I'd keep going. I agree with the sentence structure and the point of view. Your first sentence is hard to read because you start w/ as she was tacking up but... nothing happend as she was tacking up? Then you go to we noticed and we warmed up to they rode.
You aren't going to get better unless you keep going so ... keep it up. I think you have an interesting story brewing in your head and you should put it out there for us to enjoy!
"Be a best friend, tell the truth, and overuse I love you
Go to work, do your best, don't outsmart your common sense
Never let your prayin knees get lazy
And love like crazy"