeing how this story develops.
         
        01-15-2014, 06:43 AM
      #50
    Foal
    More please, liveluvride??!!
         

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    book, critique, eventing, olympics, story

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