The Horse Forum banner

should i finish

2K views 10 replies 8 participants last post by  farmpony84 
#1 ·
As Sophie diamond tacked up for her lesson at pheasant hill equestrian centre she was on moonshine that week a handsome 15.1 hand thoughterbreed who loved jumping.
 
#2 ·
You'll need a little more to your story before we can make a judgement! One sentence isn't much to go off of ;) If I can say one thing, make sure you are watching your grammar and sentance structure, it's essential to any good writing!
 
#3 ·
Chapter one

As Sophie diamond tacked up for her lesson at pheasant hill equestrian centre she was on moonshine that week a handsome 15.1 hand thoughterbreed who loved jumping. As she mounted onto moonshines back her two best friends came round Becky Robert and Lilly scoter came over riding their own horses buzz a handsome 16hh palomino warm blood and dream a pretty bay sports horse. About 2 minutes later Dan and Aidan came out riding bubble gum and jasmine and following closely behind was Annabel who was riding lightning a fast strawberry roan. Annabel currently dated Aidan just that moment Catharine came out of her office and told everyone to go to the outdoor school. When we got down there we noticed there was jump set up
 
#8 ·
idicided to write more


Chapter one

Sophie diamond tacked up for her lesson at pheasant hill equestrian centre she was on moonshine that week a handsome 15.1 hand thoughterbreed who loved jumping. As she mounted onto moonshines back her two best friends came round Becky Robert and Lilly scoter came over riding their own horses buzz a handsome 16hh palomino warm blood and dream a pretty bay sports horse. About 2 minutes later Dan and Aidan came out riding bubble gum and jasmine and following closely behind was Annabel who was riding lightning a fast strawberry roan. Annabel currently dated Aidan just that moment Catharine came out of her office and told everyone to go to the outdoor school. When we got down there we noticed there was jumps set up. We warmed up doing a lot of bending work before transition work also.


They all cantered over little cross poles in a line before going over some bigger staightpoles on their own Sophie picked up a nice active canter before aiming moonshine at the jump one two three over Sophie stroked moonshine as she landed. Annabel was the last one to jump that jump she had a bad approach but she still cleared it.
 
#9 ·
You really need to work on punctuation - including capital letters for names etc, sentence structure, story line and whose perspective you are writing the story from.

If you keep writing and editing you will keep improving.
 
#10 ·
It looks sounds like you enjoy writing, babyponies. You have gotten some good feedback about proper punctuational andsentence structure. Is that making sense to you? I know sometimes my son will not understand how his sentence structure and punctuation is wrong. As you look at the first sentence, do you notice anything that needs to be changed? I am noticing some capitalization errors in that sentence, and the need for additional punctuation. What do you see?
 
#11 ·
I'd keep going. I agree with the sentence structure and the point of view. Your first sentence is hard to read because you start w/ as she was tacking up but... nothing happend as she was tacking up? Then you go to we noticed and we warmed up to they rode.

You aren't going to get better unless you keep going so ... keep it up. I think you have an interesting story brewing in your head and you should put it out there for us to enjoy!
 
This is an older thread, you may not receive a response, and could be reviving an old thread. Please consider creating a new thread.
Top