Kay, just going to warn you, its not about horses
Sometimes there’s nothing left to hang on to.
I squeezed the hand in mine, felt its warmth and wrapped myself in its illusion. I heard nothing. I knew that was wrong. There can’t simply be no sound. I knew there was. The rumble, starting deep and low, I could feel it shaking into me, shaking into my bones. I could feel the uneasiness in the air, the high pitched shrieks of a hundred souls calling me home. I wanted to go so badly. I wanted to go alone.
The hand tightened around mine as I lurched. I could feel myself screaming. Tears streamed down my cheeks, I could taste the salt of a million memories, a million stories, a million people and faces and sounds and feels, a million things that broke me, and the one face, story, memory, person, face, sound and feel that had done nothing but heal.
But sometimes, a single person cannot fix the damage of a thousand lives.
I looked up to the face of the boy sitting next to me. He whispered and I heard.
And all of the sudden it was. The cold become warm, the warm became warmer and the scars became healed. The souls still screamed and my bones still rumbled. I could still feel the cracks in me, the brokenness of who I was, and the person I wanted to be. I looked up at the eyes staring back, their soul shining bright in the ocean of green.
I loved those eyes, their soul. The soul that had only been mine for 42 minutes, and the one that had helped more than years of time.
I didn’t know him. I didn’t know who had been or who he wanted to be, the things he had done or the things he would do. But I saw a journey in those eyes, a soul that had been through h**l and had come out an angel. I didn’t know anything but his name, and I loved him.
I was his.
He was mine.
Hair brushed out of my face. Tears in mine. Heat that didn’t belong to me. Happiness to share, a burden to divide.
Love that I didn’t deserve.
So when I heard the sound, the forming of a breath made into words that meant something, I knew I had found my forever.
“Are you scared?”
“I’m here. I love you.”
I was told not be scared. I wouldn’t be. I leaned into the chest next to me, felt a heart beat through muscle and bone and skin and cloth, and I searched inside myself until I found the part of me that was unbroken.
I reached inside myself, and found his face.
I felt his hand.
I relaxed back and let the world come back to me. I heard the rush and the roar of two engines on a single track, I felt the end shift closer, and I was happy.
Because I had found what I was born to find.
I had found Love.
A crash, earsplitting, glass in my face, and a still heart beside mine.
Sometimes, there’s nothing left to hang on to.
But then again, sometimes there is.