Should I Continue? - The Horse Forum

 1Likes
  • 1 Post By xJumperx
 
LinkBack Thread Tools
post #1 of 8 Old 08-01-2013, 05:39 PM Thread Starter
Banned
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 174
• Horses: 3
Question Should I Continue?

I know that my grammar is not great so please ignore it. I just want to know if I should continue this.

1


More the four thousand years ago a man named Job complained to God about all his problems. It is said that God answered him "Do you give the horse his strength or clothe his neck with a flowing mane? Do you make him leap like a locust, striking terror with his proud snorting? He paws the ground fiercely rejoicing in his strength and charges into the fray. He laughs at fear,afraid of nothing, he does not shy away from the sword. The quiver rattles against his along with the flashing spear and lance. In frenzied excitement he eats up the ground, he can not stand still when the trumpet sounds."


Nearly stretched out flat against the ground as he gallops the massive black horse gallops across the field as he and his rider lead a group of troops towards a unit of grey clad men. Astride his muscular back his rider, Laura, unsheathes her red handled sword. In the bright sunlight the sword gleams along its lethal double edged blade. As the powerful black horse nears the group Laura points the blade forward and for the first time notices fear upon the faces of her enemies. She can almost see the whites of their eyes as her black mount strikes down the first man with his hooves.



This is all I have so far. What do you think?
RememberPearl is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #2 of 8 Old 08-01-2013, 09:56 PM
Started
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: The Bluegrass State
Posts: 1,627
• Horses: 3
I'm loving the beginning. Please, continue.

~ When I Die, Remember Me By My Horses ~
* Because They Are Responsible *
.: For Letting Me Live :. (c) xJumperx
xJumperx is offline  
post #3 of 8 Old 08-02-2013, 07:12 AM
Green Broke
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Northwest Florida
Posts: 4,303
• Horses: 4
Pretty good start and I can see it being a good read. Remember there is no need to constantly remind the reader of the color of the horse. Mentioning attributes of the horse is fine as long as they aren't repetitive often. Same goes with all other things whether it be characters, swords, buildings etc. Too much of it will take focus off of the story.

Looking forward to reading more.

I am Second
Born Once, Die Twice. Born Twice, Die Once.
Roadyy is offline  
post #4 of 8 Old 08-02-2013, 08:07 PM Thread Starter
Banned
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 174
• Horses: 3
Here is another paragraph for chapter 1. This one introduces 2 new characters and the name of Laura's war horse. I hope it also shows Laura's relationship with the one character clear enough and if it doesn't just tell me.


The scent of spent gunpowder and blood hangs heavy in the air as Laura looks around at the carnage of the battle field. A women astride a horse very similar to Laura's comes to a stop next to Laura and says "Laura I have known you since the two of us were in diapers and this has got to take the cake for the most nutty things we have done. With each battle we fight in wonder if the 2007 will be the same if we ever find a way to get back. I'm scared.," Looking at the women Laura says "Jen I'm your best friend, do you honestly think that I would let anything bad happen to you. Beside me you have Fuego to keep you safe, he's a brave gelding and I'm no chicken either. If we do find a way to get back to 2007 it will be the same as the one we were forced to leave behind. We never asked to be taken back in time to the 1860s in the middle of the bloody American Civil War. I will keep you safe even if I have to die trying.," Smiling Jen says " Don't forget you have Tempest, he's probably the most formidable stallion I have ever met. Fuego and Tempest keep us safe sure, but we're still mortal Laura as are the horses. A bullet or cannonball can still kill us. I just want to go home.," Patting Tempest on his broad left shoulder Laura says "There is a legend about fallen knights returning as great horses. With each passing day I believe more and more that our horse were probably once knights. They have seen battle before if that's true and we'll find a way back to the future with their help either way." Then she nudges her great horse forward, back onto the body strewn field.



It needs some work but I will probably fix it as I am writing the next paragraph.
RememberPearl is offline  
post #5 of 8 Old 08-02-2013, 08:56 PM
Started
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: The Bluegrass State
Posts: 1,627
• Horses: 3
I love the plot. Really, really love it. Just try to make sure you aren't being too blunt with everything. Make us think!! We want to make our own opinions of who these people are, what they are like, the world around them, etc. If you are feeding us every little aspect as point blank as possible, it sucks out a bit of the creativity and fun of reading. Details are wanted, yes, but let the details explain the bottom line.

I hope you can catch what I'm saying, it may be a bit difficult to comprehend to those who don't write.
Roadyy likes this.

~ When I Die, Remember Me By My Horses ~
* Because They Are Responsible *
.: For Letting Me Live :. (c) xJumperx
xJumperx is offline  
post #6 of 8 Old 08-02-2013, 09:06 PM
Green Broke
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: south of nowhere, north of nothing
Posts: 4,641
• Horses: 6
Well I definitely give it a thumbs up since I have that bible verse tattooed on mi body ;).

*Insert something witty*
Roperchick is offline  
post #7 of 8 Old 08-02-2013, 09:21 PM Thread Starter
Banned
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 174
• Horses: 3
Here is what I have of the next paragraph.


Turning away from the now ruined field Laura points Tempest in what she believes is a northern direction. Behind her the group of soldiers, all astride their horses, looks like a solid black mass. Beneath her the stallion arches his neck, mouthing the snaffle bit, his muscles rippling with untapped power. Laura, holding the reins loosely in her left hand, looks ahead at the trail ahead. Her mind and body snaps to attention when she sees a blurr of grey in some brush. Then instinct takes over when her eyes the catch a glint of mental and she jerks back sharply on the reins. Tempest half rears, squealing as he scrambles backwards. To prove what she had said earlier Laura jabs her mounts right side with her heel, forcing him to slam into Jen's brawny horse. Then she feels the bullet as her vision is filled with a blinding light.



Does that leave you wondering?
RememberPearl is offline  
post #8 of 8 Old 08-04-2013, 12:15 AM
Started
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: The Bluegrass State
Posts: 1,627
• Horses: 3
Much better!! Keep it going!!

~ When I Die, Remember Me By My Horses ~
* Because They Are Responsible *
.: For Letting Me Live :. (c) xJumperx
xJumperx is offline  
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on the The Horse Forum forums, you must first register.

Already have a Horse Forum account?
Members are allowed only one account per person at the Horse Forum, so if you've made an account here in the past you'll need to continue using that account. Please do not create a new account or you may lose access to the Horse Forum. If you need help recovering your existing account, please Contact Us. We'll be glad to help!

New to the Horse Forum?
Please choose a username you will be satisfied with using for the duration of your membership at the Horse Forum. We do not change members' usernames upon request because that would make it difficult for everyone to keep track of who is who on the forum. For that reason, please do not incorporate your horse's name into your username so that you are not stuck with a username related to a horse you may no longer have some day, or use any other username you may no longer identify with or care for in the future.



User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.


Old Thread Warning
This thread is more than 90 days old. When a thread is this old, it is often better to start a new thread rather than post to it. However, If you feel you have something of value to add to this particular thread, you can do so by checking the box below before submitting your post.

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Should I continue with the lease? bnayc Horse Talk 5 01-07-2012 09:56 PM
Continue to discuss if you like. Whisper22 General Off Topic Discussion 122 12-12-2011 05:16 PM
Should I continue to board here? Creampuff Barn Maintenance 18 09-08-2011 04:30 PM
They just continue to amaze me, these two cakemom Horse Pictures 2 07-08-2010 04:40 PM
Why does this still continue MrsX Horse Protection 10 02-06-2010 11:46 PM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are On

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome