A Story i'm writing to improve my writing skills.
 
 

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A Story i'm writing to improve my writing skills.

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  • To be honest my writing havent improve much

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    12-20-2013, 01:36 AM
  #1
Foal
A Story i'm writing to improve my writing skills.

So I'm writing this story to improve my writing skills, so PLEASE point out any mistakes! . Oh, by the way, I need a name for the story, so if you think of something, let me know! :)


#1:
"Morning Catherine!" My father greets me as I enter the kitchen. The walls is a light shade of yellow, and every cabinet has dark wood doors. "Morning daddy," I say and hug my father. He has black hair, but it's starting to get lighter. He has brown eyes and a handsome face. Also, he has a lot of money, since he is a super successful lawyer. "You hungry? Anna prepared some strawberry flapjacks," he says. Anna is the cook, she has yellowish hair, blue eyes, pale skin and she is a little fat. "No thanks, I think I'll head out to the barn, if I may?" I ask. My dad nods. "Sure, just be back by noon," my dad says. I tie my waist length auburn hair into a high ponytail and check my hair in the mirror. My eyes scan the length of my face. I have intense, light blue eyes and my face consists of soft, perfect features. I pull my pink and black riding shirt down and I make sure my light blue riding pants are in place. I walk to the front door. My gaiters lie waiting next to the dark wood door. I pull them on and go outside. A border collie and a friendly doberman rush to greet me. "Morning Chance," I say to the collie. "Morning Cash," I pat the doberman. I walk on a cobblestone path lined by rose bushes to the gate. The security guard opens it for me and I walk up the street. This is a rich neighborhood and it is filled with big, beautiful houses. I walk past about ten houses before I stop in front of a big black gate. Beyond the gate lies a small dark grey house, and next to it beautiful dark grey stables. If you look down the property to the left, you can see paddocks lined with white fences. Beyond that lies the three arenas, which you cannot see from the gate. "Morning Bill!" I greet the gate keeper who opens the gate for me. "Morning Cat!" He says with a smile. I head towards the stables.
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    12-20-2013, 01:45 PM
  #2
Foal
#2:
"Hi Kitty Cat!," Jake greets me. Jake is my best friend. He has sandy blonde hair, blue eyes, tanned skin, and he is that guy that all the girls love. He also has a reputation for being a player. "Morning Joseph," I tease. His full name is Joseph, but I nicknamed him jake when we were little. "So not make me use your full name!" He mock threatens. I giggle. "Too late, already used yours!" I say. "If you two are done, Jake you promised to help me with Envy!" Moans Abigail. She has white bleached hair, hazel eyes and light skin. She is pretty, but selfish and mean. And of course, she has a crush on Jake. "Oh yeah," Jake says, rubbing the back of his neck. "But I actually need to help Cat saddle Manjefiek," he says uneasily. "What?" Abigail says and makes puppy dog eyes. Jake ignores them, but I can't resist. "Oh, come on. I'll come with you," I say to Jake. He gives me a cool look and I shrug. "Fine," he sighs. We follow Abigail to her horse, Envy's stall. The two go inside his stall while I lean against the dutch door. Pure Envy is a full warmblood, but she is a bit too bulky for me. She sure carries a lot of muscle on her. She is a gentle dapple grey, and a big sweetheart. She is very good in showjumping, although she is alright in the cross-country arena.
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    12-21-2013, 03:31 PM
  #3
Foal
Alright, here's my honest review. Take it for what it is- my personal opinion.

First of all you spend way too much time describing people. It's easy to try to just describe your characters, but nobody wants to read a book that just describes people.
Quote:
Originally Posted by wavehorse    
moans abigail. She has white bleached hair, hazel eyes and light skin. She is pretty, but selfish and mean. And of course, she has a crush on jake.
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This is what I mean ^^^
Instead of that rephrase it to something like: Abigail strolled up, her hazel eyes resting on Jake. "Jake, you promised to help me with Ebony," Abigail reminded him. As you continue on with the story, people will know she is mean or selfish by her actions. You don't have to include everything. This will help your story become more fluid.

Second, you are unclear at time as to who is talking or doing what. I for one find it very hard to enjoy books that are confusing.

You haven't written much, so it's hard to critique the character's personality or the plot. Good luck with your story though.
     
    12-23-2013, 01:00 AM
  #4
Foal
[MENTION=35097]MyJumper[/MENTION] - Thanks so much, you really opened my eyes! Seriously! I haven't had much time lately , but I'll get more up soon.
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    12-23-2013, 01:23 AM
  #5
Foal
She sidesteps to the door when Abigail tries to put a bridle on her. Envy eyes the vicious double bit. "Seriously Abby, a double bit? For jumping?" Jake says skeptically. "Uh, yeah my groom was supposed to switch it," Abigail says and blushes. "Richard!" She yells and storms out. "Yikes, talk about a little white lie," Jake comments. I just nod my head. I scratch Envy underneath his forelock, his favorite spot. "I'm going to start grooming," I say. I turn and head toward the tack room at the end of the building. As I enter, I turn left and I lift my tack bag from underneath my jumping saddle. I exit and walk across the aisle to my Arabian's stall. "Hi pretty boy," I say to the black stallion as I enter. I sigh. He's lost a lot of weight, again. "How come you always lose weight, huh? You too active? Should I lock you up in your stall?" I murmur. The horse throws up his head. "Oh, I'm just kidding. I'll never do that," I say. "Dream's looking like, well a dream," Jake says. I turn around to face him. "Yep, except for his weight, and when he is underweight, he looks like a skinny donkey," I joke. Jake grins. "Ok, you saddle Warrior's Dream," he says with mock superiority. "And I'll go saddle ol' Nippy," he says and heads away. Jake has a bay rescue horse that he calls Nippy. The BO thinks that he has a lot of thoroughbred in him, and he sure has a nice build. I finish grooming Dream and I fetch his saddle. "Ok, now hold still," I say to Dream. He moves around a bit, but after a few minutes he gives up and stands still. I saddle him and I lead him out of the barn. Jake is waiting just outside. I mount and together we ride down to the cross country course, chatting the whole way.
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    12-24-2013, 01:10 PM
  #6
Weanling
I agree with MyJumper, there is way too much character description. If the character has an important feature (for example, Harry Potter's scar) that will come in to play later in the story, or if an outward feature helps describe a character's personality (mean girl has icy blue eyes), then you can put it in. Or if you really want to, you can work it into the story like MyJumper's example.

Also, Cat seems too perfect. Very rich, pretty, can walk to the stables. I mean, I certainly don't wake up in the morning, look in the mirror, and say this:

Quote:
Originally Posted by WaveHorse    
I tie my waist length auburn hair into a high ponytail and check my hair in the mirror. My eyes scan the length of my face. I have intense, light blue eyes and my face consists of soft, perfect features
And I know you haven't written much, but there isn't really a problem in the story so far. It may be due to you trying to squeeze so much detail in

Keep improving! Hopefully some of this helped.
     
    12-24-2013, 02:16 PM
  #7
Super Moderator
Actually... I think it's great that you put so much description into it, I think my problem is the flow. I think I'm having a problem with you speaking in current text. "Good morning daddy!" I say... I think I'd rather have read I said.

It's not bad, keep going but... work on your flow... You jump from describing the kitchen to describing your dad and there is no emotion in it... Do you like the color of the walls? Do you hate the dark wood of the cabinets? Etc...
     
    12-24-2013, 04:05 PM
  #8
Showing
Quote:
Originally Posted by WaveHorse    
So I'm writing this story to improve my writing skills, so PLEASE point out any mistakes! . Oh, by the way, I need a name for the story, so if you think of something, let me know! :)


#1:
"Morning Catherine!" My father greets me as I enter the kitchen. The walls is a light shade of yellow,
It should be "are"
Golden Horse likes this.
     
    12-25-2013, 12:06 PM
  #9
Foal
Thanks a lot everybody! Really! Sorry that I couldn't post lately :( . But I'm here now!

"Abigail!" Our instructor, Melissa, says. "You go first. Make sure you check Envy. He tends to lean on the bit. And-," she cuts herself off. She turns to a pug behind her. "You stupid dog! Stop pulling on the leash!" She warns. The dog sits and stares up at her. "I'll smack you!" She threatens. I smile. Melissa was all bark and no bit. Except if you gave her trouble, the she is all bite and no bark. "Then Jake, you can go, and Cat, you bring up the rear. See that Warrior doesn't rush," she says. We all nod. "Ok, Abigail you go to the starting line," she says. She turns around and ties the dog to the fence. Abigail readies herself at the line. I look at her. She truly is gorgeous. Her perfect crash helmet that rests on her high ponytail, which falls down to her waist. I sigh and drop my eyes. Everybody of this generation was perfect. Years ago, there was a parasite that the government had developed. You were required to get it injected into you before you had children. It was developed to perfect the human race. Now everybody was rich, some richer than others, but all rich. And everybody had a perfect body, face and mind. School was no longer needed, for the parasite developed itself and everybody became smart. But like Abigail, some blood lines' parasite were more developed, therefore they are more perfect. I turn my attention to Melissa, who is now tying her pale blonde hair into a ponytail. "Ok. Ready?" Melissa asks. Abigail nods. "Go!" Melissa says. Envy leaps across the line and Abigail gets caught off guard. She regains her seat, collects her reigns and heads to the first jump.
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    12-25-2013, 12:12 PM
  #10
Super Moderator
The idea of your story is really neat but I'm still having issues with the flow. I really like your story though.
     

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